Jealousy of the elder: an almost essential step

The arrival of a second child once again changes the family order, because the first child, then unique, sees himself becoming a big brother or big sister. When she arrives, not only does the mother pay less attention to the older child, but at the same time she tends to be more restrictive and strict towards him.¹. Even if it is not systematic², the fact that the parents’ attention is no longer exclusively focused on the first child but on the newborn can cause frustration and anger in the elder to the point of thinking that he is no longer loved by his parents. He can then adopt aggressive attitudes towards the baby, or immature behaviors in order to attract attention. Overall, the child shows less affection towards his mother and may become disobedient. He may even have regressive behaviors, such as not being clean or starting to ask for the bottle again, but this is especially true in cases where the child has acquired these behaviors shortly before the baby’s arrival (a few weeks to some months). All this is the manifestation of the jealousy of the child. This is a normal behavior, very often observed, especially in young children under 5 years old.³.

How to prevent and calm the jealousy of the elder?

To prevent the reactions of jealousy of the first child, it is essential to announce the future birth to him, trying to be as positive and reassuring as possible about this change. It is about valuing their new responsibilities, and the activities they can share when the baby grows up. It’s important to be understanding about his jealousy reactions, which means not getting angry, so that he doesn’t feel even more punished. However, firmness is required as soon as he shows too much aggression towards the baby, or that he persists in his regressive behaviors. The child must feel reassured, that is to say that he must be explained that, despite everything, he is still loved, and prove to him by arranging moments of exclusive complicity with him. Finally, you have to be patient: 6 to 8 months are necessary for the child to finally accept the arrival of the baby.

B.Volling, Family Transitions Following the Birth of a Sibling: An Empirical Review of Changes in the Firstborn’s Adjustment, Mother-child relationships, Psychol Bull, 2013 Ibid., Concluding Remarks and Future Directions, Psychol Bull, 2013 Ibid., Psychol Bull, 2013