The first year after the birth of a child is a serious test for a couple. We found out from our experts what exactly the danger is and how to avoid it.
Expecting the birth of the first child, we mentally prepare for many difficulties: sleepless nights, childhood whims and illnesses, chronic fatigue … But even the most far-sighted do not assume that the happiest event in a couple’s life often becomes the starting point of its destruction. Is it possible to save a relationship if there are three of you?
How to save a family? Life stories and a commentary by a psychotherapist
Numerous studies confirm this paradoxical thesis: in the first year of a child’s life, satisfaction with one’s own marriage decreases significantly. The statistics presented in the University of Denver study are staggering: 90% of couples say so. According to research, this also applies to those people whose relationships before pregnancy seemed wonderful to them.
Moreover, the higher the expectations of a man and a woman from future parenthood, the more difficult they experience this period: instead of closeness, distance comes, instead of mutual understanding, disagreements about upbringing. It is no coincidence that, under Russian law, a man does not have the right to divorce his wife without her consent during pregnancy and in the first year of a child’s life.
What happens to a couple after the birth of their first child? Psychologists identify several aspects, including social and cultural attitudes in society, the highest level of stress in the first months after childbirth, as well as gender differences in the behavior of men and women during this period. We talked to experts about each of them.
From dyad to triad
“In the relationship between a man and a woman, huge changes are taking place at this moment,” explains psychologist, founder of group classes in preparation for childbirth, Daria Utkina. – Their roles are changing dramatically: before they were lovers, and now they have become young parents. This transformation takes a long time.”
At first, this is shocking: you have known each other for many years (or months), and suddenly one fine morning comes the realization that this is not at all the person you swore to love forever. Inna Khamitova, a systemic family psychotherapist, considers this a completely natural process: “Parenthood turns people into a completely new side to each other. And people, in a sense, need to get to know each other again, even if they have been together for 10 years. And the couple is either adapting to these changes, or it’s the beginning of the end.”
The appearance of a child concerns not only his mom and dad, but their relatives and even friends
All family and social ties are undergoing significant changes, and they also affect relationships within the couple. “Much depends on the position of grandparents – how they see their role in raising a child and how much this coincides with the expectations of his parents,” comments Daria Utkina. – And depending on how important their social activity was for dad or mom, it is easier or harder for them to adapt to a new life. We all know those famous “baby poop” talks of new parents – how does it even fit into your previous lifestyle?”
Of course, all these processes are individual and depend on the characteristics of the individual. “In addition, after the birth of a child, certain internal conflicts arise in each of us related to relationships with our own parents,” notes Inna Khamitova. – And this can also provoke estrangement between spouses. Still, the triangle is a more stable structure than the dyad. And if the couple managed to survive the crisis period, the relationship becomes much stronger. If you let this situation take its course, a crack appears in the family, which can then turn into an abyss.
If it is too difficult for one or both parents to change their habits, the child becomes a catalyst for conflict, because it brings such a level of stress into life that the couple questions: are we ready to include this third person in our relationship? Or do we want to pass it on to nannies and grandmothers, continuing the relationship that we had? Or do we understand that it is impossible to build relationships further?
“It is possible to answer them approximately by the end of the first year of a child’s life, because it is then that the realization comes that a child is forever.” In addition, there is a certain request from society: a year is given to young parents for adaptation, but after this period it is expected that they will begin to lead a familiar lifestyle.
It’s hard for everyone
During pregnancy and after childbirth, a woman experiences a colossal hormonal shock in her body. Each mother reacts to it differently: for many, the baby becomes something that protects from the outside world, especially during breastfeeding.
“In addition to biological factors, each woman has her own unique psychological experience,” emphasizes Daria Utkina. – For some, this is the engine, and for someone – the reason for depression. But in any case, this is a huge physical and mental work, and at the same time there is still a child with whom you need to establish a connection, and a partner with whom you need to build relationships in a new way.
At this moment, the father is also experiencing serious stress: is he ready for such responsibility, “has he built a house and planted a tree.” And this stress is only exacerbated by the inflated expectations of men and women from themselves and from each other.
Everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an equivalent event!
Moreover, unlike a woman, for whom there are many techniques and rituals in culture to adapt to her new role, for a man this process can be much more difficult.
“Let these be only symbolic rituals, but a woman is greeted with flowers from the hospital, they give gifts for children’s birthdays and much more,” comments Daria Utkina. – But everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an equivalent event! In fact, there is no way for him to initiate other than going to a bar with friends and getting drunk. And if he chose instead to go, for example, to childbirth, where the center is a woman, and then a child, then it turns out that he experienced a huge shock, but it is not symbolically marked in any way. He has to rely not on traditions, but to look for new ways for himself.
As a result, we see two people who do not sleep at night, are in a state of extreme stress and anxiety, who have a baby who also wants to understand how to live in this world. Both partners experience all sorts of pressure: from each other, from relatives, friends, society.
Daria Utkina speaks with concern about the trend of recent years: “Now there is a certain social model – a woman who, immediately after giving birth, should lead the same lifestyle as before pregnancy. She works, leads a social life, looks slim and sexy – no whims and changes. This is broadcast from magazines, TV, books and, firstly, creates for a man an absolutely wrong picture of how it really happens. And secondly, it exerts incredible pressure on a woman who experiences a double sense of guilt.
Thus, a woman is denied the most important thing – to feel like a full-fledged mother and calmly find harmony with her own child.
Keys to mutual understanding
It is at this stressful point that problems arise, which subsequently can lead, if not to a break in relations, then to a serious distance between partners. “The birth of a child, like a litmus test, reveals those unresolved problems in a couple that were before the birth,” says Inna Khamitova. “If the partners have not agreed on the shore about their responsibilities and roles, or simply have not created a trusting relationship, then when a child appears and there are even more tasks, it is much more difficult to do this.”
This process can take very sharp forms and develop into constant scandals. The first advice for future parents is to seriously prepare for the birth of a child. And not in a children’s store, buying booties, but at the negotiating table, discussing all possible negative points and risks.
“Learn more about childbirth and the postpartum period,” advises Daria Utkina. – Go to courses for pregnant women together, read specialized literature. It is very important to discuss in advance whether you need a nanny or a housekeeper, what role grandparents will play. And most importantly, what do you expect from each other.
The key to mutual understanding is to give the partner the opportunity and time to realize their new role.
The birth of a child is the most important event in life for most people. But at the same time, the realization that this life will never be the same does not come to young parents immediately. For objective reasons, they are forced to change their lifestyle, schedule, habits – and for some this becomes a problem. Especially for men who, unlike women, are not naturally endowed with hormones that allow them to quickly realize their parenthood. Therefore, they often need more time to adapt, and here the key to mutual understanding is to give the partner the opportunity and time to realize the new role. Instead of reproaches and ultimatums, it is worth explaining in detail why a new life requires certain sacrifices on the part of both parents.
Physical difficulties and a hormonal surge seriously affect the emotional state of a young mother – psychologists often call it “altered”, meaning that she can behave completely differently than before the birth of a child. Even the most balanced woman can suddenly become whiny and capricious. Many mothers describe the first months after childbirth as “a black hole in the mind when you are not aware of your actions.”
The third important step is to help yourself recover. “It is very important to talk about recovery in terms of your body,” explains Daria Utkina. – Find some pleasant and interesting procedures for yourself in advance, stock up on the contacts of lactation consultants, massage therapists. Plan how to arrange for yourself the opportunity to recover and at the same time be with the child.
The psychologist believes that, first of all, it is necessary to solve basic problems – to eat and sleep, and then deal with relationships: “This is the time when a woman has one big task – adaptation to a child. It’s good if her partner can take a vacation in the first month after giving birth, so that the two get used to new rhythms. ”
Emotional recovery is directly related to the ability to share experiences with relatives and friends or receive their support in time.
When talking about their relationship in the first year or two of a child’s life, couples often use the word “unbearable.” It is this feeling that pushes them to part. It seems that it is no longer possible to endure and the only way out is divorce.
“People are in an extremely stressful state,” explains Daria Utkina. – And it is very difficult to understand in such a situation how objective your emotions are. Am I really feeling this or am I overacting a bit? The only thing that can be controlled is our emotional reactions to the events that occur. Only we ourselves can bring stability to the environment that surrounds us.”
The fourth tip is to be tolerant of your partner. The fact is that in a state of “unbearability” we address this feeling to the person who causes it in us. We shift responsibility for our condition to him, although it arises simply because at some point our own fears and experiences are realized.
“But you need to understand the difference between “tolerate” and “show tolerance,” the psychologist warns. – When a person is in pain, if he closes his eyes, he will feel better for a moment. But if the source of pain does not disappear, then the body dies. And we come to the question: is this situation a reason to endure, or to be more tolerant? What will make me feel better right now and in a larger perspective?
The main key to how to save a family is to strive for a balance between parenthood and marriage.
Often, separation in a couple occurs because, in the earliest stages, the father feels excluded from the life of the mother and child. Therefore, an important point is an attempt to avoid the “feeling of the third superfluous”. Today, dads are actively involved in the preparation for childbirth and even childbirth. An illusory equality is created between parents, which is immediately destroyed if a woman breastfeeds.
“Many dads breathe a sigh of relief when they find out that their father’s functions do not include feeding at night and “putting to sleep” a newborn,” Daria Utkina reassures. – Then the question arises before the man: why am I needed here at all? But in fact, he faces the most important tasks: to create space so that a woman can calmly take care of a child, be strong and responsible, and help her partner recover after childbirth. And then the father feels that this is his role and it is significant, he is inspired and does not feel like a third wheel. You just need to remind him more often.”
And finally, the main key to how to save a family is to strive for a balance between parenthood and marriage. “Despite the fact that you have become a father and mother, we must not forget that you are also spouses, friends, lovers, just close people,” warns Inna Khamitova. – This is a separate and important task – to devote time and emotions to each other. Start a tradition once a week to leave the child to a grandmother or a nanny, and spend at least a couple of hours together yourself.
This thesis is also confirmed by a study from the University of Denver: couples who, six months after the birth of a child, felt more like lovers/partners than other respondents experienced much less stress from their parenthood in general, experienced the difficulties associated with the appearance of a baby in the family more easily. . The more we invest in our relationship during this period, the better it will be for all three family members.