In Soviet times, we were extremely bashful in matters of sex. As you know, he didn’t exist. That’s why we didn’t talk about it. Especially with teenagers. How has the situation changed today?
As you know, there was no sex in the Soviet country. My proposal to write about this problem in the author’s section of the journal «Aurora» was met at that time as revolutionary. A business trip to Estonia, however, was discharged, and I went to meet Dr. Norman, who was popular among the local youth. It was the literary role of a journalist and sexologist with a second education, Tõnu Ots.
Tõnu said things, as I understand now, quite ordinary things. About, for example, that girls develop mentally, physically, and emotionally faster than boys, which at a certain age gives rise to aggression of the latter. That girls at this age want to find their D’Artagnan, and then marry Pierre Bezukhov. He explained to teenagers how to determine the age of biological maturity, when you can have sex: when you regularly start shaving and talking about love in a low voice. Meanwhile, when I expressed my shock at the statistics of young girls entering into sexual relations (from the age of 13 and earlier — so-and-so percent, from 14 — so-and-so; in Estonia these statistics already existed, we do not), he answered me in the voice of a doctor: Come on, we can’t influence this situation. It is more important to convince girls to remove their socks first and only then their panties, and not vice versa.
At the same time, of course, he paid much attention to the ethics of sex. For example, he figuratively explained to the girls why you should not have sex with drunken young people. When a guy is sober, he likes one girl. When I drank — two or even three. When drunk, all the women in the world seem equally beautiful to him, and he is ready for intimacy with anyone.
Today, in times of total promiscuity, all this looks, of course, naive. But at the time, the mere fact of talking about such things was out of the ordinary. The conversation has been published. But here’s what’s interesting. Usually, after the release of the material, I received several dozen letters. In response to a conversation about sex, not a single one came. No one knew how to respond to this breakthrough in glasnost. Nobody wanted to come out of the underground. Or even afraid. The taboo had an extended period of validity.
And now, like all of us, the situation with sex has changed overnight. Sex is everywhere now. He seductively looks into the eyes of a teenager from each commercial clip. Talk shows on this subject go at the most popular time. And indispensable sections in newspapers — how to achieve a multiorgasm and what to do if you should not; who is the most sexy man; who has the biggest bust; what the pastor said to the prostitute he ordered. The issue of sexual minorities is being discussed around the clock by deputies. I’m not talking about pornographic literature and the availability of porn sites. What the Soviet schoolboy drew information about from the walls of the restroom or from conversations with high school students has now come to him in an impeccable aesthetic package.
- How to talk to teenagers about sex?
Previously, the problem of sex was tightly closed by the sanctimonious state morality. Many efforts have been made, including by Tõnu Otsom, to open the door to this area of life. Now, in his current expression, the door is open and there is a strong draft. “If,” he says, “the child is left on the street or in front of the TV, then his concepts are limited to the genitals.” That is, strictly so, I will add, as in the old days of obscene folklore.
But what is paradoxical is that state morality has not changed a bit since then. I’m not talking about the numerous bans on the distribution of all kinds of materials of a sexual nature (they just lead to nothing, as a rule). But here is a worthy of a better use of resistance to sex education — yes. Protect the sacred place of love. But even less is said about love. I will not break through the wall with my forehead. Igor Kon unsuccessfully spent the last years of his life on this, repeatedly turning to the government and the Duma and explaining the catastrophic spread of AIDS precisely by sexual ignorance. Got rejected everywhere.
In this situation, the only hope for the family and parents. It is necessary to talk with children about love, yes, but without a frank story about the ethics and hygiene of sex, these conversations will be like reading fairy tales. And to begin with, you need to dare to answer the first question that is usually asked by a very young child: where do children come from? We are afraid that the child will misunderstand and interpret something, that this will prematurely awaken his erotic fantasy and damage his psyche, reduce sublime love to low instincts. Yes, nothing like that! But there is no love without sex, that’s for sure. On the other hand, illiteracy in sex can destroy love.
Here is an episode narrated by the famous American writer Bel Kaufman, bestselling author of Up the Down Stairs*. She is sure that from any information the child will select only what is available to his psyche at that moment. When asked by her little daughter about the secret of the birth of children, she not only answered frankly, but also drew how sexual intercourse takes place. The girl was amazed at this ingenuity of nature. “Awesome! — she said. “Does dad know?”
Let’s be gentle, but also brave at the same time. Perhaps this will protect our child from many future troubles.
* B. Kaufman «Up the stairs leading down» (Azbuka, 2010).