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In a family where there are foster parents, ex-husbands, wives, half-brothers and sisters, everyone has to look for and defend their place. The main thing is to negotiate, resolve conflicts and not accumulate resentment.
Parents are not chosen, and even more so stepfather or half-sister. The life of the new clans looks fun only in sitcoms, in reality everything is far from being so cloudless. Jealousy, the search for one’s role in a new family configuration, gaining authority and conflicts – this has to be dealt with daily. We discussed with our experts, psychotherapists Ekaterina Ignatova and Albina Loktionova, the psychological difficulties faced by the “rebuilt” family, and chose five guidelines to help everyone find their place in it.
1. Parent has a new partner
The child needs time to establish a relationship with an adult, especially when it comes to the mother’s new partner (or the father’s new girlfriend). Before a new family member settles in the house, the child will have to talk a lot and in detail. What does he think of it? How does he envision a new life? What worries him? The child, of course, does not make decisions regarding the life of the couple, but any changes in the family affect him. And his feelings (fears, distrust, rejection) must be heard. For the first meeting, choose a suitable environment (joint lunch, walk), in which everyone will feel comfortable and natural. First of all, this is important for a new family member, since it depends on him whether the child will have a desire to get closer, to build new relationships. Introduce him (her) as a mother’s friend (dad’s girlfriend), do not force the child to immediately recognize the new partner as a stepfather / stepmother. Refrain from asking about first impressions, questions like “How does he/she feel about you?” not as harmless as it seems. Give your child time and space to gradually build their own, personal relationship with their future adoptive parent.
In order to realize his place in the new family, the child needs to understand that his stepfather (stepmother) is not a friend, not an equal to him, but an adult on whom he can rely and whom he, in turn, must respect and obey. The non-native parent has his own educational role and at least the duty to be an authority for the child and protect him, without replacing the father or mother. In these relationships – which will depend on how much everyone is willing to invest in them – the mother or father of the child plays a decisive role. It is she (he) who will have to help the partner take his place in the family, give responsibility for what is happening in it and allow him to take the initiative in family life. Of course, it is undesirable for a child to call a new family member “dad” or “mother”, especially if the father or mother is still involved in his upbringing. A common practice is to call a mother’s husband or father’s wife by her first name. At first, this facilitates contact, but later it makes it difficult to designate a place for everyone and draw a line between adults and children. Sometimes you have to agree to the name that the child came up with. The advantage of such a name is that it gives a special status to a particular adult and expresses the child’s emotional attitude towards him, which helps to establish an affective connection.
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2. Be fair
Should I treat my own child and my partner’s child the same way? All adoptive parents face this issue. It is necessary to constantly ensure that no one is in a privileged position, but it cannot be denied that there is a difference between treating one’s own child and treating a partner’s child. By realizing this reality, we give ourselves the opportunity to become a just parent. As in a traditional family, it is about recognizing that we perceive each child as an individual. It is important to be attentive to the possible anxiety and anxieties of the child of the partner and talk to him about it in order to calm him down. Often he thinks that he “did not deserve” the same love of the adults with whom he lives.
But the opposite is also true: you should not be more condescending to the child of another just because you are “not a father and not a mother” to him. No child will like this: one will feel that they have given up on him, the other – that he is being harassed. One-on-one conversations with your own child will help reassure him that the status of a son or daughter has not changed and maintain closeness.
3. Manage conflict
The child is not always ready to recognize the authority of a new family member and obey him. Therefore, the mother or father will have to confirm the legitimacy of the partner’s requirements: “Yes, in the evening you will need to do your homework, Pavel is right”, “No, you will not go for a walk after 10 o’clock, I agree with Nina.” If the conflict between the stepfather and the child has dragged on, it is better for the stepfather not to lose his temper and seek help from the mother, who will intervene in the situation, and then retreat and wait for a while. Perhaps neither the child nor the mother’s new partner is ready to enter into a child-parent relationship.
If a child has taken a position of systematic denial, do not try to buy his favor, give him the opportunity to live on and express his aggressiveness, even if it is not easy to endure every day. Tell him that you understand the difficulty of the situation for him, but insist on the rules: violent behavior is categorically unacceptable. Keep in mind that if, for example, a stepfather constantly “blocks” with the mother, this is not productive for the relationship with the child, even if the calls of adults to order are perfectly legal. The child must feel that there is still a special, separate connection between him and the natural parent.
When desire is born between children
The shadow of incest haunts parents who have married each other. What happens when there is love between stepbrother and sister? Answer by psychoanalyst Jean-Pierre Winter.
“The taboo on incest is connected not only with genetics, but also with the symbolic bonds on which any society relies. It is precisely these symbolic bonds that arise in remarriage. So, stepping over the ban on the love relationship of a non-blood brother and sister, we still violate the ban on incest. How to behave if feelings arose between teenagers in the new “clan”? I would not immediately pillory them, but I would explain to them that they put themselves in a difficult position: in addition to the public condemnation that they will face (and this is not only hypocrisy, because society feels when its fundamentals), there will be a problem of redefining the place of everyone in a large family, and for several generations. After all, observance of the taboo on incest allows everyone to determine their place in the family in relation to others, to know for sure that when I say “my father”, I do not point to “my uncle.” KK
4. Relationships of former and new partners
Inform your former partner about the arrival of a new member in the family: he (a) has the right to know with whom his (her) child will grow up. In addition, in this case, he (she) will be less tempted to arrange “spy games” using the child. But do not pretend that you and the “ex” (“ex”) still love each other, this will only disorient the child: if everyone gets along so well, why not live together? This, of course, does not mean that it is desirable to conflict, especially since the child in this case becomes the main subject of controversy: parents cannot agree on the distribution of the days that the child spends in each house, they cancel plans for summer trips … There will always be such bills, which is easiest to reduce with the help of a child.
Criticism from the former partner in relation to the new one (and vice versa) unbalances the child, because it devalues the adults with whom he lives and grows, and therefore devalues a part of himself. Caught in a conflict of loyalty, he may forbid himself to build a relationship with a new relative, fearing to betray a father or mother who does not live with him. Trying to maintain civilized relations is the minimum that is required of all parties. But this is only possible if the broken couple has managed to resolve their conflicts and each member of the clan recognizes the place of other adults in the upbringing of the child: his own, his former partner, but also the adoptive parent too.
A. Faber, E. Mazlish “Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together
The book by American communication experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish will be indispensable for parents who are exhausted by constant quarrels and jealousy between their children.
Step siblings
In all families, there can be closer and more distant relationships between siblings. Love is not an obligation here. Why demand it from children in “rebuilt” families? As always, the golden rule is respect for everyone. Trying to be fair parents and listening to each child, especially in case of conflict between them, you thereby create conditions in which children will treat each other well. If a child appears in a new family only on weekends, it is difficult for him to build relationships with other children. Jealousy in this case is almost inevitable.
So that the incoming child does not feel superfluous or a “guest”, it is better to prepare in advance for his arrival, come up with something special that you can do together. It is important to allocate time on the weekends when the child can be alone with his own father (or mother). You can, for example, go to a cafe together to discuss news, school successes, worries … A child should feel like a son or daughter, even if he cannot see his father (or mother) every day.
Ideally, each child should have their own room, including those who come for the weekend. In reality, children often have to share a room for two. In young children, this contributes to rapprochement, but in any case, it is better to get their opinion. Sometimes a screen or curtain is enough to create an intimate space for everyone, to give a sense of security.