Oedipus: my daughter only has it for her daddy!

The daughter and father relationship

Daddy, daddy, daddy… Lucie, 4 years old, has nothing left but for her daddy. For a few months now, she has displayed a superb indifference towards her mother. Only her daddy finds favor in her eyes. With him, she does tons of it: glances, flirtatious smiles … She deigns to dine only if it is he who sits her down at the table and ties her napkin. And she proclaims it loud and clear: it is with him that she will marry. And while Jade, 3, asks her daddy to get dressed in the morning and at night for the cuddly bedtime, Emma, ​​5, for her part, tries every night to nestle between her parents in the marital bed. And Laïs, 6 years old, repeats at will “Say papa, do you love me more than mom?” “

Oedipus or Electra complex what definition? What do you call a girl in love with her father?

But what’s wrong with them? Nothing but very banal: they cross the period of the Oedipus complex. Inspired by the character from Greek mythology who killed his father and married his mother, this concept from an ancient myth refers to the period in which the child experiences unconditional love for the parent of the opposite sex, and a feeling of jealousy towards the parent of the same sex. In the case where the Oedipus complex is located in a father / daughter relationship, it is also called the Electra complex.

https://www.parents.fr/enfant/psycho/le-caractere-de-mon-enfant/comment-votre-enfant-affirme-sa-personnalite-78117

Meaning: Why do little girls prefer their father?

No need to dramatize. Between the ages of 2 and 6, the Electra complex is a completely normal phase of development and psychic behavior. “At the start of her life, the little girl maintains a close relationship with her mother. But little by little, she will open up to the world and understand that there is, like her father, another sex for which she will then develop a real curiosity “, Explains psychologist Michèle Gaubert, author of“ La Fille de son père ”, ed. of Man.

From the age of 3, the girl asserts her sexual identity. His role model is his mother. She identifies with her until she wants to take her place. So seduce his father. She then sees her mother as a rival and tries to push her aside, sometimes violently. But at the same time, she still loves him so much and feels guilty about his aggressive emotions. All children aged 3 to 6 go through this stormy phase. Little boys play brawl with their daddy and hug their mom. The little girls multiply the maneuvers of seduction vis-à-vis their dad. From the ambivalence of their feelings arises a disturbance, a confusion that only the parents, by their firm but understanding attitude, will be able to evacuate.

Oedipus crisis in the little girl: the role of the father is decisive

“In general, the father feels rather flattered to be put on the front of the scene”, notes Alain Braconnier, psychiatrist and psychologist at the Center Philippe Paumelle, in Paris. “But if he does not set limits, his little girl may believe that his desires are achievable, and continue his attempts at seduction. ” Hence the importance of putting it in its place and show her that the couple exists outside of her. We do not hesitate to reframe it, without scolding it or making it feel guilty of course. “By pushing her away severely, you risk making her unhappy and preventing her, as an adult, from approaching the masculine,” warns the psychiatrist. The image she will have of herself, of her femininity and of her future power of seduction depends on the admiring gaze and the compliments her father sends her. But above all, we do not play his game, we do not let him believe by our attitude that we could be seduced on a register reserved for adults.

How to manage the oedipal relationship: the relationship of rivalry between mother and daughter

Our daughter is ignoring us royally? Difficult for a mother to accept. “In an Electra complex, the mother often tends, during this period, to feel excluded », Remarks Alain Braconnier. There is no question of erasing us. “To develop harmoniously, the child needs to evolve in a triangular relationship”, underlines the psychiatrist. To rebalance, we think of sparing ourselves special moments, alone with her. It will help him identify with us in other areas. We also remember that our little “rival” is just a child, ours, who loves us and relies on us to guide her. So we don’t ridicule her, we don’t laugh at her clumsy efforts to please her father. But we reassure her, while remaining firm: “Me too, when I was your age, I dreamed of marrying my daddy. But that is not possible. When I became a woman, I met your father, we fell in love and that’s how you were born. “

Mom side

His glances at his father annoy us? Above all, we avoid entering into rivalry. He is gently reminded that his father does not belong to him. But we continue to be loving… and patient. Oedipus will soon be a distant memory.

Oedipus complex: and during a divorce

During this sensitive period, “in the event of separation of the parents, it is necessary to avoid at all costs that the father or the mother who has custody lives only for the child and forms a“ small couple ”with him. It is good that the little boy and the little girl are in regular contact with a third party – a friend, an uncle – to break the fusional relationship. Otherwise, it risks creating a lack of autonomy on both sides. »Concludes psychologist Michèle Gaubert.