On the wings of love, or How to make a family (N.I. Kozlov)

INTRODUCTION

Living in a family is fine and with love, most people, it seems, never really knew how. But they were forced to live in a family, as in an economic unit, because they were forced to. Loyalty was followed when it was profitable, and infidelity was followed when it became more interesting. Over the past fifty years, the situation has changed dramatically, and living without a family, alone, independently, has become without problems and even more convenient — given that people have not learned to live in pairs. Most of my colleagues in this situation believe that the institution of the family has become obsolete, it is time to abandon it and look for new forms of social life arrangement. However, I adhere to other views, and I believe that the future of society was and will be in the family: father, mother and children, if only we are still interested in the task of learning to live in a family. This task seems to me extremely worthy and even realistic: at least my experience in Sinton says that people can learn this. What will a person who already knows how to live as a family, knows how to be happy in a couple, choose? To be only in a couple, always? Individual choice still remains for everyone, and at different stages of their lives, people decide this issue in their own way. However, I am glad that those who have learned to live in a family begin to cherish it, appreciate it, and treat their soul mate as their own person.

I find it difficult to say whether this is my new book or not. The basis here is fragments from my various books: “Philosophical Tales”, “The True Truth” and “The Simple Correct Life”, dedicated to family, close relationships and love. I wanted to make such a selection for a long time, the ACT editors pushed me to this, but when I began to combine it into one text, I realized that I could not be silent — and added or redid a lot.

Nikolay Ivanovich Kozlov

Love, falling in love and family (patterns and paradoxes)

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their work; for if one falls, another will lift up…

Also, if two people are lying down, then they are warm, but how can one be warmed alone?

Ecclesiastes

My family is the people I love. These are my children, this is my wonderful caring wife, these are people close to me, whose voices I love to hear,

whom I like to hug and who I want to take care of. This is a bright and warm world that I once had in my childhood and which I now create myself. I know why I need a family: I want to regain that joy and that natural comfort that I had in my childhood. I want to give a bright world to the people I love.

I’m not a magician — I can’t change the whole world. But I can remake the small world around me, make it according to my own project, make it joyful, alive and reasonable. This is my favorite project — my family. This is my territory, where I am responsible for joy and happiness, as the creator of this world, as the head of the family.

I know why I need a family. Why do you need a family? Why do you need a family if you are already fine?

Today there is freedom in the yard, smart people have both money and an apartment, everything is possible. If you love each other, you can love each other. If you want to be together, you can be together. If you are together or one of you wants a child, there is no problem either.

Family is something to you — why?

You can meet like this.

Most people live without really thinking about whether they really need a family, what kind and why. Some people get married without hesitation.

• Fell in love and got married. What, is that wrong?

Someone also, without much thought, leaves the family.

• They quarreled, uttered painful words to each other, said: “I didn’t really want to!” and slammed the door. Just behind the door and wondered what to do now …

I think it’s good to think. And if you understand what you want in this life, you will most likely do it. And if you want to make a beautiful and happy family, you will have it. But you have to want, and for this — to understand why you need a family.

• And do you need it at all?

Men in search of their soul mate

Every man should be married — at least the state and women think so. Men think more differently on this topic, but it seems to be just as subjective and one-sided. Ask young people the question: “When, under what conditions will you get married?” — you will not meet indifferent people, but thoughtful, deep answers are also rare.

What do young people usually say? Ask, hear:

When will I be able to support my wife?

— When I go for a walk.

• That’s all.

These answers are reasonable, but at least incomplete. And even essentially incomplete. The fact that a man can already provide for his family and is not drawn to more and more romantic adventures, correctly indicates that he is ready for a family in many ways. But … But, you see, “ready” is one thing, and “located” is quite another.

• My neighbor is eighteen, his health is still in order, so he is quite ready to serve in the army. And what do you think, so he is right there and strives? Willingness is one thing, desire is quite another.

In addition, be prepared for the fact that in response to your sigh “I will marry only when I can support my wife”, some intelligent girl may well answer you: “But you don’t need to support me, and in order to rent an apartment for you and me, I have enough money.»

• Marry?

And on the topic “I haven’t walked up yet and protect my freedom,” another cheerful girl will answer you: “But no one encroaches on your freedom, dear. You and I are looking for a family, not a prison. Do you see the differences?

• Interested in details?

The most profound and interesting answer to the question: “When, under what conditions will you marry?” sounds like this: “When I meet my Man, whom I will be happy to love every day, when I find my soul mate, which I will proudly take care of all my life.”

Great answer. How often do you hear people say that?

Crisis of the Institute of the Family

Truly I say to you, you must not pour new wine into old wineskins.

Gospel

In modern society with a family, to be honest, it’s not very good.

Previously, it was difficult to live without a family — you can’t hold out alone, you won’t survive. Now it has become good for people to live, a woman can completely feed herself, even if she has a child. Somehow, they began to hold on to families less.

Before, everything was different.

The traditional family was not very humane, but very strong. “Let the wife of her husband be afraid …” — the girls were inspired from childhood. From childhood, girls were brought up in the spirit of obedience to their husbands, prepared for the household and raising children. “Domostroy” did not have legislative force, but, reflecting and shaping public opinion, prescribed: “If a wife does not obey her husband, then he teaches her with a whip, but it is better if there are no witnesses, but in private. And he hits not in the face, but in the ear and carefully so as not to hit the heart with his fist, and it’s better not to hit with a stick and an iron rod … Best of all with a whip, it hurts, and effectively, and frightens, and is good for health.

• It is clear that in such a situation of disagreement in the question: “Who is the boss in the house?” did not have…

It used to be clear: a married woman is respected, lives like a woman, gives birth and raises children. The husband is her protector, the husband is the breadwinner and breadwinner, but how without a husband? Yes, and public opinion reacted to a divorced woman in almost the same way — neighbors would not be allowed to enter the door.

• And now the family for a woman is the search for happiness. And if there is no happiness, naturally, a divorce.

For men, the meaning of “marital ties” (and men most often understand the family as “bonds”!) is even less clear. Indeed, why should a man marry, what need does he need?

I remember very well a conversation with one guy, Volodya, a member of our club. I once asked him: “Volodya, you are a healthy, strong guy, you are twenty-three years old and you earn normally — why don’t you get married?” I asked him as if in jest, but he answers seriously: “Nikolai Ivanovich, why should I get married?” I was not ready for such a question, I was even a little taken aback: “What for? After all, a person needs a family, children … «-» And what about children? — Volodya answers, — I am making my contribution … »

The people gather around us, and he continues his thought, he has already gone on the offensive:

— But really, Nikolai Ivanovich, let’s figure out why I should get married. Firstly, is the family economically beneficial for me? Girls (he addresses the girls standing nearby), how do you expect that you will support your husband or should he support you? (The girls laughed, the answer is clear). And I look at my acquaintances: here they are friends, they meet, his salary is small, but he has enough, she has a little, but somehow she also has enough, got married — both lack … Divorced — everything is fine again … Paradox, no one explained, but the fact remains — the family «eats» money in general and from men in particular. A family is economically unprofitable for a man.

— Further, — continues Volodya, — from the social point of view. Of course, it’s nice, I got married, my wife will darn socks and cook borscht. But my mother is still alive, she takes care of me, and I myself am not without hands, plus my friends are nearby — they will help, as long as they want to please …

Well, as for the sexual side of life … Well, if I were eighteen years old, there would be problems. And now I’m twenty-three. Nikolai Ivanovich, do you think there are problems?

— Probably not.

— That’s right, no, plus there is still a variety, which I will be deprived of in family life …

• The conversation is edited, but not invented.

But the most interesting thing is that half a year or a year passes, and the same Volodya comes to the club and not alone, but with a girl, satisfied, satisfied, says: “N.I., this is Lena, congratulate us, we will get married soon …” I remind him: “Volodya, it seems that not so long ago you developed some interesting ideas on the topic of the family …” He replies: “Yes, but we love each other so much! ..”

The logic, it turns out, is this: love appears — a family is born.

Controversial logic. That is, of course, it’s good that, at least because of love, guys get married, and girls get married, but if there’s nothing in your head except love, then how easy it was to decide “Let’s get married!” One love is not enough for a family.

What is the family up to?

Marriage is like the Jesuit order:

not entered into it anything about him

does not know, the one who enters is silent about everything.

Probably divorced.

If I see two radiant young people who say: «We love each other so much!» — I only rejoice at this. However, if suddenly this phrase has a continuation and sounds, for example, like this: “We love each other so much and will get married soon!” — I don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I will congratulate them and rejoice for them, or maybe anxiety will settle in my soul … One love is an unreliable support for a family.

• Of course, families are created not only for love. There are also completely random reasons — pregnancy. Or do you need to register. Or the age has come. Or in retaliation for a loved one or a loved one. Or a girl wants to escape from her parents, who do not consider her an adult, do not give her independence and terrorize … Where to escape? Married

Nevertheless, most marriages today are for love, and perhaps the most paradoxical thing is that for us the combination of the words «Love and Family» has become completely natural.

But if you ask your grandmother, especially your great-grandmother, if love was the basis of family life in her time, then most likely you will hear: “Hey, honey, what does love have to do with it!” Indeed, until recently — and after all, many centuries! — the family was built not at all on love, but on more solid, serious things.

In Japan, families are still created not by young people themselves, but by their parents. To be more precise, not “until now”, but not so long ago, smart people recreated this tradition that was forgotten. Now, while young people are walking or very busy with work (and in Japan, young people are very busy with work), their freer parents come to the park, where, under the shade of sakura, they meet other parents in a relaxed atmosphere, look at each other, show photos (and on the video) of their children, slowly reflect and sometimes agree.

Smart parents sometimes understand their children better than they understand themselves. And it is easy for people with experience to determine who is suitable for whom, and who, sorry, is not.

• I have been a leader for 25 years. With that experience, it is already easy for me, just by looking at a person, to understand his features, character traits, whether he is responsible or stupid, cunning or direct, dreary or energetic.

I repeat — people with experience understand people. And if experienced people understand that my daughter and your son are suitable for each other, they introduce them. And, as a rule, after that a family is created — good and for a long time. And with love in such families it turns out to be no worse than in those that were created by the young people themselves out of love.

Love and calculations

«Which marriage is better — for love or for convenience?» The best marriage is a marriage with a head, that is, a union of love and calculation. And in order to answer even more precisely and about what interests you, you need to understand: what kind of love are you asking about? And what calculations were you thinking about?

The calculations are different. The calculation to find a person close in spirit to oneself is also a calculation, and the calculation is quite far-sighted. True, most often by calculation they mean something else, namely, the opportunity to receive certain material and worldly benefits with the help of another.

• For those who value living space and earnings more than anything else: it is true that marriages of convenience, according to statistics, are more durable than love marriages. However, among them, numerous durable ones, there are practically no happy ones …

If you made calculations, but miscalculated, most likely, it is not the calculation that is to blame, but the calculation is erroneous, the calculation is not for that. How to calculate correctly? See the chapter «How to find your man» for more on this.

Similarly, about love: you first need to understand what kind of love between you and in general — is it love?

Where do we start: with calculations or with love? That’s right, let’s start with love, more precisely — with falling in love.

Love. How we fall in love, or Love is one, there are many fakes

Tales of love and love

Falling in love, a sweet illness of the soul and body, is the most common and most striking fake for love.

Love and falling in love should not be confused, they are as different things as an exclusive work of a master and consumer goods from the market. The ability to love is an indicator of mental health and wealth, and the tendency to fall in love speaks, rather, of childhood personality traits, and in some cases neurosis.

But just as a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, so the road to love begins, as a rule, with falling in love. Falling in love can grow into love if you set yourself such a task.

Falling in love, as a rule, dresses up in the clothes of love, pretends to be love — and this is dangerous, because love flares up involuntarily and just as easily goes out.

• “Love” has passed, the tomatoes have withered, and you have news — you are already expecting a baby …

On the other hand, when infatuation is dressed in the clothes of love, it is stunningly beautiful. The best works of art, the brightest poems and the most incredible follies are born of love — more precisely, falling in love, rising, at least for a short time, to love.

Our dates every moment

We celebrated like an epiphany

Alone in the world. You were

Faster and lighter than a bird’s wing

Up the stairs like dizziness

Through the step ran and led

Through the wet lilac to your domain

On the other side of the mirror glass.

When the night came, I had mercy

Donated, altar gates

Opened, and glowed in the dark

And the nakedness slowly sank,

And, waking up: «Be blessed!» —

I spoke and knew that boldly

My blessing: you were sleeping

And touch the eyelids of the blue universe

The lilac reached out to you from the table,

And blue touched eyelids

They were calm, and the hand was warm.

Arseny Tarkovsky. first dates

You need to grow up to love, love, as a reflection of culture, you still need to educate in yourself. Falling in love is easier — you don’t need a lot of intelligence here, for this, first of all, you need a state of pre-love: a special nervous state when you really want to fall in love and are ready. Ready to fall in love.

• In English, it sounds literally: «fall in love.» In Russian, it is formulated in different ways: “I fell in love with her”, “I fell for her”, “I went nuts from him”.

The state of being in love is a very common condition, usually aggravated by spring, and behind this state, as a rule, there are the following circumstances:

— sexual tension;

— conformal reaction to social prescriptions;

— neurosis;

— romantic settings.

More in detail and in order

You couldn’t or didn’t want to

Feel my languor

Your intoxicating body

And save your heart for others.

It was Nikolai Gumilyov who yearned,

and it doesn’t matter that he was already 32

For him, the readiness to fall in love, and the psychiatrist will formulate differently: sexual dissatisfaction, and sexual tension.

Well, for example, the guy was in the army, hormones are playing, and all this time he saw women only on a hidden calendar in the guardhouse. Came to the «citizen» — ready to love everyone. This is Love? No, it’s almost love, it’s close to love, but it’s more accurate to call it the normal, natural sexual attraction of a man to a woman.

• That’s shameful? No, it’s rather a shame if this attraction is not there. But can a guy directly tell a girl: “I have such a sexual attraction to you! ..”? Lieutenant Rzhevsky will say so, and decent young people will never say that to a decent young girl.

In our culture, “just sexuality” is still considered something indecent, and the libido dresses up in the romantic clothes of falling in love.

All girlfriends in pairs

Dispersed in silence

Only me tonight

I sat alone.

All the girlfriends have already fallen in love, everyone already has boyfriends, but I don’t have one yet. What, am I worse than others? I must have something too!

“Why are you alone? What, you don’t have anyone? Are you not sick? — from a girl at a certain age, everyone around her insistently demands that the girl has someone. And not just was, but that she fell in love with him.

“Ah, I fell in love again … Such a horror!” — the girlfriend complains, and her eyes are proud and satisfied. What will our girl answer if she is now only interested in textbooks? There is nothing to answer, because from everywhere, like hypnosis, there is a suggestion: “It’s time to fall in love. To fall in love with such and such and not fall in love with such and such. It is especially fashionable this season to fall in love with such and such. Falling in love is prestigious, but walking not in love at that age is indecent. So we fall in love — by state order …

I need someone to pray for.

Think simple ant

Suddenly I wanted to fall into scissors,

Believe in your charm.

In fact, it is a neurosis of loneliness. Being alone is actually not bad, quite normal, but sometimes loneliness is experienced as a terrible state of complete loneliness, an acute state of dissatisfaction arises, causing a desire to escape from it somewhere … This is already a neurosis. It is bad to be in a neurosis, one wants to escape from a neurosis. Where? Of course, in love! Love frees from neurosis (albeit not for long), and all gratitude and joy («I found a person who! ..») in the form of love pours out on the liberator …

• The strength of the outbreak of love is directly proportional to the severity of the neurosis that gave rise to it.

And the last:

And on the seventh day, in a moment

She emerged from the night lights

Without any heavenly sign…

The coat was light on her.

“I believe that my life is not just gray everyday life day after day. I believe that something extraordinary awaits me, some amazing fate, I will have my own path, real exploits and true love … »

This is romanticism. This is Assol, waiting for her scarlet sails, and Gray, looking for his Assol.

Romantic attitudes are the denial of a gray ordinary life and faith, the search for something extraordinary, daydreaming and readiness for idealization. Someone may laugh at this, but there are facts — great lives really began with just such romantic dreams. A great life begins with a great dream, but if the dream remains only as a daydream, instead of his love, a person receives a state of acute pre-love — the most productive neurosis for love, intensively advertised on radio and television.

• And now — spring, a warm breeze plays with her light dress, she walks around the city, she is already in love. In whom? It is still unknown, but the eyes are already in love. “Where are you, my only one, about which the heart will say? ..” This is called the state of pre-love, the state when she cannot help but fall in love!

And if at that moment someone successfully and on time approached what he needed to say (“Girl, let me give you a flower for your charm … Listen, let me invite you to the cinema — I have two tickets, a wonderful film, you won’t regret it …”) , then everything, her heart began to beat, she said to herself: “This is He!”, She fell in love.

• In fact, she doesn’t need it now. She herself will come up with everything she needs about him, everything that she even earlier — “about Him” planned. Did she fall in love with a person or with her fantasy dreams? In dreams. And get married — live with whom?

The mechanism of such love is very similar to the mechanism of imprinting in animals.

• The well-known zoopsychologist K. Lorenz showed that the chicks (and not only chicks) that were born do not yet know who their mother is. At a strictly defined time, a few hours after birth, they have a state of readiness for imprinting, their eyes seem to be searching: “Who are you, mother? Where are you, mom? Mom recognizes what has “key irritants” — for goslings, for example, this is something resembling a beak on a medium-sized moving object. Since usually immediately after birth, their mother is next to them, they imprint it on her. But if the researcher removes the mother, sits down instead of her, somehow depicting a beak, the goslings recognize him as their mother and after that they are ready to follow him all their childhood. That’s it, the imprint has happened: now show them the real, dear mother — they won’t recognize her.

For a person who is ready to fall in love, everything happens in a similar way. In a tense state of pre-love, she was looking for «Him» — and «Signs» about him. As soon as the signs happen (the heart beats, confusion of thoughts and feelings), the “valve” opens and the “flood of feelings” starts. The desire-dream is «objectified» and str-r-past love is born.

Signs of love, or can’t you deceive the Heart?

He and she are sitting at the entrance, sipping beer. He told her: “Listen, Yulk, such garbage happened here … In short, damn it, I seem to have a crush on you …” She: “Don’t say, Romka, I have the same canoe …”

Romeo and Juliet today

They say that «you can’t deceive the heart» — well, well … This wise heart is difficult to deceive. And the heart of a young girl who herself wants to be deceived and fall in love will be deceived by anyone who is not lazy.

The first household “indicator” (sign) of love is the rapid beating or “beating” of the heart.

American psychologists conducted a witty experiment «Fake metronome». Young people were told that they were studying their tastes, invited them to look through magazines (usually Playboy) with photos of attractive girls and asked to indicate which images made them feel and which ones left them indifferent. For objectivity, young people also took readings of the galvanic skin reaction and heartbeat, which was output to a loudly ticking metronome. When the heart beat calmly, evenly, the metronome also rapped out in the same way. If suddenly the heart «worried», the metronome also switched to a fast fraction. The subjects did not know one thing: that the metronome was a fake and was not controlled by the beating of their heart, but simply regulated by the experimenter. And if the researcher made the click of the metronome calm, even, the young people looked through the magazines with an indifferent expression on their faces: “No, that’s not right, I don’t like it …” As soon as the experimenter speeded up the ticking of the metronome, the faces brightened up and the young people sighed: “What a woman … Ah!”

• Their hearts didn’t even beat — they only FEEL like their hearts were beating faster, and this provoked tender feelings in them …

It’s simple: the heart beats, responds — it means I love. Silence means no. How one very nice girl from the club convinced me about her feelings for one also very nice young man: “I really love him — when I’m next to him, I don’t understand anything anymore, I can’t say anything, and my heart beats so much … »

• That is, the household indicator of love is as follows: when the head is normal, bright, it works well and everything is fine with health, I am not in love, and if something has become wrong with my mind and with my health, then I have fallen in love …

Another important indicator of love is the strength of attraction, which leads to the disorganization of life. Life is agitated, I can neither eat, nor sleep, nor do business — that means love has come. And if I live normally, humanly, calmly, then it doesn’t exist.

In the further development of this mental illness, called love, additional “signs” play an important role, namely the occurrence of the following illusion experiences:

“This is more important than anything else, and I won’t survive the end of this.” Experience gives permission for idleness and readiness for suffering: “Oh, he doesn’t love me!”:

• Yes, it is nice to suffer, but how much time will you allow yourself to waste on it? There is a simple hard test: “What if the war starts? Will you then do business or continue to suffer? Suffering blooms as long as there is an opportunity to sit back.

— “he is the one and only” (and other variations on the theme “Only once in a life there is a meeting”). Accordingly, prohibitions are born on interest in other worthy people — both now and after, while the «memory of love» is alive.

• Worthy, in my opinion (albeit harsh), the answer to this was given by Bernard Shaw: “Love is a completely unjustified selection of one woman by a man among all the others.”

— «He is not like everyone else and beautiful.» This is a very pleasant illusion, but carries the risk of overestimating expectations.

• At first, it is pleasant to bathe in this illusion. After a while, fatigue is inevitable — both of the one who is fascinated, and especially of the one with whom they are fascinated. Fatigue will be followed by twitching and anger.

— «It’s above me.» The most common everyday “decoding” of this love experience is the complete removal of responsibility. “It’s above me, which means I have nothing to do with it. What do you want from me?» Hence the feeling that now everything is possible: «The only law for a lover is the law of love.»

In this sense, falling in love is a moral permission for an irresponsible relationship with a random person.

• What kind of person — I don’t know, but I take the most serious steps, often break the fate of both him and myself — just because I “love”. That is, only because there is fog in the head and the heart beats somehow unevenly.

Falling in love is a dream (maybe a beautiful dream), but before you fall asleep, make sure you are not in a dirty puddle. What person are you next to?

• Just because you love him doesn’t mean you know him.

One must listen to the «heart», but one must also take into account that

The heart can be fooled

Imagine a market where the commodity is another person who attracts you, and the money is you ramie, your identity. Such peculiar commodity-personal relations. At the same time, of course, everyone wants to sell themselves at a higher price, so that the product (sorry, loved one) gets more worthy.

In order to sell myself at a higher price, I must know what the price is on the market today. Having found out and taken this into account in my appearance and my behavior, I demonstrate my traits and attributes that are in demand — naturally, while hiding those features that are not in demand and the price is reduced for me.

• The girl remembers the value of her physical attractiveness for men and is in a hurry to get married before she loses her presentation. The guy dreams of the time when he will be able to enter this market in his own Zhiguli, or better, in a Mercedes, and on his window there will be a sign “Provided. Own apartment and own business.

He has a sense of humor, sneakers, an imported tape recorder, he knows good jokes and bars. This is on display. But from the view it is concealed that he is lazy, yap, has a belly and has no purpose in life. She has a cottage, a pleasant face and dances well, which will be demonstrated. Bad character and inability to cook will try to hide.

• This is not even a scam, this is the everyday reality of trading.

When we want to please, we tell and show about ourselves not the whole truth and not only the truth. Maybe I don’t like to work and I don’t know how and I have problems with money, but this does not mean at all that I will tell her all this right away. And she, for example, does not like children (at least for now), but she knows that I am not indifferent to them. We walk down the street, she sees a little one — what, will she pass by? Not! “Look how pretty! Wow!» Lying. And so we lie to each other, but as a result we fall in love.

Anyone who wants to please, as a rule, puts on a mask. She bewitches us, but what will happen later, when the family is created, and the mask is dropped?

• And try to talk like this before the wedding: “I have already seen your virtues, and you have already told me, now tell me about your shortcomings…”

The heart can be bribed

One of my friends told me why she got married: “You see, he bribed me with his attention. Every evening he came to visit me with such a bouquet of flowers. Every evening — with such a bouquet!

• Of course, her lover worked: he traded heavily and could afford it! And if I am a poor student and I don’t have the opportunity to squander money, then her heart will be silent?

Of course, not always a woman’s heart requires that banknotes also look behind the signs of attention. Her heart can be «bribed» and just attention, care, beautiful and subtle courtship.

• A man cares, her heart melts.

Yes, let men learn to court, but girls should also take into account that courtship does not last long, as a rule — only until the moment of marriage.

• «I courted you, now you follow me.»

The heart can be captivated, «hooked»

Women have many different secret weapons that make men «light up». I won’t reveal any secret if I give as an example one of the simplest and most banal female tactics —

• Girls, write it down!

The first is to get attention.

No matter what: appearance, interest in him or deliberate coldness; the main thing is that he is interested in you. Actually, most of the girls trained in this skill from early youth. Or from early childhood? The second is to give hope: to show that something “shines” for him, “to open the door a little”.

This is the most difficult and crucial moment — you need to do it so subtly that the man does not suspect anything and «flares up.» To be near… To touch, to snuggle, to laugh with breath, boldly and cheerfully looking into his eyes… Yes? And when it flares up, dreams — slam the door.

This is called «Nose Flick» and is the most enjoyable moment. A pleasant moment for a woman, of course. Next, alternate.

Female coquetry includes these and other such «witty» moves in relationships. And I understand why women behave like this: after all, this is a great way to mock a man, lead him by the nose, and then — on the table! And most importantly, his feelings flare up, his heart beats, and without her he can no longer.

• Of course, she created a neurosis for him, now he will be like an attached one!

The heart can be wrong

It often responds to a person who is bright, cheerful, suitable for company, but does not see the inconspicuous future of a wonderful family man …

The following experiments were carried out. A large group of young men and women were asked to rank a list of personality traits according to what kind of husband a girl would like to have and what kind of wife a young man would like.

Put in the first place what is, say, most important for the husband, in the last place — what is not important for the husband or in general it is harmful for the husband to have. Similarly, young people wrote what, in their opinion, should be expressed in the wife first of all, what — in the second, and what — in the last.

After that, those who have loved ones were asked to evaluate their beloved ones in the same way. It is not difficult to guess that the first list of preferences reflected the choices of the mind, and the second list reflected the choices of the heart. Averaged data (for brevity, only the beginnings and ends of the lists are given, the middle ones are omitted) are presented below:

Husband: honest-fair, smart-smart, knows how to control himself, brave, strong-willed, cheerful-cheerful … energetic-mobile, developed sense of humor, loves to dance, tall, handsome.

Darling: energetic-mobile, cheerful-cheerful, handsome, loves to dance, tall, has a developed sense of humor … smart-smart, honest-fair, strong-willed-brave, hardworking, knows how to control himself.

Wife: honest-fair, cheerful-cheerful, hardworking, knows how to control herself, energetic-mobile … smart-smart, developed sense of humor, strong-willed, beautiful, courageous, loves to dance.

Darling: beautiful, cheerful, cheerful, loves to dance, developed a sense of humor, brave, smart, quick-witted! … hardworking, strong-willed, able to control herself, honest and fair.

Who is the heart leading here? A person with whom it is pleasant to spend time in a cheerful company is not ashamed to appear in front of people, but these are by no means the values ​​of family life!

• Let our mind be more lively and emotional, but let the heart learn to be wise.

Usually, successfully deceived and deceived, we experience an acute feeling of happiness (or love anguish), but are invariably satisfied with the right to surrender to the sweet slavery of love-love. And the stronger the madness, the more we are drawn to formalize our relations in state organizations.

This is a gamble: one love will not create a family. Love will pass and go — as a rule, this happens, and people who are already connected by family ties will remain.

What to do?

How to deal with love? Love must be treated wonderfully: it means that you are still alive, that the soul is still alive and the body wants. But focusing on falling in love in creating a family is not worth it, unless, of course, you are interested not only in the immediate joys, but also in more long-term consequences.

Do not make responsible decisions when you are passionately in love and “You can give everything for this!”. Nobody forbids you to love, but for responsible decisions — family, children, fate — you need a good head.

It could be your head if you can rely on it, and it could be other smart people. Indeed, it is always useful to introduce your chosen one (your chosen one) to a good friend, talk to smart people, talk about your relationship.

Once upon a time, I was very much in love, but the relationship was difficult. He hesitated, thought: get married, no? Briefly, on occasion, he spoke about his question and our relationship to a wonderful psychologist, Anatoly Borisovich Dobrovich. As a wise man, he didn’t tell me anything. But he looked at me in such a way that I thanked him: I understood that he thought about it. I didn’t make that mistake. Of course, it would be nice to know with whom to consult on such issues, and with whom it is better not to. Some mothers will advise this, which will be even worse than their own … There are no guarantees that a couple who has happily lived together for many years will tell you something unmistakably, but at least listen less to those who do not know how to live in a family.

• Even more precisely: if a person himself is without a family, and you feel anger from him, hear a lot of negativity, then you don’t need hints from this source. And if a person is calm, wise, benevolent, successful in life, listen to him.

Your decision will still be yours. And there is a difficult, but life-suffering rule: if you quarreled, but even in the most cruel quarrel you know that you want to live with this person anyway, then this is your person. It means that your decision is not based on emotions, but something more serious.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE HEART IS WRONG AND LOVE IS A BAD ASSISTANT IN CREATING A FAMILY

THE MOST CORRECT PERSONAL DECISION ABOUT CREATING A FAMILY IS NOT AT THE PEAK OF FEELINGS IN LOVE, BUT DESPITE A DIFFICULT quarrel

Youth passes. And love?

Our life is a cocktail, the recipe of which we are destined to change indefinitely: five-tenths of love, three-tenths of illusions, two-tenths of a disregard. With age, it is necessary to greatly increase the dose of disregard for the expense of illusions and love.

Personal opinion of Edward Erris

With age, attitudes towards love change. Other values ​​are already coming to the fore, but the value of love, no, does not disappear at all, but decreases. Public opinion also makes its contribution: for some reason it is traditionally believed that all these “love, feelings, poetry” are the lot of young people, and adults, serious people are no longer fond of love. What is love at your age? Falling in love is no longer appropriate. As silly as it sounds, it works for a lot of people. But even regardless of public opinion, a serious problem for older people is a decrease in the ability to love. Just as it was hard not to fall in love at eighteen, so it is hard to fall in love at thirty-eight. This is precisely the main or most traditional problem of elderly and non-family people. Yes, the circle of possible acquaintances is sharply narrowing, but the root of the problem turns out to be different. Even if he sees a lot of decent people — no, he finds fault with everyone: this is not one thing, but this is another, and there is no one «suitable» for him.

• There is a lot behind this: a load of disappointments, after which it is scary to get carried away (suddenly a break again?); overestimated level of claims — we are afraid to sell too cheap; fatigue of the soul — there is nothing to love, but the result is always the same: the heart is silent.

This becomes an obstacle in the way of many good potential couples: two good people meet, and the heart does not flutter when they meet, and something elusive, some invisible charm disappears from the relationship. No trembling — and no desire to fall into the arms. Good, but I don’t like it. And if I don’t like it, it’s not destiny.

As a rule, the problem of “finding a loved one” is to a greater extent a problem not of the beloved, who still does not appear, but of the one who is looking for this beloved: the problem is in his inability to love, in the inability to fill his heart, soul with love and distribute it from the bottom of his heart .

• If my soul is overflowing with joy, love, it finds everything interesting and is ready to help anyone. She is ready to pour tenderness even on an inanimate object: an ordinary cup can enchant me and cause a stream of exciting experiences, looks and confessions.

Try to feel and express your love for the first object in front of you! Happy (talented in love) people will succeed.

But if you can be so fascinated by an inanimate object, then it is understandable that a good person you know will give you more opportunities for this. He will most likely support you and reciprocate.

• For the sake of justice, however, it must be noted that some people are more difficult to love than inanimate objects: objects do not prevent us from loving them, and such people actively repel both us and our love. As a rule, they refuse to love themselves, so they are very unhappy.

But there is another reason that prevents the heart from responding and falling in love.

Don’t look for a better product

Two people fall in love if they find that they have chosen the best item on the market, given their limited means of exchange.

E. Fromm

I can’t marry S.S. A long time friend of our family. He was already married and divorced a long time ago. Today, the family is again in his plans, he wants to get married, his notebook has long swelled with female names and phone numbers, he has a huge choice of applicants, but … “You know, I still haven’t met her. I must love.» I don’t believe him. I don’t trust men who can’t find girls who would suit them for family life.

It may well be understandable if a man is not interested in a girl as a possible contender for his wife. It is quite understandable if he does not like any of the two, three or four … But if he cannot be interested in any of, say, forty, provided that all the girls are not freaks either physically or morally, then, apparently, the reason the lack of reaction lies not in the «unsuccessful» girls, but in the psychological problems of the man.

• A man can not — or is afraid? — to see among them your happy fate.

Let’s do a thought experiment: all of a sudden there are only forty-one people left on the globe — you and these forty girls. All the others are gone forever. Tell me, sooner or later one of these forty will interest you, will you like it?

• The experiment would be even more revealing if you did not see any girls at all, except for these forty. Then, if you are without pronounced mental abnormalities, among them there will definitely be one that you will not only like, but also deprive you of sleep and peace … Yes or no?

So, next to you, it turns out, there is a person who can make you happy and whom you can make happy. But you bypass it, because you can’t help but think, “what if I meet you even more beautiful, more fun and more accommodating?”, because you hope that a new, even more successful batch of goods will be brought to the marriage market … But no matter how much they bring , you can always assume that this one is not the best.

Stop haggling and fall in love.

Dear youth! A big request — scroll through the next page without reading: it is not for you.

Page not for young people

— Dear Nikolai Ivanovich, what is the basis of your family?

The basis of my family is our Family Constitution with my wife.

Hmm …

Whether there is love or not, «real» love or not — this is not important for creating a family. It is important what kind of people they are, whether they are suitable for each other, how they relate to each other and to the family.

Naturally, young people who read this page anyway (naturally) cannot agree with this. How? Satisfied with a family without love?! Never! «Love! Love!»

This is a misunderstanding. Although I know many who will agree to a strong and good family without particularly passionate experiences between spouses, I confess that a family without love does not attract me personally.

It’s about something else: it’s not what you start with, it’s important what kind of family you build. It is necessary to build a family in which spouses are connected by many things, including love; But is it necessary to start with love?

Let’s think together. Once again, let’s return to the traditional «Love Story» — «Love Story». Two people met, fell in love, got married. Six months have passed — love has passed. But you yourself know, if they are smart, they will love each other again. Yes, already without violence, but with warmth and tenderness. Without passionate confessions, but with gratitude and respect.

Everyone knows it’s real. But if you can create love when it is NOT ALREADY, then why not do it while it is NOT YET? Love is not a mystical miracle that falls on us and nothing can be done about it, but a phenomenon that has its own laws and which can be controlled. Love must be earned. It will come to you as a creation of your hands and hearts, as a natural result of the relationships you have built. Perhaps it will be a little different, not as violent, bright and crazy as romantic love, but more calm, bright and transparent.

• How to call her? Humanistic? Honest? Family?

Romantic love, or love-passion, overtakes us suddenly, unexpectedly, like an obsession that has come to us and exists above us against our will and reasonable reasons. This is jump love. Was not — appeared. Humanistic, or honest, love is a logical outcome of well-built relationships, and as relationships gradually develop, this feeling gradually arises behind them. People (people, not two green crocodiles) get closer and open up to each other… Guess what will happen next?

• When two embers come close, they warm each other.

With enough power, a flame erupts between them. Love-passion is born from scratch, without soil underfoot. She, impatiently demanding -relationships, is ahead of them. Honest love follows relationships, being their consequence. Relationships are its basis, and not a mystical insight, as in love-passion.

Happy family relationships should not be based on love, but on the basis of their construction on a reasonable basis! They should suit you so much, give you so much warmth and joy that you no longer need love awe.

• For who has a guarantee that even if not for a long time, but love will not leave you?

And when you build such a wonderful relationship, it will no longer be a shame to invite love on their solid foundation: it will sanctify and enchant your relationship. Love should be invited into the family as a dear guest, and not used for ongoing repairs of constantly falling apart relationships, as is the case in ordinary families.

Invite love. If you deserve it, it will come. Look not for love, but for a person: suitable for you and suitable for the family. And if the soul is alive, open it, give yourself permission to love — and love will come to you. If you have enough mental reserves to love a child, you can love your husband all the more.

What I wish you.