«No one owes nothing to nobody!» I stated thirty years ago in How to Treat Yourself and People: A Practical Psychology for Everyday. Since then, an equal number of people have sent me both fiery thanks for this position, which gave them wisdom and peace of mind, and no less fire-breathing claims from those who began to think this way, treat people this way and, as a result, ruined their lives.
I quote the original source:
I wake up early in the morning, I need to quickly get ready: I’m flying on a business trip. I understand that I don’t have time: things are not all collected yet, but it would be nice to have breakfast. My wife is lying, but she could probably get up and help me … I am already ready to express my reproaches to her, but I immediately stop myself: “Does this woman, your beloved wife, owe you something? No. But if you want her to get up and help you, what should you do? “…It’s good to ask her: so that she wants to help you.” And if she gets up and does everything, what will her husband have to say to her? — Thanks. And if he doesn’t get up (“I didn’t get enough sleep, the child didn’t let me sleep all night”), what should the husband do? At least not be offended, and maybe even apologize for the trouble.
I wonder if wives would like to have such husbands? — A husband who will always turn to her only in a kind way, will never reproach her, but will thank her for her help and care from the bottom of her heart? Yes, many people dream of such a husband. But, probably, then husbands would also like to have such wives. Imagine: a husband goes home — and is not afraid to go home, because his wife never swears! Why swear something: after all, he owes her nothing. And always grateful for the good.
Yes, just a husband came home — this is a gift. The appearance of the husband home is a real family holiday!
Cool … So I made a gift for those husbands who dragged themselves home from drinking and announced to their wife that now she had a holiday! It seems that my long-standing mistake is that I always focus on decent people. I am always surrounded by very worthy and decent people, I am used to this environment and somehow, it seems, I forget that most Russians live much more diversely. I write articles, assuming that around you are the same beautiful and worthy people as around me — but this is not always the case?
So, things are a little more complicated. Let’s figure it out?
If you need to ask for help, don’t let the thought «No one owes anything to anyone» stop you. Yes, no one should help you, but many will gladly help you: not because they have to, but because they treat you well. You yourself are also often ready to help, although it seems that you should not? If you use the slogan “I owe nothing to anyone” in order not to take care of anyone and not be responsible for anything, then this is also, as accountants put it, “misuse”. A real man should have his business, and you are responsible for your business. Only small children and adults with the psychology of a child avoid responsibility, while it is an honor for a strong and decent person to take on and be responsible for a lot.
“No one owes anything to anyone” is about something else.
Everything starts from childhood. Once we were small, our parents took care of us. Moreover, it was so natural for us that we put into our subconscious that someone should take care of us, should respond to our needs and respond when we feel bad. This is what my mother did, and we decided that this is how the whole world should behave …
Really, it’s funny?
There is a whole direction in psychology called cognitive-behavioral therapy, the main feature of which is that they explain to their clients over and over again that they are no longer children and believe that they, adults, today their friends, children, owe something , neighbors and the government — is already unreasonable. Inadequate. They have long boring conversations on each specific issue, which is useful, but it seems even simpler and more reasonable (at least for reasonable people) to agree at once in a package: “Childhood is gone. And today no one owes us anything, as adults.”
So? Deal?
But that magic word sounded: «agreed.» Adults know what agreements are. And if you have agreed on something, now you already have to do something. What we agreed on, we must. And if you have not agreed yet, then this is your concern — negotiate.
Let’s look at an example. Suppose a husband wants his wife to stroke his hair. You are a husband. Right away: do you have clear agreements obliging your wife to iron your ues? For some reason, I assume that you do not have such agreements. Most likely, you have certain traditions and the established order of things, according to which your wife usually does this if you have not quarreled with her. So — there are no clear agreements, there are no responsibilities. Your wife should not iron your cu. Not required. But if you ask in advance and kiss her on the cheeks in advance, I’m sure she will stroke your c.u.shki. And even with pleasure. Moreover, she also turns to you with requests, and it is better for close people to be useful to each other.
I don’t even talk about love now. Love does not fall from the sky (at least, you can’t count on it for a long time), but if you created it and support it, your wife will take care of your dollars herself, and stroke them not just, but with pleasure. Just create such a relationship! This is such a job. Can you handle it?
And the last topic is perhaps the most difficult: the topic of exactingness. Warm relationships begin with interest, desire and love, but continue (in smart people) with format and exactingness. You may know inside yourself that “No one owes anything to anyone,” but if you care about long-term relationships and maintaining integrity, then you will definitely take care of the format.
Hurry up, the format is easy to establish at the beginning of a relationship and much more difficult later. When a man courts a woman, at first he is ready for a lot and “building” him is easy. Golden time! While the girl is passionate, she is also amenable to formatting. Later, no more. After — discussion, disassembly, accustoming, which is always longer and more difficult. The format of the relationship must be set initially: it doesn’t matter if we are talking about jealousy, gu.e.sti or egocentrism.
The same with children. If you allowed the children now to respond with a disgruntled “Now!” to your request, then after a while you will encounter a clear disrespect for you. You are obliged to educate them, therefore agree with them that if the mother asks, then the children do. When and if you inspire them that they really should treat their parents with respect, I congratulate you, you have done a great job. And if this is not yet the case, do not be angry, children are not obliged to meet your expectations right away. Nobody promised you an easy life.
Note that I am not saying anything about the prohibition of being angry at children loudly. If suddenly sometime it will be appropriate and add weight to your words — fine, everything is good in the performance of smart people, if only it leads to good, not crooked results. You can suggest to them that they owe it, but that is a suggestion for them, not a belief for you. If you instilled this in them and they believed you, they became obligatory and responsible people — you are great. If not yet and continue to believe that all household chores do not concern them, that they do not owe anything to anyone — do not worry. The world has no obligation to provide you with well-bred children, you have received ordinary wild ones. Inside yourself — smile, thank the world for the gift of children, and again — for the process of education!
The knowledge “No one owes me anything” is the protection of your soul. But when you look at children, think of something else: “What are they supposed to grow up to be like? What can I do for this? ”And go ahead! Do not resign yourself ahead of time! You can do a lot! Don’t give up!
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.