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Alas, this happens: we wait, dream, seek, prepare … but the other, as if still does not dare to enter our life. Why? Our experts talk about how to make the desired meeting possible.
Being in love is wonderful. They dream of passionate love, they desperately strive for it, but this does not mean at all that we, who are looking for romantic feelings, are actually ready to “make room” a little, to give a place to another person in our lives. In other words, the possibility of falling in love depends on unconscious attitudes no less than on desire, even the most sincere one …
How the past affects current relationships
Our desires enter into a complex dialogue with the desire of another. Because the feelings of two are always also a meeting of paternal and maternal figures on both sides. The meeting revives in us what we inherited from our parents, the first emotional connections, the desire for fusion and the feeling of its impossibility.
“If the parents had unstable, tense relationships, they constantly cheated on each other, or the couple was often on the verge of divorce, then their adult son or daughter may have both conscious and unconscious fears: why put your soul into a new meeting, if it is all will end in disaster? – comments family psychotherapist Ekaterina Kadieva.
In order for my father to remain the best in my life, I chose those men who obviously could not compete with him.
47-year-old Vladimir, who experienced a dramatic divorce of his parents in childhood, and then a break with his wife, now generally avoids strong relationships: “I’m not so much afraid for myself, but I don’t want to hurt my beloved. Therefore, I do not tell in detail about my life, I try not to become attached and not to attach to myself. In his relationship there is a place of tenderness, but they do not turn life around, do not force him to change anything or change himself.
“It is especially difficult for someone who has not been able to separate from their parents to open their intimate world,” explains analytical psychotherapist Madina Slutskaya. For example, adult women sometimes cannot build a relationship with a man, over and over again starting unsuccessful novels, because they do not want to break the unconscious connection with their father. This reluctance is uncontrollable: we simply choose those partners who are obviously not suitable for us in order to remain faithful to one of the parents.
“It was only in the process of psychoanalysis that I realized that in order for my father to remain the best and most important in my life, I chose those men who obviously could not compete with him,” says 35-year-old Tatyana. No wonder I broke up with them. Now I’m working on liberating myself: if I can finally stop being addicted to rascals and can build a relationship with someone positive, then I’m on the right track.
To abandon the false idea of fidelity to parents, which poisons personal life, to escape from the circle of past failures, the experience of disappointments and dramas – only in this way can we “invite” a new meeting into life, gain new energy, feel desire again … Otherwise, we will endlessly repeat passed or even fall into hopelessness.
“I start romances, but parting with my first partner was so painful that now I prefer to limit myself to flirting,” admits 30-year-old Svetlana. – These relationships do not capture entirely, but they cannot injure. True, I am not left with the feeling that I am robbing myself, that something important is passing by.
When a partner reminds us of someone who used to mean a lot, this can be one of the signs of a trap.
Each personal story is unique, and depending on the experience, the shadows of the past can push us to another or, conversely, make any frankness impossible. “Disappointed in relationships, we are afraid of repeating the pain and avoid new connections,” explains Madina Slutskaya. “However, if, despite past wounds, the fear of loneliness prevails in the unconscious, it worries us and encourages us to throw ourselves into someone’s arms again.”
When a partner reminds us of someone who used to mean a lot, this can be one of the signs of a trap, a vicious circle. “In such a situation, I speak of “false gratitude,” explains psychoanalyst Bernard-Elie Torgeman. It is important not to take this similarity as a positive signal. Rather, on the contrary, this is a reason to be especially attentive and careful, to ask yourself uncomfortable questions … “
The birth of a feeling of love in the words of Stendhal
An excerpt from the book “On Love” (1892)
“This is what happens in the soul:
- Delight.
- A person thinks: “What a pleasure to kiss her, to receive a kiss from her!”
- Hope. The study of perfection begins. To get the greatest possible physical pleasure, a woman should give herself at this very moment. Even the most restrained women’s eyes turn red in a moment of hope. Passion is so strong, pleasure is so alive, that it manifests itself in striking signs.
- Love was born. To love means to experience pleasure when you see, touch, feel with all your senses and at the closest possible distance the being that you love and that loves you.
How does the meeting take place and what can interfere with it
And yet, the desire to fall in love is often overwhelmed: we dream of a romance and look everywhere for an object of passion. But all in vain … Perhaps, no matter how old we are, no matter how rich experience of personal relationships we have, unconsciously we keep the image of an ideal lover, a handsome prince or a good wizard. And we involuntarily project it onto a mere mortal, who himself is not averse to endowing us with the features of his ideal.
Therefore, infantile fantasies are so natural that he (or she) will heal us, protect us, raise us to a pedestal, become a source of inspiration. These fantasies are akin to the longing to “go back home” to where we experienced the Oedipus or Electra complex.
“We remain human beings in deep longing for the superman-Other,” says Jungian analyst James Hollis. “If I expect the Other to save me from fears and horrors during my life journey, then I am evading the main task and the main reason for my being on earth… Only by taking on the task of freeing the Other from projections, we can do the maximum for him – love him.
The meeting can remain fruitless if we do not feel the other physically: his smell, skin, breath.
When the unconscious desire for the ideal is overcome, or at least realized, fear of the real person comes, an indispensable companion of desire. This fear operates on three levels, suggests Bernard-Elie Torgement: “at the level of reality (how do I approach him, how do I behave with him?), at the level of imagination (next time I will say this and offer it) and, finally, at the level of fantasies (he or she causes me a certain memory, desire, image …).
“The best thing is to be here and now, in your own body, being aware of your own feelings,” continues the psychoanalyst. “After all, not only a conversation between two unconscious people arises, but also a bodily dialogue. The meeting of two intellects and two emotional states can remain fruitless if we do not feel the other physically: its smell, skin, breath. You need to give the body the opportunity to express its opinion, to communicate something important.
This means that you have to give up control at least for a while, forget about expectations and fears, about firm criteria and clear ideals, relax and listen to yourself …
Meeting is a great gift: we do not just get to know another person, we open up the whole cosmos
Fear always accompanies a new meeting and prevents you from opening up. It gives rise to curiosity – and who is this other? – but also suppresses the unknown, serves as an inspiration … and kills romantic impulses. Looking for another and opening up for a meeting is prevented not only by fear, but also by narcissism, the desire to be with a person who would unconditionally accept us and even consider shortcomings to be virtues.
This desire becomes especially strong today, when we strive to be perfect in everything – in work, in intellectual pursuits, in relationships. Such a desire for perfection prevents you from letting another into your intimate world.
But we should take this risk! After all, a real meeting is a great gift: we do not just get to know another person, we open up the whole cosmos. A real feeling turns life upside down, and this upheaval occurs not only in external circumstances, but also within us. We do not merge with another and do not absorb it, but together we create a new space where two unique personalities come into contact. We forget about our habits and prejudices, we acquire the ability to be surprised, spontaneity, freshness of sensations and emotions return to us.
And most importantly, by recognizing the other, we can finally see the true (better) ourselves. That self, which will be for us the most important surprise of a new relationship …
The birth of a feeling of love in the words of Bunin
Excerpt from Antigone (1943)
“He was reclining in the dark and had already decided to roll over to the wall and fall asleep, but suddenly he raised his head, got up: undressing, he saw a small door in the wall at the head of the bed, out of curiosity he turned the key in it and found a second one behind it, tried it, but it turned out that it is locked from the outside. Now someone was softly walking behind these doors, doing something mysteriously. And he held his breath, slipped off the bed, opened the first door, listened: something softly rang on the floor behind the second door…
He went cold: is this really her room! He clung to the keyhole—fortunately there was no key in it—he saw the light, the edge of the women’s dressing table, then something white that suddenly stood up and closed everything… It was undeniable that this was her room—who else ? And he seemed to fall ill immediately with her nocturnal proximity here, behind the wall, and her inaccessibility. He did not sleep for a long time, woke up late and immediately felt again, mentally saw, imagined her transparent nightgown, bare feet in shoes … “
It took her a while to believe in his feeling
41-year-old Gala, a casting manager, and 31-year-old Vitaly, a special forces soldier of the Ministry of Internal Affairs, have been together for 4 years.
Gala: “I was engaged in the selection of actors for the program, I was looking for the type of a brutal man. On Odnoklassniki, I accidentally saw Vitaly. She noted that he was an interesting young man, she wanted to invite, but then she found out who he works for and realized that she would not agree. Nevertheless, a correspondence began, which, to my surprise, became more interesting and deeper with each letter.
I knew that he liked me, but it was so strange! He is 27, I am ten years older, I am a grown woman with children… But: what letters did he write to me! Poems! He offered to meet, but I refused: I was afraid to be disappointed. And when she finally made up her mind, she came in advance to watch him from the side. Then she came up. He saw me, grabbed me in an armful and said that he would not let me go anywhere else.
There were enough beautiful words in my life, I didn’t believe in anything for a long time, I knew that it didn’t happen … But it turned out that these were not just words. Vitaly looked after him very nicely, tried to help, protect … And four months later he suddenly announced that he was leaving, that it was so necessary for the service. Of course, he called every day when he could, came, and then did everything to move back. And literally by the hand he took me to court so that I could finally divorce my husband, with whom I had not lived for many years … And immediately after the divorce, he proposed to me.
I said I would. What for? It seemed to me that the registry office was superfluous. Vitaly became very close, almost family, but I did not want to burden him with my problems and children. And he did everything to make me believe in him, in his love. In general, he is a real man, a “leaving nature”, there are simply no people like my husband now. ”
Vitali: “First impression: Gala is bright, attractive, attracting. And at the same time – dear, our own … We met quite by accident. I was in the hospital, and my roommate registered me with Odnoklassniki. There I saw Gala’s announcement, wrote her a letter, she answered … We began to correspond, I tried to please her, to arouse interest.
By the way, I didn’t feel like I was making any impression on her. Although I saw that she was cautious … But it seemed to me quite natural, because she did not know me at all! And it’s okay that she needed to check on me. I was absolutely sure that I was doing everything right, going in the right direction, that I needed only her and no one else.
The fact that she is older, that she has children – I immediately saw all this information on her page, and this did not stop me. Perhaps from the outside it seems strange or too bold, but if I were a coward, I would not have achieved anything in my profession. After we met, I was finally convinced that I was not mistaken. That we will be together. That I can win her over. There is an element of self-confidence in this, but how without it? We are told: the main thing is to get involved in the battle, and then we will figure it out. We have been together for four years, and I know that I cannot live without her. My crush has grown into a big, mature feeling.”
5 steps to love
How to make someone appear who will appreciate us and with whom we will fall in love at first sight for life? There are no recipes, reminds Jungian analyst James Hollis, but there are rules that a person in love should know so that his romantic passion does not become a disappointment.
- Understand what I want from a relationship. It is important to calmly and frankly ask yourself: “What does my soul really want?” And then use all your abilities and opportunities so as not to lose in the daily routine, but to realize this desire.
- Answer for yourself. Give up the dream of a good wizard, the illusion that the new lover is the right person who will solve all problems, overcome fears and free you from previous negative experiences.
- Separate from parents. Do not think that dependence on father and mother disappears as soon as we decide to live our own lives. This is a painful process: it requires a fair amount of courage so that the desire to separate does not come to naught every time, as soon as one of the parents, for example, begins to speculate on lostness and loneliness.
- Enter into a dialogue. We have to understand and accept that the person we are in love with is really different, not the same as ourselves. And no matter how our “I” resists its otherness, we need to learn to listen and hear it. It is in this difficult dialogue with others that one develops one’s own freedom and individuality.
- Empathize. We must not be afraid to show compassion for our beloved when they are hurt, to show our unwavering support and trust when life has let them down, to cheer them up on the path that passes next to ours. This is an opportunity to openly demonstrate your attraction and empathy.