It seems that there is logic in this expression: if resentment is a personal choice, then no one else is responsible for our offended dignity. And yet this principle does not work with everyone and not always. Let’s tell you what’s wrong with him.
Manipulation space
Many psychologists say that resentment is a personal reaction, that you cannot force someone to be offended without his consent. Maybe. But don’t you think that there is some kind of trick here? After all, at least two people are needed to offend: the offender and the victim. And it turns out that the one who was offended is always to blame.
For example, sometimes we are offended involuntarily, falling into the most vulnerable place with a careless word or unsolicited advice. Then it is really better to forgive and forget everything. But what about the insolent and rude? They, too, automatically receive indulgence for all heinous offenses.
And the malicious manipulators who so love to strike on the sly?
For example, when they make snide remarks about our appearance and mental abilities. Or they publicly ask sensitive questions, enjoying our confusion with might and main. In a word, they say and do nasty things with a sweet smile, “on a blue eye.”
They accurately guess who and when to trip. They do it quite consciously, but they will never admit it. “You’re making it all up!” “What’s wrong with that?”, “It’s just a joke.” At best, they will throw a condescending: “Well, I’m sorry.”
The right to experience
Of course, there are people who literally live in a state of chronic resentment. Perhaps, once upon a time, they were so traumatized that now they suspect everyone around them of wanting to harm them and accept even completely innocent statements with hostility. Or they “turn on” this state in order to attract attention: they purse their lips, are indicatively silent, sigh heavily and wipe their eyes.
But we are talking about those situations in which we are directly told that it is ridiculous, ridiculous and wrong to be offended. “Spit and forget”, “Pay no attention! “Be above it!” When we are denied the right to be offended. In other words, they devalue what we experience by shifting the blame for our feelings onto us.
Based on the notorious “No one offends us, except ourselves”, it is better to swallow insults and pretend that nothing happened
A spouse humiliates in front of children, a partner brazenly lies, a colleague is rude in the face, friends gathered in a cheerful company and didn’t even call – let it be. We chose to be above it!
Only rarely does anyone manage to achieve this level of serenity. Many simply suppress the ingredients of resentment: anger, bitterness, sadness, despair, disappointment, shame, self-pity. But no matter how much you pretend that everything is in order, unlived emotions will not disappear like smoke. One day they will remind of themselves – a nervous breakdown, depression or illness.
The benefits of resentment
In fact, resentment is a natural and necessary reaction. It arises in response to injustice, insults, aggression, rudeness, deceived expectations. We feel bad and hurt, there is a lump in our throat, tears come, we want to run away or … fight back! Resentment says: it is impossible with us! First we ourselves realize this, and then others around us.
It is useful to understand why someone’s words or actions hurt us so much – this is another reason to think about relationships and change something in ourselves. But if you feel someone’s aggression or manipulation, talk about it directly and show the offender to the door.
Don’t harbor resentment. If you don’t want to, don’t substantiate or prove anything. You were offended, and it doesn’t matter if it happened by accident or by calculation. The important thing is that you are entitled to this feeling.