Stubbornness is the behavior of an individual, characterized by an active rejection of the demands of other people addressed to him. At the same time, behavior moves from the objective plane to the interpersonal one and receives support from motives — self-affirmation. It is observed primarily in overly emotional or rigid people, as well as in the frustration of important needs.
In children and adolescents, the appearance of stubbornness may be due to the petty guardianship of adults or a dismissive attitude towards their desire to be independent.
Childish stubbornness
“We won’t say a prayer until you finish your porridge!”
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Stubbornness is one of the most common problems that parents of a young child have to deal with. Often it seems to many absolutely causeless; sometimes parents consider the so-called genetic reason to be the only reason for the manifestation of stubbornness, i.e. consider stubbornness as a character trait inherited by the child. «He’s all like his father!» — the mother says about her child and helplessly spreads her arms.
However, the stubbornness of an adult and the stubbornness of a small child are two different things. An adult, demonstrating stubbornness, can in one way or another argue the reason for its manifestation.
Children’s stubbornness is completely different. Children’s stubbornness most often consists in a constant desire to do everything in their own way, in defiance of adults. For example, a small child may refuse to walk, despite the fact that he loves to walk. He refuses to eat, go to bed, walk in his arms, etc., obeying the only desire — to go against adults.
As psychologists note, the peak of such «senseless» stubbornness falls on the age of about 2,5 years. It is at this age that children begin to realize themselves as individuals, begin to need not only guardianship, but also recognition of independence and the right to their own, albeit absurd (according to adults) point of view.
What are the reasons for such a phenomenon? First of all, as already mentioned, this is a manifestation of the need for self-affirmation, which is one of the most urgent in children of this age. If earlier, at an earlier age, the little person’s own “I” had not yet manifested itself in any way, now he has the first instinctive need to manifest himself as a person. Of course, a small child cannot be aware of the motivation for his actions, however, from the point of view of psychology, it is obvious. Having your own opinion is one of the forms of self-affirmation. In such a primitive, but the only form accessible to him, the child seeks to prove to others that he has his own opinion.
Childish stubbornness is one of the ways to assert yourself as a person.
Often, parents do not have a very clear idea of what stubbornness is. Many mothers who want to teach their child by example and neatness skills as early as possible see a manifestation of stubbornness in the fact that the child stubbornly continues to wet his pants and dirty the table while eating. However, in this case, it is hardly possible to talk about stubbornness. The child, most likely, is simply not yet ready to strictly comply with the requirements set by the parents. If a child at the age of about a year, for example, asked for a potty for several days, and then suddenly stopped doing it, parents hardly need to talk about the stubbornness of the child. Moreover, such an attitude of parents can, in the final analysis, really lead to the development of conscious stubbornness in a child at an older age.
Do not rush to accuse the child of stubbornness, make reasonable demands on him!
Another reason for stubbornness is often a violation of the usual rhythm of the baby’s life. During the first months of life, the child gets used not only to the people around him and the environment, but also to various kinds of rituals. He eats, as a rule, at a certain time in a certain place. The process of feeding is carried out by the same person, more often by the mother; the child, growing up, finds his place at the table, eats certain familiar foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
The process of preparing for sleep also eventually becomes a kind of ritual to which the child gets used. All these little things only seem to be little things; in fact, the habitual way of life is of great importance for the child. Subconsciously, it forms in him a sense of security and stability of the world around him, becomes a guarantee of peace.
What happens to a child when such a habitual way of life is violated? For example, it is not uncommon for a child to refuse food if a grandmother begins to feed him instead of his mother. The child cries, pushes the plate away from itself, demanding only one thing — the presence of the mother. The same thing can happen during bedtime, if another person puts the child to bed or if they try to put him to sleep in a different, unusual place for him. The child protests with all his strength, refuses to sleep, despite the fact that his eyes are already sticking together.
Stubbornness can be the result of a sudden disruption of the child’s usual way of life.
Parental stubbornness
However, the most common and dangerous reason for the development of stubbornness in children can be the stubbornness of parents. In this case, we are not talking about the genetic transmission of negative information of generations.
What are «stubborn» parents? These are parents who do not have a certain flexibility of requirements in education, parents for whom there are principles and there are practically no deviations from the principles.
Action gives rise to reaction — this law of physics in this case, with great success, can also be called the law of psychology. A mother who demands from her child constant submission and strict observance of certain (perhaps quite fair!) Rules may one day face a manifestation of categorical stubbornness. The child stops eating, refuses to go to bed only because the constant observance of the rules gives rise to an unconscious protest in him. In this case, he is trying to prove to adults that his rights to his own opinion, his self-esteem are infringed. Such stubbornness can eventually lead to serious problems, up to the complete loss of spiritual contact between the parents (or one of the parents) and the child.
The stubbornness of the child can become a kind of defense reaction to the excessive stubbornness of the parents. Don’t be too bossy with your child!
In addition to psychological, there are also some physiological reasons for the manifestation of stubbornness.
In some cases, stubbornness may be due to the peculiarities of the functional relationship between the right and left hemispheres of the brain. In the event that the right hemisphere dominates (a clear sign is the work of the left hand), the process of self-assertion in the child proceeds in a more acute form than in other children.
In the psychopathic form of stubbornness, the child is not aware of his behavior, does not motivate his stubbornness in any way and does not feel guilty. Such children are often aggressive and practically not amenable to any persuasion. This is one form of mental disorder that needs treatment.
If the child’s stubbornness is unreasonable, invincible, if it is combined with aggression, contact a specialist!
Another form of stubbornness — neurotic — is one of the types of functional mental disorder. This is an uncontrollable form of stubbornness, in which the child often acts against his will. With this form of stubbornness, the child is always aware that he is behaving incorrectly, badly, but he cannot help himself.
The neurotic form of stubbornness occurs against the background of constant stress, in which the child is forced to be. Constant conflicts of parents, authoritarian upbringing, rearrangement (inversion) of family roles (in the case when a child is raised by a grandmother or a nanny, and not by a mother, or when a mother is forced to play the role of a man in a family) can become stimulants of a stressful state.
In order to defeat the stubbornness of your child, you should, first of all, understand its causes. And having understood, if possible, eliminate them. Remember that stubbornness cannot be defeated overnight.
Try to follow the rules below — this will be the key to your fight against the stubbornness of the child.
- Do not fix attention on stubbornness, «remember no evil.»
- Don’t forget to praise your child when he deserves it.
- Don’t prejudice your child.
- Do not agree with the child just for the sake of him «getting behind» you.
- Never use forceful methods, do not show your moral and physical superiority — in this way you will develop an inferiority complex in a child.
- Before accusing your child of being stubborn, consider whether you yourself are being stubborn.
- Try to captivate a stubborn child with a game — in this way you can defeat this or that manifestation of stubbornness without infringing on children’s pride. The child must comply with your request with the idea that it coincided with his desire.
- Put yourself in the place of the child more often and look at the world “through his eyes”.
- Give your child the right to choose! For example, if you are going to take your child for a walk, you should not ask him if he wants to go for a walk if you know in advance what his answer will be. Ask if he wants to go for a walk in the park or in the yard, if he wants to wear this or that clothes for a walk. Try not to create situations in which there would be an opportunity for the manifestation of the child’s stubbornness.