On January 23, 2018, 19-year-old Artem Iskhakov killed his ex-girlfriend Tatyana Strakhova. He killed, abused the body, described in detail what happened on the page «Vkontakte» and committed suicide. Accusations immediately fell on the girl, they say, she herself is to blame, victimhood, the position of the victim … Why do we so enthusiastically cling to the opportunity to justify the criminal and what is hidden behind this desire?
As a journalist and editor, I must be impartial and not take sides, indulge in emotional turns of speech and focus on only one side of the issue. But I can not.
As a mother of two children, a boy and a girl, I have mixed feelings. I don’t want to try this situation on myself and I can’t help but do it — it would be a lie in relation to myself. What if it was my son? How would I feel if it was so bad for him and he was so sick that he did such a monstrous act and took someone’s life and then took his own life? What then? It’s unbearable to think about it.
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What if it was my daughter? If it was her who dyed her hair in funny colors, rented an apartment with a boy, went on dates, and then this boy killed her? How would I feel if I later found out how many people consider her worthy of a terrible and painful death? Just because she didn’t look like that, or was photographed obscenely, or laughed too loudly? Just because she’s a woman? Probably, it is not necessary to say that even thinking about it is unbearable.
It is impossible not to think, not to reflect. Which one do I really sympathize with? Should I choose a side?
Probably shouldn’t. I sympathize with everyone — to some extent. And I choose this side — sympathy for everyone. The murdered girl who killed her and the boy who committed suicide, their loved ones. Everyone.
But the side that I cannot take is the side of condemnation, violent victimblaming (a term derived from the English words victim — «victim» and blame — «blame», literally — «accusation of the victim») and justification of violence and murder. Because, no matter how bad this boy is, let’s leave this question to professional psychiatrists, you cannot justify murder and violence by the behavior of the victim. Never.
“He killed because of unrequited love”, “poor guy, the girl brought him”, “yes, look at her photos on Instagram” (an extremist organization banned in Russia), “but there is nothing to live with the former”, “she is also with his met with another.» All these words represent only one thing — an attempt to justify the murder, to make it legitimate. Allow it.
Many are surprised by the fact that most of the accusations against the murdered girl come from women. It would seem that female solidarity, a sense of community and belonging, everyone could imagine themselves in her place.
No. No one wants to imagine themselves in her place. A girl named Tanya, who was someone’s daughter, friend, lover, was killed, and killed very cruelly. And abused her body. And the killer posted a terrible description of all this on the Internet for everyone to see. From reading this letter, any normal person is sickened and turned inside out — if not physically, then mentally for sure. It is impossible to fit in my head, I want to close my eyes and erase this hell from my memory. Because it shouldn’t be. This cannot happen in the world.
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But here’s the problem: it actually happens. And the worst thing is what can happen to any of us: someone’s mother, wife, daughter, girlfriend, lover. With me or with you, who are reading this text now. With anyone. Nobody is protected. Neither «victim» nor «non-victim». Brunettes, blondes, redheads, purples, kind, evil, decent and not so — we are all vulnerable.
The thought of one’s own defenselessness frightens so much that it is almost impossible to accept it.
“You can’t discuss victimhood in the context of a murder,” explains psychotherapist Vladimir Dashevsky. — This term is used in the Russian tradition, in the Western it is used extremely rarely and not in such cases. Attempts to justify murder by victimization and the so-called “victim position” are deeply flawed. Sacrifice in psychology refers more to an interaction in a couple, when the «victim» expects — consciously or not — to receive something in exchange for his vulnerable position. Protection, care, attention, something else. This is a kind of manipulation. Victim behavior cannot be applied to murder. And you can’t explain the murder in terms of victimology. The behavior of the victim cannot justify the crime.»
The thought of one’s own defenselessness frightens so much that it is almost impossible to accept it. The psyche seeks to escape from this terrible realization. A sense of security is vital for a person, and therefore many people have a need, often not even realized, to find some explanation for violence and murder.
If you try to ignore the anger caused by the accusations against the murdered girl, only pity will remain.
Why did it happen? What did Tanya do that killed her ex-boyfriend who lived with her in the same apartment? Maybe she dyed her hair the wrong color? Maybe she looked the wrong way, smiled at the wrong person, and went on dates with the wrong person? Or maybe it’s her parents’ fault that they didn’t take her home and let her live with this guy?
Who seeks will always find. Any pseudo-explanation that will help you feel safe will do: “I don’t communicate with my ex, nothing will happen to me”, “I don’t allow my daughter to dye her hair and get pierced, no one will kill or rape her.” Anything to be calmer.
If you try to ignore the anger that accusations against the murdered girl cause, only pity will remain for people who are so scared that it blinds their eyes and prevents them from showing elementary sympathy for the victim and her parents, mourning the tragic death of their daughter.
Would it be correct to say that the matter is only in the defensive reaction of the psyche? Unlikely. The problem lies much deeper.
“This is more about social psychology than criminal psychology. In Russian society, the level of tolerance for violence is extremely high, and to a greater extent for violence against women, Vladimir Dashevsky believes. “We are not surprised by the news about the murders, we seem to be ready for them in advance and perceive them as something familiar.
We bring peace to Syria, condemn or not condemn the Americans, we read about massacres in schools in the news, and on the federal channel, the hosts who invited Ksenia Sobchak as a guest are actually throwing mud at her. Society has developed a clear understanding of who is right and wrong, a conviction has developed that we have the right to punish the guilty and establish the right order.
If you were killed, then you are guilty. You weren’t brave enough, smart enough, decent enough, submissive enough, whatever.
“When a teenager exists in such an information field,” the psychoanalyst continues, “when violence and outright rudeness become the norm, tolerance for them increases. Society itself is not capable of reflection, it has become ossified. We even banned the film The Death of Stalin, which, in fact, demonstrates an attempt to come to terms with the tragedy that claimed and destroyed millions of lives with the help of laughter and humor.
Society seems to be petrified, and therefore we have only two options: either you are right or you are wrong. If you were killed, then you are guilty. You weren’t brave enough, smart enough, decent enough, submissive enough, whatever. We seem to be sliding into a terrible patriarchal stone age, where the weakness and defenselessness of women justify the idea of possible violence against her.
In part, this could be explained by the reaction to feminism, which in the West has long become part of the culture, but in our country is not yet so widespread. When women appear in our society who strive for some kind of achievement in the «field of men», they are treated very skeptically. They are rude to them, they are laughed at, they try to make them inappropriate.
In the same way, the skill of empathy is necessary, even in relation to mentally ill people who do terrible things.
“If a woman appears in the field of activity that men used to consider their own,” says Vladimir Dashevsky, “they perceive it as a threat to their position, an encroachment on territory and their unique male position. Men are trying to maintain their cozy world in which they can lead and manage this very world and these women. But in the context of violence and murder, all these arguments — like arguments about victimhood and the “victim position” — are nothing more than another attempt to justify the perpetrator. This is the tacit acceptance by society of such monstrous deeds. Only total intolerance to violence and punishment for the committed crime can somehow secure the society in which we all live.”
It seems to me that this is necessary first of all for those very people who are so afraid for themselves that they begin to blame the victim of the crime. And in the same way, the skill of sympathy is necessary, even in relation to mentally ill people who commit terrible acts. No, this will not be an excuse and will not bring the murdered girl back to life. But it can help us all become a little more mindful. A little more aware. A little more kind. And maybe this will be one of the first steps towards making the world, our world with you, safer and better.