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The bars of a crib, the indifferent or frightened eyes of a child, plates of porridge on the tables – when discussing the topic of orphanhood, we often mean the little ones. Those who have grown up seem to be invisible to us. But they are. At 18, still teenagers, they go out into a world where no one needs them. Try to imagine how difficult it is for them.
Growing up for graduates of orphanages does not happen like in an ordinary family, not gradually, but at one moment. Until the age of 18, a person lives like behind a stone wall, without thinking about where food and electricity come from and how much sweatshirts and jeans cost. And then, literally one day, he suddenly begins to be considered an adult and finds himself in the big world. This adult is left to himself. For which he is completely unprepared.
Yes, there is a certain amount of money in the account and housing, but it is not clear what to do with it. How to lead a life, plan a budget, make repairs, pay an apartment, how to earn money, finally? For example, when an 18-year-old “home” child leaves to study in another city or country, he makes a decision together with his parents. They discuss all the details, soberly weigh all the risks. And adults continue to keep the situation under control for as long as their son / daughter needs, right? Probably, up to 22 or 25 years old – this is individual.
In the system of orphanages there is no such word – “individually” – in principle. A teenager who finds himself on the threshold of an orphanage is recognized by the commission as capable of independent living. But sad statistics show the opposite: nine out of ten graduates of orphanages fail to find their place in society.
These data are open, but few people know about them. Or they know, but do not understand what can be done about it. Among those who support teenagers are the participants of the “Being Near” project of the “Volunteers to Help Orphans” charity foundation. Program coordinator Maria Rylnikova and psychologist Inga Kozlenkova talk about the most vulnerable points of “no one’s” children. And what we can do.
1. Understand your desires
In everyday life, pupils have even more than what children in ordinary, poor families can afford. Especially when it comes to the metropolitan area. In the summer they are taken to the sea, to camps. They are given iPhones and expensive toys. They take them to performances and concerts so often that children are not able to comprehend the flow of impressions.
In fact, they are not even asked if they want to receive these impressions. Life in a team does not take into account the individual needs of the child. It is unrealistic to ask Dima or Sveta whether they want to have lunch/sleep/walk now or later.
“An adult doesn’t need feedback, it’s not interesting, without it it’s easier to manage a group of children,” says Maria Rylnikova. – From infancy, children in the orphanage cease to be aware of their needs, bodily and emotional. They may feel discomfort, anxiety, anger, but they don’t even understand what it is connected with. A person who has never been offered a choice is not asked, “Do you like this? What do you want now, sleep or drink? ”, does not learn to listen to itself. One of the tasks of a mentor is to help a teenager understand his emotions and learn about his desires.
2. Get personalized attention
The number of adults who work in the orphanage sometimes approaches the number of children themselves – educators, nannies, teachers, doctors, security guards, cooks. But care in the conditions of the system does not involve treating the child as a subject. “You will do what they say, when they say.”
“Food and care are not enough for development, something else is needed,” explains Inga Kozlenkova. – Only reflected in the eyes of an interested adult, the child understands: I am, I am valuable. Without a personal relationship with a significant adult, the child feels in danger, is in a state of acute stress, and his body does not work for development and growth, but only for survival.
It is not surprising that children from orphanages look 5-7 years younger than their “home” peers. “This period of relationship with someone significant cannot be stepped over,” continues Maria Rylnikova. “The emotional development of the child seems to freeze at that stage, at the age when he was removed from the family.”
Graduates are very vulnerable psychologically, they have many fears, the strongest of which is the fear of the future. They have a poor idea of what to do and what will happen to them tomorrow, in a year. They are not ready, do not want or are afraid to integrate into someone else’s social life.
In the family, the child is sent by the parents, and we did not trust the educators …
“After high school, I had no idea where to go and what would happen next. It is very difficult to choose a specialty right away. You have to sit down and think that you are doing better … So I went to a construction college. There are no problems with employment, you can go to work at least from the age of 14. The question is different. In the family, the child is guided by the parents, he listens to them, trusts them. And we often have the following attitude towards the educator: this is a stranger, he is watching you, but he is not interested in you, he just makes money like that, and that’s it. You have not trusted him since childhood. And here you are, until the age of 18, living in a state-owned house with everything ready, without thinking about anything. And then bam – you get an apartment, and you have no idea how to pay for it, how to maintain it, how to make repairs. No control – and complete freedom! Many guys immediately start renting apartments and get paid for it. Someone first of all buys expensive things and does not think about the profession. What kind of study or work is there? The strongest survives”.
Sergey, 21 years old
Few people explain to pupils why they need to study further. As a rule, they graduate from colleges in three specialties – a cook, a seamstress, a landscaper (landscape designer). They find themselves low-paid jobs, but they cannot stay there for a long time. Or don’t work at all. Cause? They lack elementary discipline, communication skills that a person in a family learns automatically, without thinking.
For example, the ability to talk about yourself; resolve the conflict without aggression; come to the meeting on time; communicate properly with management, colleagues and customers. These young people are always tense and ready to fight back, because years of life in the orphanage have taught them to wait for an attack from outside and show counter aggression.
4. Become self-reliant
Only very capable young people, with a strong character, motivation, mental resources, can get a job in adult life.
Few of the graduates live normally afterwards …
“I was brought up in one of the orphanages in Perm, and out of 80 people who graduated with me about 10 years ago, only 11 people live normally today. Some committed suicide, others went to prison, the rest drink, prostitute, take drugs. Some gave birth to children – and handed over to orphanages.
Nastya, 26 years old
The experience of a relationship with a significant adult can be given to a teenager by a volunteer mentor. During the year, he meets weekly with his ward, plays, talks, helps to think about the future, listen to himself. That is, it becomes for a teenager a kind of guide to adulthood. Those whom he will trust and whom he will be able to rely on.
“By carefully communicating with a child, a volunteer can identify his interests, clarify what he would like to do,” adds Maria Rylnikova. – In institutions, these “wants” are practically not taken into account. But the main thing that a mentor can give to his ward is the feeling that someone needs him. Only by relying on it, the child will be able to grow up, learn to take responsibility, strive for something and do something in this life. Just like all of us.”
To learn more about the “Being Near” project and how to become a volunteer, please visit .