At the beginning of the twentieth century, Freud considered the suppression of forbidden erotic impulses to be the main cause of all neurotic diseases. Later, he revised his views, but the idea has become so firmly established in the mass consciousness that it still requires explanation. Psychoanalyst Irina Sizikova tells who can be harmed by such an attitude.
At the age of 3-5 years, each of us, to varying degrees, overcomes the oedipal conflict. Its essence is that a child who experiences an unconscious sexual attraction to a parent of the opposite sex finally suppresses incestuous erotic desires and begins to associate himself with the parent of his own sex.
According to Freud, the successful resolution of the oedipal complex is considered key to a person’s mental health. But it happens that as a result of the suppression of these sexual impulses, the prohibition extends to all manifestations of sexuality in general, and then an adult person, in order to become free and gain the opportunity to experience sexual pleasure, needs to resolve oedipal problems, deal with the prohibitions.
For many years, classical psychoanalysis was inclined to explain the cause of mental disorders in this way: we must resolve oedipal problems as early as possible in order to become free and gain the opportunity to enjoy sexual pleasure. But many of the women I have encountered over the years of my psychoanalytic practice have often been traumatized by this approach.
Women who had problems with sexual arousal often believed that their erotic difficulties were due to oedipal conflict issues. They became lost and alienated from themselves — sexually alienated, and sometimes they lost their sense of their own «I». When a woman who is quite successful in the outside world, but does not know who she is and feels empty inside herself, in such a confused state, comes to an appointment with a psychoanalyst, and all interpretations turn out to be related to sexuality, this increases her suffering.
During therapy, sexual feelings may become aggravated, but doubts and loneliness do not go anywhere, but are simply suppressed. Some patients developed something similar to the Stockholm syndrome: they became attached to the analysis and to me, trying their best to make «the analysis go right», and as a result, they became even more detached from the «real» selves.
Disturbed life background
There are also some couples that come to mind in which the woman was not interested in sex because she could not find a balance between work, caring for children and marital relationships. Realizing that she could not immediately play different roles, she instinctively eliminated, «turned off.» She felt alone and anxious, and these patterns were reinforced.
If such a woman came to a psychoanalyst who interpreted her emotional problems in sexual terms, she felt that she did not understand her mind or her body, and the dissociation between her body and her self-image only intensified.
Modern research shows that the ability to experience the pleasure of intimacy depends on the ability to experience deep affection. It is in unstable early attachment (which is formed already in the first year of life, long before the appearance of the Oedipus complex), and not in morality and the ban on sexuality, that the cause of emotional disorders is very often rooted.
We know that children need a stable attachment to those who take care of them at the beginning of life in order for the psyche to develop, to awaken interest in the outside world, curiosity, and imagination. In the process of early communication with the mother or with another significant adult, the child has a background or, one might say, the core of the self-awareness of the individual, a sense of his own «I». Against the background of the memory of these earliest relationships, we live on and master our body, mind and learn about the world around us.
If early relationships are broken, then there is no reliable self-perception of «I». For many of those who were neglected as children, even minor events, thoughts, or feelings can trigger a catastrophic reaction. This can also happen to those who grew up in relatively prosperous families, but at the same time, those where the parents (mostly mother) first attracted the child, and then immediately repelled, or scolded and hugged at the same time. The child could not decide how to react: to be angry, to withdraw into himself, to try not to catch the eye.
Having such an unstable connection with his mother, he could not form a stable sense of himself. Normally, it is quite stable and you can rely on it, it does not depend on the mood of the husband, wife, boss. And such a person, growing up, is looking for partnerships not for sexual pleasure, but for reliable attachment.
Attachment and sexuality
Not surprisingly, if such women are treated by a therapist who focuses on sexual repression, the treatment can be counterproductive. In women who are poorly aware of their own «I», problems with sexual arousal are associated with «hit, run, freeze» reactions. If a woman does not have the experience of a good early attachment, then she cannot calmly trust a partner, and how she herself interprets his behavior depends on her reaction to his behavior or an act towards her: she can perceive sexual intercourse as an aggressive attack and run, or respond with aggression or freeze.
And then her body will become tight, tense.
Many psychoanalysts write about the relationship between attachment style, sexual motivation, and sexual satisfaction. They say that in those who avoid attachment, sexual pleasure can become «canned». Sex in such cases will be self-centered, it confirms the existence of «I»: this is a performance aimed at achieving relaxation and confirming one’s own sexual abilities.
Those with anxious attachment tend to have «comfort» sex, that is, sex that proves they are loved. Canned sex is erotic but empty, while comfort sex is soothing but not erotic. Sex is most satisfying when both partners are securely attached.
Fortunately, attachment styles can change. Neuropsychologists and neurophysiologists write that it is possible to create new neurological pathways. Both sexuality and a sense of self are restored when we feel stable in our body and in the world.