Why do we yell at children? Why do parents sometimes piss us off so much? And why are we much easier to show aggression with close people? We deal with the sources of irritation.
Often I see a scene on the street that baffles me, that is, does not give any room for imagination. A young mother walks next to a son or daughter of five, six, eight years old. Every second she yells at him, pulling his arm, his collar, sometimes his hair.
The child smiles tensely (it seems impudent to the mother), then frowns, then cries. He obviously does not understand what irritates his mother in him. The main thing is that she herself does not understand this, because anything can be the cause of irritation.
Three steps behind — why are you weaving? I ran ahead — how many times I told you: walk beside me. He looked into the urn, picked up the glass — do not go into the dirt. I smeared my mouth with ice cream — you will never see ice cream again. Etc.
But the relationship with the child is only one of the cases. One way or another, everyone experiences irritation. Honesty Quiz: Do you ever get irritated? What, however, is the nature of this state? Few people think.
The most correct explanation of this problem was given, in my opinion, by the remarkable philosopher of pedagogy Simon Soloveichik: “If a tiger comes on your path in the jungle, you can experience any feelings — from mortal fear to a surge of courage — anything but irritation. Tigers are not annoying. They cause stress.
But if you come home tired from work, and a three-year-old boy does not stop beating a dull drum, you experience irritation.
Stress is a negative reaction to what is stronger than us.
Irritation is a negative reaction to something that is weaker than us.
An annoyed person always feels right, that’s the trouble. Irritability is a disease of people who are always and in everything right.
That, in fact, is all. It’s hard to argue with that. It is only strange that this simple idea has not crossed my mind until now.
Soloveichik shows that irritation is a reaction to something weak or equal in strength, that this is the most petty of our feelings, which sometimes indicates a secret pettiness of character.
An irritated person always behaves below his own standards of behavior. Stress dulls some feelings, exacerbates others, irritation impoverishes all human emotions.
Another consideration, which explains, in particular, why we are so indulgent about this state: “Irritation is like anger, but it is almost always unrighteous anger. And in other human feelings there is little common sense, and rage is blind, and love is stupid; feelings and common sense lie in different, only occasionally intersecting planes.
But an irritated person always feels right, that’s the trouble. Irritability is a disease of people who are always right in everything.
The main thing, perhaps, is that if it is impossible or very difficult to avoid stress by volitional effort, then irritation is not at all an obligatory state. It is the result of debauchery. We allow ourselves a squeamish intonation or an inflexible tone.
We feel unpunished. And in vain. As soon as the child grows up, this irritation will be adopted by him as the norm of communication and directed primarily at us. In communication with other people, I have no doubt that the same thing will happen, it is only necessary to change the situation, which will put you in a more dependent and weak position.
If the child is annoying, this should be seen as a signal of an impending disaster.
In addition, a person has to bifurcate. In relation to subordinates, it is possible to show irritation for some time, but the irritated one, most likely, has his own boss, and, for example, also irritated.
If irritation is in principle permissible, then the humiliation that comes from it must be recognized as the norm. And if one of the subordinates suddenly becomes your boss?
In the situation with the child and in general everything is clear. Whatever the parent says or does, against the background of irritation, the son or daughter will resist. If the child is annoying, this should be seen as a signal of an approaching disaster.
“When you understand,” writes Soloveichik, “irritability has a special place among our other feelings, you will understand that you can be angry with a child, you can be upset, you can be angry, you can be angry — everything is not harmful. But you can’t show a surrogate feeling of petty irritation.”