“Not With Me”: How We Respond to Violence Against Others

We all experience emotions and sometimes we cannot contain them. A random scene in the subway, on the street, in a store can touch something deeply hidden, and we react without thinking: fight or run.

“Walked along the boulevard with a friend and witnessed such a scene: a man beats and shoves a woman, while she holds on to the handle of a baby carriage. When I saw this, I couldn’t stay away. I rushed to them, started yelling at the man that I would call the police, that I didn’t care if she was his wife or not, no one had the right to beat another. Reminds me that they have a child with them. Everything ended well – the fighter began to make excuses, to apologize. But if you think about it, I could get it in the eye,” says Maria, 39.

“I went out for a walk with the dog, and another one attacked my dog ​​with barking – the same small empty talk. His owners loaded the car at the entrance and did not even bother to tie the baby so that he would not run where the car could pass. Seeing that their dog showed aggression, a man (strong and well-fed) came up and kicked him. I yelled in horror at him not to touch the dog. I wanted to grab his dog and run away with him, save him from this sadist. Then his wife came up with a child in her arms and called the dog away. I left in a rage and powerlessness. Maybe he beats his wife, I don’t know. But I felt so sorry for the dog. And until now, as I remember, it becomes very hard on my soul, ”says Elena, 42 years old.

“Situation: a boy of 5 years old, roars. The mother rudely yells at him, “to shut up”, but does not use physical force. My reaction? At this moment I feel a stupor. I understand that I have no right to interfere in their relationship. After all, this is not my child. And what right do I have to educate my mother, to tell her what is best. At the same time, I understand that the boy now does not understand at all why they are yelling at him. As a result, I still do not dare to say something to my mother, but I feel very sorry for the child. In general, the situation is sad,” recalls Nikita, 38 years old.

We don’t always feel we have the right to intervene. We can stand up for the victim, or we can freeze, and this does not mean at all that we do not care. How we react to scenes of violence depends on our experience. Whose side will we take: the aggressor or the victim? And what determines our reaction to other people’s conflicts?

“What we see makes us come into contact with our own experience”

Ksenia Kukoleva, psychologist

Even if the aggression is directed at someone else, and we happen to be just casual observers, this usually evokes a strong response from us. Our emotional reaction suggests that what is happening in some way concerns ourselves. Inside, we “connect” with one of the participants, trying on his role.

What you see makes you get in touch with your own experience, which allows you to experience sympathy. At this moment, we seem to feel again what it feels like when they treat us unfairly, and maybe even use physical force.

How strong and what kind of emotional reaction to the situation will be depends on our experience. Perhaps it is customary for us to rebel, to defend ourselves, to respond to the offender. Or, on the contrary, “freeze”, afraid of provoking even more violence. Therefore, cruel scenes can cause both a desire to rush to the defense of the weak, and paralyzing horror, impotence.

At the same time, we can emotionally join in the experience of the aggressor if his feelings seem understandable and familiar. We all get angry sometimes, we raise our voices, we can’t contain our feelings. Any strong emotions are natural and common to everyone, although not in every case they lead to frightening consequences.

For example, watching a mother who yells at a bullying child, we understand her feelings, if we are familiar with anger at our own children. This does not mean that we condone her actions. Rather, we can simply sympathize with both sides.

There are also situations of “emotional contagion” when bystanders take the side of the aggressor and unleash their anger on the defenseless victim. Such cases are typical for crowded places, situations of riots.