To get to know yourself better, you need to get to know the child that each of us once was. This is an important stage on the path of growing up, reminds the psychoanalyst.
Psychologies: Why are our childhood memories so vivid?
Tatyana Alavidze: Indeed, those of us who return to them may notice that these images are emotionally very rich and connected to the whole complex of sensory sensations. Although not everyone has childhood memories: many do not remember themselves until the age of 7 or 8, and glimpses begin to appear only in the course of long analysis or therapy. Usually, a memory arises as a flash, at once as a whole picture, which is triggered by olfactory, tactile, visual impressions … Perhaps childhood memories seem to us more vivid and uncomplicated than the events of later life, because from childhood we mostly have unipolar feelings – very positive or very negative.
What trace do strong and painful childhood experiences leave in our memory?
T.A.: Our psyche defends itself against everything that is too hard to endure: it rejects, erases, forgets. Too strong experiences that we were not able to psychologically “digest” in childhood, very often remain hidden or unformed. Some of our memories can be compared to a screen: we seem to cover with them a difficult experience that needs to be hidden far in the depths of the unconscious. This is called “covering memory”.
For example, a person may remember how a teacher offended him, but the recollection of this insult only hides a deeper resentment towards his mother, who underestimated him and constantly criticized him – the psyche chooses the reason for resentment that is easier for the child to endure. Adults who are disturbed by fears, anxieties or aggression very often appear in the psychoanalyst’s office. When our difficult memories and “bad” feelings are inaccessible, an unsatisfied child continues to live in the depths of the soul, which sometimes “emerges” to the surface, demonstrating far from the most approved qualities: greed, anger, malice. This child cannot be calmed until we find the source of his and, accordingly, our torment.
THE ADULT WILL BE FREE IF THE CHILD TAKES HIS PLACE IN IT.
Do we always communicate with a therapist on behalf of our inner child?
T.A.: It depends on the type of therapy, as well as on what place this child occupies in the soul of the patient. The inner child can be so forgotten and abandoned … To get through to him, you have to do a lot of work. Yes, the child takes the floor in most cases, but the adult who comes to the consultation is not always aware of this, because the child in him can manifest himself very gradually – through the demeanor, voice.
Almost everything that prevents us from developing, loving or building our lives is connected with our childhood. Therefore, in order for the adult to become free, it is necessary to help the child within us to take its place. Having revived him in your soul, you need to establish contact with him, enter into a dialogue in order to find out about his unmet needs.
This is not always easy: often we are afraid to remember this child, because this is not the sweet smiling baby from the advertising picture. The unaccepted inner child can be unhappy, embittered, greedy, cruel, rude, but our task is not to be frightened, not to criticize, not to destroy him, but above all to understand. Having entered into a dialogue with him, we get the opportunity to think about which of his needs can be satisfied, which should be rejected and where are the boundaries and prohibitions that he (and ourselves) need to accept. This work takes time, but it certainly bears fruit.
Why are some of us so afraid of growing up?
T.A.: Our childhood holds us very tightly: some of us have kept wonderful memories of it, which seem brighter than the surrounding reality, while others, on the contrary, cannot free themselves from a long-standing traumatic experience. Attachment to childhood, unwillingness to leave this age often come from the dissatisfaction of the earliest childhood need for love and care.
Infantile behavior, a protest against growing up, is a hopeless attempt to satisfy those needs. Modern society supports such behavior, taking us into a culture of leisure and play, helping us escape into an illusory reality where we can believe that all our childhood wishes will be fulfilled: suddenly a magician will fly in a blue helicopter; I marry my mother; I will have everything I want; we will never die…
What does it mean to be truly mature?
T.A.: Being an adult means being able to give up childhood desires to have everything, to be omnipotent and loved by everyone. Cloudless childhood appears only in dreams, because dependence and helplessness are hidden behind the omnipotence of a baby. An infantile person throughout his life cannot get out of this helplessness. And growing up, we realize that our life is finite, that old age exists, that there are situations in front of which we are powerless. Then we come out of the state of the demanding and unsatisfied child to mourn all that we will never get, to see the limits of our own life and possibilities, and to understand that what we have is “good enough”, as the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said.
What do we learn from our own childhood when we ourselves become parents?
T.A.: A whole range of desires and anxieties that often remain unconscious, but manifest themselves, for example, in how we interpret our child’s crying, or in how we take care of him. The inner child often reveals itself when we become parents, and does not always turn out to be its best side.
TO REALLY GROW UP IS TO UNDERSTAND: WHAT I HAVE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
For example, parents may feel jealous of their own son or daughter. There are young dads who feel neglected and start to compete with the baby, or moms who feel like the baby is taking everything from them. You can feel both insecurity in your ability to be a good parent, and fear for the child – all our deepest anxieties are raised. Of course, it is easier for a mother and father to respond to their child’s behavior if they have had a successful experience in infancy and childhood. But not everyone had it like that, and the birth of a child is a very suitable period in order to supplement, grow up all your unfinished needs – and move on with your son or daughter.
This can happen spontaneously, unconsciously, if the family has a good atmosphere, if its members are close to each other and responsive. And if it doesn’t work out spontaneously, in any case, parents can analyze their childhood experiences and what is happening now in their relationship with their children. If parents allow themselves to be generous and kind towards them, then this adult generosity outweighs the jealousy, envy or greed left over from their own childhood. Such parents feel confident that they are strong and good, and this strengthens their sense of self-worth.
Does our inner child help us learn to give our children what we ourselves did not receive in childhood?
T.A.: It helps, but there is a risk: wanting to give their child everything they have not received, parents sometimes begin to make gifts … to themselves. For example, they give a bicycle, a puppy, a guitar and get upset when they see that their son or daughter is indifferent to the gift, because they dreamed of something completely different. Thus, we project our unsatisfied desires onto the child, seeing in him only small ourselves and not wanting to catch his true needs, to establish contact with him.
It would be more correct, remembering your childhood dream, to ask your son or daughter or just think about what they want and try to fulfill this desire.