On the brink of divorce

Scandals, irritation, betrayal, coldness, boredom – the symptoms may be different, but the essence is the same: the relationship in a couple is on the verge. Of course, we experience this situation as something unique, but in fact it is not exceptional at all.

“A rare couple can do without crises,” states family therapist Lucy Mikaelyan. – Most often they are associated with some kind of change in life: the appearance of a child, the first or second, moving, illness of one of the family members, loss of work. Almost inevitably, a crisis occurs when grown-up children leave the house and parents are left alone. We can say that the crisis is normal.”

And yet, when emotions overwhelm us, we are completely lost and do not know what to do. Will our union be able to survive and what can be done to achieve this?

1. Review

First of all, you need to understand your own intentions – do we want to return to our former closeness or are we looking for an excuse to leave? “It’s worth asking yourself: does my partner give me something that I can’t imagine life without? – says family psychotherapist Natalya Olifirovich. – Is there something in our relationship that I consider unique for myself?

Sometimes I ask clients a provocative question: imagine that you wake up tomorrow and find out that your partner has left and you will never see him again – how would your life be different? What would be better, what would be worse, what would you feel like a big loss? Fantasies on this topic allow us to feel the scale of a person in our life.

In addition, you need to understand what the couple is holding on to, what kind of “glue” holds the partners together. “Before focusing on what is bad, it is important to look at what is good in this union,” continues Natalia Olifirovich. – The answer “we are together for the sake of children” does not fit.

The question is how partners are attractive to each other. Do they have good sex? Do they enjoy the common cause? Do they have a close circle in which they feel comfortable exactly as a couple? Great, that’s something you can build on to work on relationships.”

2. Choose Your Advisors Carefully

We tend to turn to loved ones for support in difficult times. “We are looking for guidelines outside. And at the same time, we unconsciously want to share responsibility for our decisions with someone,” Lucy Mikaelyan reflects. But can other people’s opinions or advice help us?

“When we feel bad, we are prone to “tunnel” vision, in any action of a partner, evil intent seems to be,” says Natalya Olifirovich. “But it is dangerous: after all, if you look into the tunnel for a long time, one day a train may appear from it and crush you. A friend or relative is able to help us look at things more broadly, to see that the situation is not so hopeless. And we will feel relieved.”

But the adviser must take a neutral position. And this is still a rarity: more often friends or relatives are interested persons. “We were not going to have a baby,” says 32-year-old Julia. – My unplanned pregnancy turned our lives upside down, my husband simply disappeared from the house and did not make himself felt. My best friends tried to support me. One persuaded to have an abortion, the second – to leave her husband. Everyone wanted the best for me. Fortunately, I decided to give birth.

“My clients often say that advice is not useful for them,” confirms Lucy Mikaelyan. Friends come from their own experience. It rather confuses us. The solution can only be found within the pair.”

3. Talk about your feelings

To start reconnecting, you need to create a safe conversation environment. Basic principles: talk about yourself, about your feelings, without giving assessments to your partner. But, of course, this only makes sense when he is ready to listen to us, and we are ready to listen to him.

Not everyone understands why these explanations are needed. We often start from the premise that a loving person should already understand everything. There can be no two opinions – we argue. But this is a delusion that becomes especially evident in a difficult period.

“A crisis is also a challenge to beliefs,” says Lucy Mikaelyan. We know so well what is right and what is wrong. And suddenly it turns out that the partner thinks differently!” This discovery is very painful, and the question is what to do with it.

“We can turn away and even break up with a partner. And we can admit that he looks at things differently, not because he is stupid or undeveloped, but simply, in principle, a different view of what seemed obvious to us is possible, continues Lucy Mikaelyan. “After all, any installation is still a simplification; it never describes life in its entirety.”

Accepting this and broadening your vision will require flexibility. Or the help of a psychologist. “A family therapist confirms to each of the spouses the right to their own point of view,” says Natalia Olifirovich. – And at the same time shows him how the partner sees the situation.

When a person looks at the world through the eyes of another, a different picture opens up to him. It turns out that it is not only bad for him alone, but for both of them. Many of their actions are dictated by love, but at the same time they can accidentally hurt each other. When we begin to see someone else’s pain behind our own, sympathy awakens. “And when there is sympathy, constructiveness appears,” emphasizes Lucy Mikaelyan.

4. Refrain from reproaches

“Our conversations turned into an endless exchange of reproaches,” recalls 33-year-old Valery. “It was no longer possible to bear it, and I decided to live separately.” We really want to get through to the partner so that he finally sees that he is wrong, that his behavior is unacceptable, that he needs to change. But what happens when we present our claims to another?

“He hears one thing: you are bad,” explains Lucy Mikaelian. “It’s hard to hear that from a loved one. The partner does not feel safe and begins to defend himself – defending himself or attacking in response. All his strength is spent on defense, and not on understanding us and clearly conveying his position.

The purpose of this conversation is to defend yourself. Blaming, keeping silent, waiting for the partner to understand everything himself – this is something from a set of military tactics, and not from peaceful construction.

The very intention to change a partner is also unconstructive, adds Natalia Olifirovich. “The paradox is that when we try to change ourselves or another person, change does not occur. They only happen when we understand and accept ourselves or others.”

5. Deal with the past

The crisis in relationships forces us to come into contact with childhood traumas again, to face the pain that seemed long forgotten. “Sometimes a spouse plays the role of a savior for us,” explains Lucy Mikaelyan. – If in childhood our parents did not understand, humiliated us, then we are looking for a partner who will heal from these wounds. Marriage seems to give a second chance. But then we feel that pain again. However, now we can not run away, but live what was not lived. This gives a chance for internal growth.”

This is how a crisis removes illusions: it shows us that the partner can no longer occupy this place – either because he has already played his role, or because we saw him as he is.

29-year-old Varvara, having broken with her husband, felt as if she had abandoned the “man of her life” and, in his face, from the father she had never known. “I was hoping to sort it out with psychotherapy,” she admits. “The crisis in our couple showed me that I was still at the mercy of childhood trauma.”

We can also see that relationship problems have their origins in the family history of each of us. “After all, it is an illusion that we are marrying one person,” says Natalia Olifirovich. – In fact, this is a relationship with his entire family, because he carries a particle of each of them, including the grandparents. All this round dance will be present in our life.

And conflicts between partners are very often explained by too different family contexts: individual, social, cultural … “During therapy, we discuss the rules by which the life of partners in parental families was built, and sometimes we have to revise and re-negotiate agreements on the “rights and obligations of the parties” , – adds Natalya Olifirovich.

6. Compose a new dance

The founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, Sue Johnson, suggests metaphorically viewing love relationships as the couple’s unique dance, and partners’ emotions as music to it.

“We explore together with clients what kind of dance they perform,” says Natalya Olifirovich. “Maybe it’s a sword dance?” Or does everyone have their own solo at different ends of the stage? Why does the partner manage to step on her partner’s foot with her heel every now and then? Why does he, instead of supporting her, let her fall? When this drawing is revealed to them, we begin to think of ways to dance differently, bringing joy and pleasure to each other and reducing the number of such steps that are painful for partners.

A crisis is a zone of risk, but at the same time a zone of growth. If we can overcome it, come to a more open relationship, our couple will become much more stable.

“This is called a secure attachment – ​​that is, such a connection in which I can be with another and be myself at the same time,” says Lucy Mikaelyan. – The consciousness that there is a close person who understands, accepts and will be there, no matter what happens, makes us more confident. And happy, of course. When we live with the feeling: “If I’m with you – I can handle anything,” this gives tremendous strength.