It seems to many that the child should not see how the parents swear: they say, this will cause him injury. However, the problem is not in the conflict itself, but in our inability to solve problems constructively. But silence can really be dangerous.
You can show anger in different ways: shout, speak in a raised voice, incinerate the offender with a look, or simply sit in a corner with a frown. But it is almost impossible not to give out feelings at all, especially in relationships with loved ones. Especially in the presence of children.
“A child is a living barometer of emotions,” says Mark Cummings, professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame (USA). For twenty years he has been studying the impact of family conflicts on children. “Children are very sensitive to changes in the emotional state of their mother or father,” he explains. “They are well aware that there are different ways of expressing feelings.”
Many parents believe that quarrels in the presence of the child should be avoided at all costs. There is no need to involve him in “adult” problems, they say. Let everything boil inside – it is better to restrain yourself. Some accumulate anger at a partner for years, playing friendliness and correctness at the family table. They are proud of their self-control, being in the illusion that their deceit is not visible from the outside.
Depressed and anxious adults grow up in families where it is customary to hide conflicts.
But on a non-verbal level, we still send signals to each other, and it’s not so difficult to “intercept” them. Especially for someone who, from the very first minutes of his life, learned to guess the mood of others. Silencing quarrels is not only useless, but also dangerous. When a child lives for a long time in an atmosphere of unspoken reproaches, this affects his behavior. He may decide that his parents are arguing because of him, become nervous and aggressive.
In addition, it may affect his emotional development. Research shows that conflict-hidden families produce depressed and anxious adults.1. They have difficulty expressing their emotions, don’t get along well with people, and in their own families repeat the same patterns of relationships that they saw in childhood.
In Family Conflict and Children, Mark Cummings makes a strong case for learning to manage anger. The ability to resolve conflicts constructively is a useful skill in itself. But it becomes indispensable when you have children. The habit of bottling up all unwanted emotions helps to avoid ugly scenes, but in the long run it is useless.
“Of course, the fact that silence doesn’t work is no excuse for aggressive behavior and emotional abuse,” explains Mark Cummings. – But if there are disagreements between partners, do not be shy to express them in front of the child. Conflicts are a natural part of life. It can even be beneficial for a child to watch the conflict of parents – provided that they try to be constructive and considerate of each other’s feelings.
Couples where partners are responsive and able to listen to each other are more likely to pass this ability on to children. According to Cummings, it also determines success in life: a child who understands his emotions better and gets along well with others will have better prospects, even if other factors such as family wealth, social environment and education do not indicate this.
“When we find bad solutions to problems, we don’t do it on purpose,” points out Mark Cummings. “We just don’t see the whole chain of consequences. On the positive side, we can avoid the worst-case scenario if we set the example for children to resolve conflicts sensibly.”
1 Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 2016, vol. 125.
About the Expert: Mark Cummings is Professor of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame (USA), author of Family Conflicts and Children.