“No one writes to the colonel”: what to do if there are no friends

Если вам кажется, что друзей нет только у вас, вы не одиноки. Это не каламбур, а глобальный феномен. Даже в самых густонаселенных странах люди чувствуют себя в полной изоляции. В Китае и Японии проблема достигла таких масштабов, что пришлось создать специальную службу, где предоставляют в аренду «друга».

The need for communication is in our nature. We need at least occasionally to share food and drink with someone, to talk about everything that we think and feel. There is a lot of writing these days about how to build and maintain romantic relationships, but when it comes to friendship, for some reason, it is believed that it should arise on its own. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

Есть несколько глобальных и ситуативных проблем, которые мешают завести друзей.

• Social networks. Active users of social networks, unlike moderate ones, more often feel isolated from society. On the one hand, online space is an opportunity to make new acquaintances, on the other hand, live communication skills are lost.
• geographic factors. Возможно, вы переехали в другой город и оказались в полном одиночестве или живете в такой глуши, где лишь изредка удается кого-нибудь встретить.
• Личностные установки. Each personality has its own characteristics and character. Some have always been introverts, others once realized that they prefer solitude. There are shy people who hesitate to share their thoughts, while others think that they are unsociable.
• Естественная тенденция. Studies confirm that the number of friends begins to decline around the age of 25.
• Age. As a person matures and graduates, it becomes more difficult to form friendships.

“I don’t have real friends”

Some have a lot of acquaintances, but with close friends, alas, it did not work out. They are aware that such relationships lack sincerity and depth. They are very lonely, although there are many people around. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t have real friends, take into account that close friendships don’t happen all at once and always start with casual acquaintances. It is impossible to immediately get close to a person you barely know. Be patient, everything has its time.

Maybe your ideas about friendship are somewhat exaggerated? Some tend to idealize it. It seems to them that others do not make any effort at all, so they consider it necessary to persistently remind about themselves. Friendships are rarely perfect: people have their own problems, and the last thing they need is a friend who demands time and attention instead of supporting with a kind word.

When we figured out the likely causes of loneliness and tried to get rid of illusions about friendship, we will draw up a plan of action. What steps will help you create meaningful relationships with others?

Know yourself

Подумайте над своим характером и впечатлением, которое производите. В первую очередь надо понять, не отталкиваете ли вы людей. Например, можно казаться замкнутым и неприветливым, если:

• часто отклонять приглашения;
• say almost nothing about yourself (usually for fear of appearing talkative);
• overreacting when potential friends do not behave the way we would like;
• избегать зрительного контакта;
• принимать закрытые позы;
• не отрываться от телефона;
• wait for them to come to you;
• вести себя высокомерно;
• сплетничать и болтать что попало;
• do not listen.

Be open to new encounters

Поскольку всякая дружба начинается со знакомства, надо чаще встречаться с людьми. Большинство новых знакомых не станут близкими друзьями, и это нормально. Но если не общаться, шансы найти нескольких знакомых приближаются к нулю. Когда вокруг много людей, может появиться невольное желание от кого-то отделаться. Допустим, решить, что лучше держаться подальше от тех, кто:

• belongs to a different social stratum;
• obsessed with a career;
• зациклен на семье;
• другой расы или национальности;
• too insecure;
• в другом семейном статусе;
• зарабатывает больше/меньше нас и так далее.

Although it’s impossible to guess right away, some of the people on this list may well be among your best friends. Even if you are already in great company, in most cases you should not refuse new acquaintances because of such nonsense. Of course, you don’t have to force yourself to communicate with those who are unpleasant, but flexibility does not interfere with creating strong friendships.

Perhaps, having read up to this point, you thought that there is no one to get rid of because there is no one to date. Fair, especially for those who have long graduated from high school or college. After 25 friends, it becomes less and less, and outside of a school or college hangout it is difficult to do something about it.

Как искать новых знакомых?

• Holidays, parties, gatherings. If you’ve been invited somewhere, go and you’ll see.
• Клубы по интересам. Look for them in your area. So you can not only make acquaintances, but also make friends with those whose hobbies coincide with yours.
• Обучающие мероприятия. Attending a language course or a seminar on, say, financial literacy is a useful way to get to know each other.
• Sports. Another reason to get close to people. Go to the gym, go to fitness, join runners and hikers.
• Walking with the dog. Animals are able to melt the strongest ice of alienation. If you walk with your beloved pet every day at the same time, you can meet dog lovers and find common topics.
• Children. Acquaintance through children is also a great way to make friends. When you take your child to the sports section, to the park, on holidays, there is an opportunity to meet other parents.

Attention! Секты охотятся на одиноких людей, играют на потребности в общении, чтобы завлечь новых последователей. Обычно новичкам оказывают теплый прием и демонстрируют такое неподдельное дружелюбие, какого они не видели. Позже начинают манипулировать, чтобы привязать любой ценой. Будьте осмотрительны, избегайте всего, что напоминает секту.

Develop new relationships

Отношениям нужен уход, только так они могут вырасти в близкую дружбу. Сколько отношений зачахло из-за того, что:

• мы не стараемся поддерживать связь;
• думаем, что другой человек сам позвонит или напишет;
• у нас нет времени;
• we are not sure that they want to see us.

When we overcome the fear of being rejected, we show signs of attention, we take steps towards them, the relationship grows stronger. It is likely that complacent people will become friends. Friendly affection grows gradually, impatience and haste are harmful. If loneliness has become unbearable, it makes sense to contact a specialist who will help you understand the problem and recommend how to find a common language. You may think that such consultants are something like a Japanese service for hiring friends. But they understand the nature of relationships and can give good advice.

Source: psychology.com