One Hundred Years of Solitude: Why Can’t We Build Relationships?

We all come from childhood

Valera does not like to remember his childhood: his parents seemed to compete in strictness towards their son, and their demands were often unpredictable. Valera could not lie, so he simply closed. As a result, he built an “armor” around himself, which helped him achieve some stability in his own world.

Now Valery is an accomplished entrepreneur. He has his own company, built from scratch. But there are practically no friends and he failed to build partnerships either in business or in his personal life.

School life

Ksenia is a victim of bullying at school. Every day, she was tensely expecting new mockery and chicanery from her classmates and gradually fenced herself off from everyone. Even at home, she did not have support – her mother was not up to her teenage daughter, she was engaged in her personal life.

How Xenia managed to finish school well, she herself did not understand. And then she began to work on the resulting psychological trauma in order to pull herself out of the “swamp”. And the girl succeeded – thanks to her willpower.

Now she even has friends – she is not always comfortable with them, but they enjoy spending time with Ksenia. And she gratefully accepts this friendship.

Past relationship experience

One day, Marina accidentally found out that her husband had been living a double life for two years. In addition, in other respects, he had a son. Marina, recovering from the shock, filed for divorce. The only thing she didn’t understand was why her husband didn’t leave. He did not deign to answer this question.

Marina did not suffer, did not become depressed and did not threaten the former with violence. She just turned that page in her life. However, after some time, she caught herself thinking that she could not trust men. It seems that boyfriends appeared, and she did not plan to leave the monastery, but … any acquaintances ended after several dates. And most often – at the initiative of Marina.

At some point, while visiting a friend, the woman realized that she was avoiding intimacy. Still, the betrayal of an already ex-husband sits as a thorn in her soul, therefore, fearing new disappointments, she keeps men at a distance. Therefore, it does not start close relationships.

Dependency on Independence

All of the above stories are classic examples of how the fear of intimacy is born and then manifests itself. We feel confident only when we understand that we are not dependent on anyone or anything. And we “sit down” on this independence.

People with a fear of intimacy have no trust in the world: it seems to us that if we let someone close to us, then he will definitely hurt us. Not now, then later.

Because of this same experience, people often become workaholics and perfectionists: they strive to be perfect in everything in order to achieve a sense of security. To cover absolutely all your needs and not be dependent on anyone. From here, anxiety and dissatisfaction with oneself take roots – “it could be much better”!

How to “turn off” the fear of intimacy

The first and most important step is to accept it. After that, you can slowly, in small steps, begin to move towards another person.

Try to build flexible boundaries rather than brick walls when interacting with others. It will take time, but in the end you will learn how to protect yourself in an environmentally friendly way, and not through aggression or flight.

Learn to accept support, warmth and care. Gradually regain the ability to feel and recognize your experiences, and feel free to talk about them, about your fears and about your past. Over time, this will help you reduce your stress levels and build trust in your friend or partner.