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Does your friendship look like an equal exchange or has it been a “one-sided game” for a long time? Do you have the feeling that friends call you only when they need you – can you help with money, listen, entertain, cheer? Do they support you when you need it? If you do not initiate communication, is there silence on the air? And most importantly, are you satisfied with this state of affairs?
“I sought to please others because I was too afraid of loneliness”
“A few years ago, I radically reconsidered my relationships with friends,” recalls 37-year-old Maria. – I was going through a painful breakup with a partner and counted on the support of others – at least that my friends would call and write to me, inquire about how I was, and maybe even visit with wine and chocolate. But no. There was not a single call or message.
This surprised me, and I decided to conduct an experiment: not to contact myself and see if someone notices my “disappearance”. Before that, I always initiated communication: I called, wrote to general chats, invited me somewhere, booked tables for us. And then she began to wait. I waited a week, a month, two, three … Silence. True, a couple of girlfriends called on business, but that’s it.
To say that it hurt is an understatement. This discovery shocked me even more than the separation from my partner. It turns out that for years I spent a lot of effort and time trying to keep people close to me who did not need me.
I tried to please others, to adapt to them, because I was too afraid of loneliness
And to be honest, realizing and eventually experiencing it, I felt much freer. I went into therapy and learned to give myself everything that I had been waiting for from others for years. However, that’s a completely different story.”
An experience like that experienced by Maria can give a lot of painful, but important discoveries. It forces us to reflect on what our requirements for friends are and what role we ourselves play in relations with them. It could well have happened that we, without noticing it ourselves, “grew” out of this particular friendship. Or that the dynamics of relationships with these people no longer suits us.
9 Signs Your Friendship Has Become One-Way
- A friend often puts you down, belittles you, shows signs of micro-aggression – although he may do this implicitly.
- He communicates with you only when it is convenient for him.
- A friend constantly involves you in what is happening in his life, dumps excessive details and negative emotions on you.
- He regularly lets you down and cancels appointments.
- Communication with this person hurts your self-esteem.
- A friend is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t support you.
- When you talk about what worries you about this relationship, it turns out that the friend is not ready to work on it.
- Every time you meet him, you feel empty.
- You regularly play the role of a psychologist, babysitter or bank, but a friend does not do the same for you.
A strong friendship won’t break?
We have been taught to think that old friendships must be preserved “at all costs”, but is this true? We grow, change and deserve to be with those people who love, appreciate and accept us. Therefore, it is worth choosing ourselves and abandoning relationships in which we “lose” ourselves. To be grateful to friends for everything that we experienced together, for the lessons they taught us, but, if necessary, to let them go.
It is also important to understand what you expect from friendship, and strive for this. Look for people with whom:
- you won’t feel guilty all the time
- who will not need to constantly please, win their attention,
- with whom you can talk about everything, be honest to the end and not be afraid to show your true face,
- who will be ready to work on the relationship.
We meet people at different stages and at different periods of our lives – including when we are not quite in order and are not able to set personal boundaries. Not surprisingly, in this case, the relationship with them is not entirely healthy. But it is possible and necessary to work on them – if, of course, the second person is ready for this.
If your friend isn’t happy that you’re no longer “comfortable,” well, maybe it’s time to break up with him.
Take time to reflect on your relationships with friends. Do they all invest in your friendship, try to maintain a relationship? Are there any connections in which you “drag” everything on yourself?
If relationships with these people are still important to you, don’t be afraid to initiate an honest conversation. Share what worries you: if you are dear to a friend, he will hear you and try to change something. Yes, getting this kind of feedback can be painful and frustrating, but in the long run, it will take your friendship to the next level.
Relationships, including those with friends, can be a source of energy and joy, or they can devastate us. Therefore, it is so important to carefully approach the choice of environment. Learn to choose those who choose you. Those who know how not only to take, but also to give, not only to speak, but also to listen. Those who do not envy your success, but also strive to grow. This friendship is sure to stand the test of time.