(Not) happiness in money: save or spend?

“Money is metal and paper signs, a measure of value in the sale and purchase, a means of payment and an object of accumulation,” explains the explanatory dictionary. But that’s not all, psychology adds: for us, money sometimes plays the role of a language. They allow us to express desires, feelings, convey our attitude to life.

The way in which we are used to spending money often has nothing to do with real income: everyone has met rich misers and poor spenders. Among us there are those who count every penny, and those who cannot resist the temptation to blow everything that is in the wallet. Some think for hours before making an ordinary purchase, others even in cramped circumstances will not deny themselves pleasure.

Our ideas about finance are so subjective that it’s time to ask ourselves: is it even possible to have an adequate attitude towards money? And what are our motives for being greedy, prodigal, or demonstrating our disdain for money?

Why is it hard for some people to part with money?

Among Valery’s acquaintances, no one knows exactly how much he earns. But the topic “How everything is getting more expensive today” is one of his favorites. It seems that his main concern is to convince everyone that he lives literally on the verge of poverty. When another starts talking about his financial problems, Valery immediately leaves the conversation: there can be no question of borrowing something from him … All his behavior is dictated by the need to accumulate and keep his capital intact.

“There are so-called existential needs that are deeply rooted in human nature,” explains psychologist Anna Fenko. – There are only four of them: this is the need for security, power, love and freedom. The desire for them to varying degrees is inherent in everyone, but any of these needs can turn into an obsessive passion.

“Those who cannot part with money,” continues the French psychotherapist Elisabeth Martin, “see it as a symbol of power. Many people believe that money can solve any problem. Their greatest desire is to control the world, to psychologically dominate friends, loved ones, work colleagues or subordinates. But the fear that the funds may not be enough, on the contrary, makes such people slaves, makes them dependent on money.

Avaricious people often get inexplicable pleasure by repeatedly counting money – every ruble saved is a victory for them. Nothing comforts them more than a zero-sum shopping trip. So they test their ability to self-control.

The need to keep one’s resources intact can also be associated with internal insecurity, insecurity. For such people, money serves as an aid that allows them to navigate in life. In order to somehow alleviate the fear of the future, Vladimir distributes the family budget extremely economically, depriving himself and his family of the pleasures that are quite accessible to them.

And every time he sighs with satisfaction at the end of the month: he has more than enough left. After all, everything must be foreseen: if he suddenly falls ill, or remains without work, or …

“Here we are talking about an exaggerated need for security,” comments Anna Fenko. — Yes, a person is prone to disease, aging, mortal… We all experience fear. It is impossible to completely get rid of it, but some try to do it with the help of money. It is known that in old age, many people who are prone to this method of “paying off fate” become especially stingy. This is understandable: with age, a person feels more vulnerable … “

Wasteful temperament

The more depressed Veronica feels, the more often she goes shopping: “Shopping calms me down.” “Spenders are often in a state of internal anxiety,” confirms Anna Fenko. “Not being shopaholics, many are tempted to spend money during times of uncertainty or angst.” Such people are freed from money, in fact, trying to relieve themselves of the oppression of difficult experiences. A more severe form of extravagance is already akin to addiction: it is an irrational response to the inner emptiness of one’s own life. Along with Alcoholics Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous has long existed.

In addition to anxious spenders, there are also “dragonflies” who prefer not to notice how they spend money. “Accounting is not mine at all,” Marina justifies herself. – Income, expenditure – it’s best not to know this. Most dragonflies seem nonchalant. “However, this behavior often indicates an unconscious desire to hide your head in the sand like an ostrich out of fear of the future,” explains psychotherapist Gerard Louvain. “Refusing to count expenses is a manifestation of the desire to protect oneself.”

Sometimes the propensity to waste can come from an aggressive need to get someone else to pay for oneself. This is exactly the case of 20-year-old Alina: “I consider it completely normal to please myself with purchases … But why work hard, tear yourself up for money? My mother helps me, pays for the apartment, rest. Actually, I didn’t ask to give birth to me, so if she takes my expenses on herself, it’s fair.”

The need to spend everything without a trace can also be caused by an unconscious desire to punish oneself for something. “Usually such people invest only in failed projects, as if some evil force does not allow them to enjoy their profits,” explains psychoanalyst Smiley Blanton. “The need to punish yourself is also a frequent part of the players: that’s why they almost never stop after winning a certain amount.”

And yet we will refrain from categorical generalizations: there are “dragonflies” who simply want to extract from the material wealth the pleasure that they are able to give. If uncontrolled spending is a clear sign of infantilism, then the ability to please yourself within reasonable financial limits, on the contrary, is proof of maturity.

The wrong side of generosity

Jeanne’s husband is a big-hearted person. “At first, his gifts flattered me as evidence of love. But now, when I try to explain to him that I also need affection, tenderness, kind words, he holds out a wallet with the words: “Buy yourself whatever you want, dear.” It infuriates me. And if I start complaining, he is surprised: “What are you talking about? You don’t need anything!”

“Always keeping an open wallet ready is a way to buy the love and respect of others without wasting your own feelings,” explains Gerard Louvain. “People who are overly generous often feel guilty, trying to justify themselves with their grand gestures.” True generosity is rare. It is endowed with those of us who know how to give without desire, often unconscious, to oblige, to make dependent on ourselves, to bind to ourselves the one we bestow.

Praise for poverty?

“I can’t stand those who attach importance to money,” Anna admits. “True wealth is hidden in each of us.” “It’s hard to argue with this idea,” says Anna Fenko. “However, the modern world is arranged in such a way that it is paid work that is the main privilege of an adult. The child does not have it. “I don’t give a damn about money” is the attitude of a teenager who is afraid to enter adulthood, to participate in the social competition for maturity. He refuses to become an adult, does not want to take responsibility, change his social position and accept the world as it is. The fear of money is the fear of growing up.”

What is money anorexia

This “disease” is manifested by two contradictory symptoms: a person passionately wants money and at the same time feels a sense of shame that prevents him from succeeding in this. He is afraid to become richer, to ask for an increase in wages, cannot demand back a debt and, most importantly, is not able to please himself without feeling remorse.

In order to somehow convince themselves that they are right, those suffering from money anorexia deceive themselves, saying that money is indifferent to them and that the opportunity to sacrifice themselves is the highest pleasure for them.

Such an indisposition in the literal sense is costly to the money anorexic. “I can’t spend a quarter of my salary on a dress,” Sofya says. And he adds: – However, leaving the store, I usually notice that I could not save. I ditched a beautiful dress that suited me so well, and instead bought two others on sale that I liked much less … and ended up costing more.”

The girl suffers from a deep sense of guilt, which pushes her to self-punishment: by denying herself a passionately desired purchase, she also pays for it in full. Wanting to save money, such people paradoxically spend more than they expected.

“We are embarrassed to buy ourselves an expensive thing, as if it would betray some of our intimate secrets – the secret of desire,” adds Anna Fenko. Why do we prefer to pay for something we don’t like than give in to our desire? Probably, in childhood, our parents firmly hammered into our heads that “we must be more modest”, and “money must be spent wisely”. With mind means without pleasure. After all, it is the control over pleasures that is the main mechanism of cultural control – what is called education.

Enjoy them

“It is unlikely that an absolutely rational attitude to money can be considered healthy,” continues Anna Fenko. – Money is a tool for the fulfillment of desires, therefore it is impossible to exclude the emotional element from the attitude towards them. A truly healthy relationship with money is rare. It is formulated, for example, in the New Testament formula “Caesar – Caesar’s.” In secular language, I would translate it like this: “Money is just money.” They allow you to solve some problems and fulfill some desires, but not all.

“To build a healthy and mature attitude towards money is necessary on respect for oneself and for the opportunity to earn money without being ashamed of it, without feeling remorse,” Smiley Blanton concludes. “Sometimes you need to allow yourself pleasant, albeit empty, spending. A housewife who feeds her family pasta from time to time, saving a small amount for a bouquet of flowers or going to the cinema, is a healthier and happier woman than one who, out of a sense of sacrifice, constantly denies herself any joy.

And it does not matter if we sometimes allow ourselves to go beyond the budget – it is much worse to limit ourselves. To deprive yourself of pleasure is to run away from life. Therefore, a healthy attitude towards money is based primarily on a healthy attitude towards oneself.