Life constantly throws up reasons for envy. There is always someone nearby who has more expensive shoes, brighter lipstick, better job, richer lover. There is no limit to this, comparisons accompany us through life. But is it so bad to be jealous? Psychologist Elena Lyunina suggests looking at envy as an assistant and a source of achievement.
Envy is a feeling that absolutely everyone experiences. A girl with straight hair envies her friend’s curls, an insecure lady — a confident one, a lonely lady — a married one. It’s just that some are aware of their envy, while for others it is hidden deep in the unconscious, so it seems that it is not felt. But everyone is jealous, the only question is the degree of influence of this feeling.
Perhaps I will surprise you — envy is given to us by nature, which, as you know, is perfect. There is nothing superfluous in it. This means that even this feeling has a certain benefit. Let’s figure out which one, how to detect it and make it an ally.
Envy arises when you compare yourself to others. This is done unconsciously when a person experiences dissatisfaction in attention, love, income, and so on. If, when compared, in some way he feels himself inferior to another, envy arises, and with it a clear hostility towards a more successful individual. Someone else’s success seems to be proof of their own inferiority. Jealousy and envy go very close for reasons and similarities of experiences. You envy your rival, since she received male attention, and not you.
Envy is just an emotion, not good or bad in itself.
What happens in the moment of envy? You are overcome by a powerful feeling of disappointment and injustice. An important process is taking place in the psyche, an unconscious choice of how to act: to use envy as a constructive manifestation for one’s own development or as a destructive one, for one’s own destruction. For a clearer understanding of this point, it should be noted that envy «lives» on three levels:
- In consciousness — when a person through comparison realizes his flawed position;
- In emotions — realizing his lower position, begins to experience irritation, anger or even rage;
- In embodiment in reality — when a person takes constructive or destructive actions out of a state of envy.
To use it for your own good, it is important to learn how to manage the third level — actions in a state of envy. After all, envy is just an emotion, in itself it is not good, not bad. It remains neutral until we start making something out of it, either good or bad.
What do we usually do when we feel envious? There are several basic patterns of behavior.
- Bring down from Olympus the one we envy. Thus, reduce the feeling of one’s own inferiority against its background.
- Engage in self-flagellation because we do not have something, but the other has. And to think how poor, unhappy we are, and how our life failed.
- Exhaust yourself trying to achieve what you want, and then be disappointed. Since in fact it may turn out that we did not need it at all.
- Engage in self-improvement and self-development and grow yourself to the level or even higher than the one we envy (unless, of course, we really need the object of envy).
As you probably already understood, the first three options are a destructive manifestation of envy. The latter is creative, constructive. Here a fair question may arise: on the basis of what does the psyche choose this or that option of action?
The choice depends on the degree of awareness and strength of our ego (inner «I»), which are formed as a result of early experience of parent-child relationships. If this period was traumatic for the psyche and the ego was formed weak, then the psyche can “choose” a destructive path. This is the case when the envious person is covered by a lot of negative experiences, and he cannot do anything about it. Or he does something, but to the detriment of himself.
The most effective way to cope with the destructive manifestation is psychotherapy. A specialist will help to see weaknesses, support on the path to awareness, help in strengthening the ego. This will promote personal growth.
Now let’s talk about the positive side of envy. The idea to grow oneself to the one I envy is based on a healthy perception of oneself, another and the world as a whole. When you find yourself envying, say to yourself: “Now I feel injustice. I’m in pain and hard. I’m going through difficult emotions.» The fact of acknowledging your experiences is a significant moment that allows you not to fall into suffering.
Beneath envy at the deepest level always lies some kind of fear
What’s next? Redirect the focus of attention and energy from the object of envy and self-flagellation into a constructive direction. Ask yourself the question: “Do I really want to have what I envy? Is this true desire? If the answer is yes, move on to action. Ask yourself the following question: “What do I need and what can I do to get what I want?” Where has the energy gone now? That’s right, in the direction that you have what you want.
This principle works here: when questions are asked, the search for answers begins. At first, the simplest and even banal thoughts come up. Don’t stop, dig deep.
In my work, I use this technique to find the true cause of envy in clients. One such example:
What exactly are you jealous of? I ask.
A friend has two children. I’m 36 and still don’t have children,” the client replies.
Why do you think you don’t have children?
Because I don’t have a husband.
What’s stopping you from getting married?
— Self-doubt.
What exactly are you not sure about? What is behind this?
— Fear…
— Which one?
— I’m afraid of being abandoned.
This is how this process looks in a therapeutic relationship — in working with clients, I find the basis of the feeling of envy and work with it already. As a rule, under envy at the deepest level there is always some kind of fear. As soon as this fear is discovered, realized and worked out, envy goes away.
For independent work, I recommend writing a chain of 10-20 answers to the questions: “What do I envy?” and “Why is this still not in my life?”. First, the brain out of habit gives out the most obvious options. But more interesting and even sometimes unexpected solutions and interpretations emerge. At the end of the chain, as a rule, the main cause of envy is revealed, which should be worked out on your own or in a pair with a psychologist.