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What is femininity and sexuality in a world where many no longer want to follow the old stereotypes? Our heroines, who hold opposing views on relationships, reflect on this. Their conversation is commented on by a psychologist.
“By demonstrating to men that they do not decide anything, we make them infantile”
Olga, 32, florist:
“The concept of femininity today is blurred, and this largely argues with male expectations and natural instincts, which no one has canceled. Even the very desire to please a man seems to be called into question.
I think that women in the struggle for their rights simply substitute concepts. I will never agree that the relationship between a man and a woman is a union of completely equal partners. Yes, we have equal legal and social rights, but a man wants to see his opposite side by side. The one that is ready to show femininity and sexuality.
Why have we become afraid of these words like fire? Relationships in a couple are built largely on sex. Therefore, being in shape even at home is really important. And yes, it’s a lot of work. Although today we will be assured that it is important to be natural. At the same time, no matter what a man tells you, no matter how he promises to love in any state, he loves with his eyes.
So no need to relax. No old, lived, cozy things for the house. Even home clothes should evoke desire.”
«The new sexuality is independence and financial freedom»
Marina, 34 years old, entrepreneur
“Why constantly play someone else’s role? I will not walk around the house in uncomfortable but sexy clothes. It is languid to look at him from under extended eyelashes. And I certainly will not go to the gym to create an hourglass figure just because a man likes it. I’m all for being healthy, but let’s always be ourselves.
It amazes me how many women strive to become more feminine, and for this they do not even feel sorry for the money for popular courses. I would like to ask — why? We are not men after all. It is ridiculous in the XNUMXst century to think in terms of the XNUMXth century: how to make his heart melt? How to look at it? What to say?
When I hear that someone wants to be a gentle, weak woman, but life does not allow, the question arises — what is behind this stamp?
Why do you dream of being weak, and therefore dependent, and what are the benefits?
I believe that the sexual quality for a woman today is just her independence and financial freedom. No one needs another person to hang on to us as a burden and wait for the solution of all problems. Frivolous fools are no longer in vogue. Men want to see an educated, self-confident woman. She gives her partner a feeling of solid ground under her feet. And it is important for me to like myself first of all.
It is ridiculous to equate femininity and indecision, the inability to think with one’s own head. I see that men also appreciate those who know how to make decisions. They don’t ask, «Tell me, do you love me? Or do you not love?”, “Do you think I should go to work?” I don’t understand why women shift responsibility for their lives.”
Olga:
“I absolutely agree with the fact that you need to be independent under all circumstances, even with the most caring man. As soon as we begin to dissolve in him, that which is why he chose us leaves the relationship. A man is a hunter by nature, and even in a permanent relationship he must continue to seek a woman and be interested in her.
If a man says: stay at home, I will provide for you (and thus control), this will turn into a trap that will lead to the fact that you become uninteresting to him. A partner is an addition to your cool life. However, why not be more compliant in some matters, or at least pretend that his opinion is important to you?
Why, while playing independence, defiantly make it clear to him that he does not decide anything here? And then we wonder why men do not want to take responsibility and become more and more infantile. Why not show that he makes a decision? Call it female cunning. Or wisdom. This does not mean at all that I will run to do what he thinks is right.”
Marina:
“What happens next when you get tired of pretending? Most likely another divorce. So why study what you don’t have? All these manipulations to keep someone are meaningless. And like any manipulation, they are similar to trading: I will give you this, you will give me that, and then we will figure it out. I would like to say to such women — wake up. The concept of femininity today has changed.”
“It is important that we do not substitute one “correct” for another”
Anna Sinitsyna, Gestalt therapist:
“Today we are seeing an important change in society — people have much more choice in how they build their lives. And this reveals the division of positions, which manifested itself in the dialogue of the heroines.
Olga relies on views that, from her point of view, have been tested by time and experience. This is a biological approach, focused on a traditional society, where women did not have enough opportunities to realize their interests and were dependent on men and families.
This stereotype is still very strong and affects many of us.
If a woman really loves doing housework, then there is nothing wrong with the traditional model. Problems begin if she clings to tradition because she is afraid of being rejected. She tries to be what is expected of her, but the traditional model does not correspond to her deepest needs.
Judging by the fact that Olga talks more about the fact that it is easy to lose the love and sympathy of men, we are most likely dealing with a similar case. Such women are not very good at listening to themselves and their desires if they do not correspond to the stereotypes that traditional society broadcasts.
However, we are not always in shape, we are sexually attracted, or we agree with something our partner says. And for these women, such moments are dangerous, as they threaten relationships. At the same time, men look in their eyes as rather monotonous creatures: they can easily fall out of love, live by instincts, they can be deceived.
Another part of women tends to run away from traditions. They want to be independent, to please themselves, not others. Which, it would seem, sounds good, but there is a “but”. Our second heroine, Elena, devalues women who do not share her views, calls them weak. In many ways, she equates tenderness with weakness, the desire for support and support with infantilism. And we see the other extreme.
Yes, the heroine has more choice, but this choice negates important human qualities.
Being gentle is an integral part of a relationship, regardless of who shows this tenderness: a man or a woman. Women who deny this in themselves sooner or later find themselves in deep loneliness, since it is very scary for them to feel dependent on another in some way.
The new ethics of the modern world is not that one «correct» changes to another. Rather, diversity enables every woman to seek and realize that form of femininity and sexuality that is close to her and corresponds to her characteristics.
Men also now have the opportunity to be as masculine as it suits them. After all, masculinity is not only “I came, I saw, I conquered”, just like femininity is not only “submission, weakness, acting”.