Why is it so unpleasant for us when strangers “poke” us? And when can you switch from a respectful “you” to a friendly “you”? The therapist reflects on the rules of communication and the feelings that break them causes in us.
“A banal everyday situation — but it touched me. In the store next door to the house, a saleswoman who knows me by sight suddenly spoke to me in “you”. For me, this came as a complete surprise. I was confused, I felt discouraged. I was uncomfortable and at the same time not sure how to react.
We usually say “you” to strangers or unfamiliar people, those who are older in age, higher in status. In any case, «you» — polite treatment, showing respect for the interlocutor — involves keeping a distance, and sometimes giving the other a safe space. On «you» we turn to loved ones and to God. This is a sign of trust and love.
But there is another “you”, which indicates the absence of distance, respect, sometimes even the fact that a person is reduced to a function, a role. Although there may be misperception and misunderstanding. The sudden transition from «you» to «you» may just mean an involuntary desire for greater intimacy, for which we are not (yet) ready.
For that saleswoman, a self-confident woman, «you» may have been a sign of affection and affection. But I felt embarrassed and angry at her and at myself. It was important for me to understand what happened. The seller is an expert in his product. And by this criterion, her position as an expert is higher than my position as a buyer.
But I am an expert on my feelings. And I know better how I want to be addressed
With her «you» she violated the equality of our positions. Then I said nothing, confused and not wanting to hurt her. But if in the future she again speaks to me on “you”, I will definitely say: “I like to come to you for shopping. But I would like us to address each other as «you».
If the “you” of the saleswoman, on whom I do not depend, with whom I may well not communicate, hurts so much, then how much more difficult it is to endure this — and in this context already sounding derogatory! — an appeal from the boss, teacher, policeman … Such a “you” has been going on since the days of serfdom, when the gentlemen “poked” their peasants and servants.
How to deal with it? In any case, do not go on about your indignation, resentment — that is, your impulsive defenses. Not to respond «blow for blow» — after all, there is no other way but to respect those boundaries that are necessary for ourselves. Show to others the respect and courtesy that we have the right to count on and insist on in dealing with them.