It is believed that those who have hurt us must be forgiven at all costs. Sayings like “They carry water on the offended” make you ashamed of your experiences. We already feel hurt, and at the same time it seems that we are expected to act contrary to our feelings.
Who and why demands that we forgive offenders? Firstly, it is necessary for those who surround us, because “an offended person in itself is not very pleasant to others. He is immersed in his experiences, does not talk to those who hurt him. It is difficult to work or live with him, ”says psychologist Sofya Shokotko.
Secondly, the message contains the voice of those who experienced resentment before us, remembers how it poisoned their lives, and is now trying to save us from suffering. “However, feelings are given for a reason, they orient us in the world around us,” recalls the psychologist. “By ignoring our experiences, we leave ourselves without care.”
Resentment is a signal that we are being treated wrong. But more often than not, it takes time to figure out what happened, what damage has been done. “It is worth paying attention to your feelings: what are they? the psychologist suggests. “Perhaps we are lonely, afraid to be near the one who caused the pain. By giving names to experiences, we can decide how to proceed and what we want from the offender as compensation.
We will soon be freed from the burden of resentment if we can identify our position
Do we need a public apology or redress? Or do we no longer want to see the one who has acted unjustly?
We will soon be freed from the burden of resentment if we can identify our position. It can be difficult to address the offender directly. If we acknowledge our feelings, if we are supported by loved ones, we have the resources for such a step. “Even if the one who made us suffer does not do what we demand of him, it will become easier for us,” Sofya Shokotko is sure.
The reference to the need to forgive is sometimes used as an argument when another asks for forgiveness, and we are unable to say: «I no longer resent you.» If another haunts us with apologies, it means that he is scared, explains the psychologist. He is afraid that he did something irreparable, that the relationship is destroyed, and is trying to fix the situation.
When we are persistently asked for something that we cannot or are not ready to give, it is hard. On the other hand, someone who repents is usually easier to forgive. “If someone else’s persistence is annoying, we can ask the offender to give us time, thanking him for asking for forgiveness,” says the psychologist.
Over time, the opportunity to forgive an offense can open the way to inner freedom.
We forgive an offense when we stop presenting an account to another within ourselves. We seem to say: “You don’t owe me anything now. I figured everything out and I don’t want to suffer anymore from what happened. I let go of the situation like a bird out of my hands.
For many, forgiveness means reconnecting and communicating as if nothing happened. But this is not necessarily the case. We have the right to terminate the relationship. Perhaps this is the step we need to mentally free ourselves and forgive the other. By doing this, we can put the energy that we used to spend on endless dialogues with an imaginary interlocutor into creativity, work, and meaningful relationships.
Mental wounds, like bodily wounds, do not heal instantly. And we are unlikely to be able to forgive at a time when the pain is still fresh. But over time, the opportunity to forgive an offense can open the way to inner freedom. We are ready to live, love, seek again.