“Normally Violent Can’t Be Tolerated”

Psychologies: TV reports about cases of physical violence in the family appear on the air almost daily. But you say that this kind of cruelty is not the most common…

Alexander Orlov: Domestic abuse is just the tip of the iceberg. Other forms of abuse between spouses remain invisible to others, which many – especially those from whom it comes – do not at all consider violence. Domestic psychological violence is a blow that leaves no traces, it is silence instead of words, contempt instead of attention. Is it possible to count how many women and men today suffer from humiliating remarks from their partners, aggressive attacks, screaming, slamming doors, neglect, emotional blackmail? ..

And if open physical violence revolts us, we are aware that it is contrary to normal relationships, then psychological violence can be found today in very many “normal” families. In my psychotherapeutic practice, I often come across situations where people do not even realize that they are showing violence, so it has become a habit.

But such a model of behavior is very often really assimilated from childhood, from the parental family …

A. O.: Yes, many do inherit this style of behavior: we learn to build our relationships according to the models of our parents, who, in turn, learned from their models, and so on. In addition, if a child was abused in childhood, his needs as a person were ignored, then it will be very difficult for him to choose a different form of communication with loved ones, because he simply does not know others.

But all this in no way justifies either the cruelty or the suffering that they inflict on another person. Violence cannot be tolerated, either in others or in oneself. Breaking such a chain of succession is the task of psychotherapeutic work.

It is generally accepted that the victim of violence in a couple is always a woman …

A. O.: At the risk of surprise you, but in many families it happens the other way around. Is it a rarity – women’s ridicule, swearing, insults, neglect of a partner? If in the most obvious cases of physical cruelty, of course, men dominate (as they are physically stronger), then in matters of psychological violence, some women are not inferior to the stronger sex. Note that the topic of female psychological violence is not new: suffice it to recall “The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish” …

Doesn’t everyday violence in the family become less with the change of generations and the emergence of more and more new models of a couple?

A. O.: There are changes, but, in my opinion, not too significant. In fact, people have always balanced between the two poles of human relations – love and power: the closer to the pole of power, the more pronounced violence in relations, the closer to the pole of love, the freer we are from it. And unfortunately, partner and married couples, in which everyday violence is completely absent, today, alas, are an exception.

There will be no violence if each of the partners sees in the other a person, and not his property. In order to really change the situation, it is important for us to be aware of all the forms of violent relationships that we apply to each other, including without realizing it.

But maybe the most effective solution to the problem is to part with an abusive partner?

A. O.: If we are talking about beatings or other extremes, of course, yes. Such a situation is never corrected by itself, and dialogue in it is often impossible. A breakup is the most intelligible way to explain that the other is not satisfied with such a relationship and does not intend to put up with it. Even if it is not easy to take such a step – there are common children, material circumstances, etc.

On the other hand, a breakup may not solve the problem of violence even in a single specific life: for example, if a woman divorces because of a beating, there is no guarantee that everything will not happen again in her subsequent relationship. Because in any relationship there are always two involved, that is, each of the partners bears their share of responsibility for them. And it must be realized in order to free ourselves from such a violent model of relations in the future.

And of course, do not be shy to seek help from a psychologist or family therapist. Whether you are going to break up or make up, it will just help you survive.