New sexual roles: gender — an unknown quantity?

Of course, there are young people with more freedom of morals, and there are «terrifyingly heterosexual.» But in general, there are no taboos. Once upon a time, their mothers and even grandmothers fought for the freedom of sex. Today’s generation has grown up with the feeling that there is no other way, and the variety of sexual roles and identities will not surprise them. However, 40% of young people at the same time remain virgins, explaining this by the fact that they do not want to «start like this.»

Most recently, in October, New York Magazine decided to interview 700 students from various American universities about their sex lives and give them without comment or correction. To avoid moralizing and because it’s more interesting. Sometimes they talk like Beavis and Butt-head, and at the same time draw conclusions like sages. We will present some of them¹.

• How sexually liberated are you?
• What do your sexual fantasies say about you?

An asexual is happy with another asexual. A freshman earns a striptease in front of a webcam, but she is terribly complex and does not dare to meet anyone. An ordinary boy does not dare to kiss a girl until the last moment and sees a catch in his “normality” (his mother recently turned out to be a lesbian). Two gay men live together, but only as friends and roommates. The girl gives her friend a collar and they practice BDSM like a real couple, but it’s just a game and she has a real boyfriend. A fan of queer theory, in which there is both a male and female part, and therefore it is necessary to address him not “he”, but “they”, lives with an ordinary girl and is not interested in guys. Cute girls wake up next to some cute guys, say adios to them and they are terribly bored…

• «My daughter loves girls»

Rebecca striptease online and shy about her body

“I started doing cumming (webcam striptease) last summer before I came here. A few of my friends did it, and I decided to try it too. In the beginning, the motivation was money, but then I found that I liked it. After that I felt good. People text you and ask you to do something. I’m not going to make as much money as those who are willing to do everything. My girlfriend made $300 in a week, I made a hundred. Sometimes I remember that I’m still a virgin, sometimes it’s somewhere in the background.

I feel bad when my friends start talking about their sex life and I have nothing to say. It’s not easy, because actually I have a lot of experience in this — only without the physical part. When it comes to actually experiencing it, in reality with someone, I get really scared. I have little confidence in my body and I’m worried that maybe people don’t like big girls. So I never really know if it’s me or the guys or what. My body just sort of closes, slams shut, and I step back.”

When Grace, a lesbian, met Straight Grace

“My girlfriend’s name is also Grace, just like me. In my freshman year, when I saw her, I thought, “Wow, this girl is so pretty. I hope she’s a lesbian.» I asked a friend, he said no. Then, in May, I accidentally hit her with my car. I tweeted to her, “I’m sorry, I almost ran you over. Is there anything I can do for you?» We began to walk with her every day, and during the holidays, when she went home to her place in Greece, we chatted a lot on Skype.

She complained to me about the guys who invited her there on dates. Her former classmates. And I say something like: “You know, you need to get out of your comfort zone,” I mean, start dating other guys. And she told me: «Well, I thought about it, let’s try if you want.» That’s the plot twist.»

Charlie who couldn’t figure out who he was

“For all my studies here, I kissed four people, but remained a virgin. The first time I had sex was last summer, with my friend Kristin. We have been friends with her since we were 14 years old. We are both members of the student society for the reconstruction of medieval battles.

My parents also studied at Barda. I have known what sex is since I could say the word. Nothing was ever hidden from me. My mom is a lesbian, but she fell in love with my dad and married him, and then she realized that it didn’t work.

I considered myself asexual for a long time. Then I decided that I didn’t want any labels. I just decided to be discreet in love. I don’t deny the fact that I can meet and love a man. But somehow it turns out that I’m probably straight — traditional orientation. Because all this time it turned out that I was only attracted to women. I used to be afraid that maybe I was hiding something from myself, that maybe I was really a boy who was afraid to admit to himself that he was gay? I thought there was definitely something wrong with me.

When I finally had sex, it was…damn, I thought it was like a step I could take to be closer to someone I care about. I knew for sure that it was mine, that I was ready for it. Kristen and I flirted with each other for the first two days of this medieval holiday, we were in ancient clothes, in armor, with spears and weapons. We participated in jousting tournaments. In the evenings, it all turned into one long party with free alcohol. The whole holiday lasted two weeks. One evening I thought: okay, well, to hell with him, let’s see what happens. And kissed her. On the last night of the holiday, we had sex, right on the battlefield, under the stars. It was cool».

• Teenagers and sexuality

Nina and pickup rules

“When I came here to study, at first it was an endless parade of jokes, who would have to get laid with whom. “No boundaries! Take whoever you want.» The guys think it’s enough, you know, to roll up to the bar, put a glass in your hand and say something like, «Hey, you’re pretty.» I went through this phase and towards the end it really annoyed me. Once I went with such a boy. More for fun. I was kind of drunk and we went to his place because his roommate wasn’t there. We fucked, and then I didn’t think about it at all. I’m not one of those who immediately think: «Now we’re dating him,» I don’t care. But then one day I met him with some friends and I waved to him — well, just like that — and he just stared at me, and then turned to his friends and asked: “Who is this?” and they’re like, «I don’t know. Who is this? Why is she waving at you? And I’m like, «Okay, everything’s fine.»

What I’ve learned is that no one wants a relationship. And when I once kissed Hunter, we have been together ever since. And no one else.»

• What are our sexual fantasies about?

Tyler and Sia, bondage best friends

Tyler: Sia and I once watched a documentary on Hulu that opened our eyes to the world of BDSM. Then last spring I met a girl who earns her living by being a dominatrix. Since then, I have been experimenting with my boundaries. I love trying new things but have never been in a real session. So it doesn’t really hurt me. When I’m with Sia, it’s more like a role play.

Sia: In my freshman year, I wore a Halloween dominatrix costume. I was inspired by the Agent Provocateur campaign. I was wearing black underwear, a red wig, I was in heels and with a whip in my hand. You have to start somewhere! For my last birthday, Tyler gave me a Good Girl Domination Manual and a dog leash. I gave him a dog collar and a gag.

Tyler: We love to pretend we’re a real couple to spice things up. One of the fantasies we play out is a professor and a student. Or I play a businessman and she plays my wife who spends too much money. We also love to go to leather shops and sex shops to learn all about gear and toys. We both took a bonding class. When I am connected correctly, I feel safe.

Sia: We document everything and post photos on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia). I love to dominate with Tyler because in my actual sexual relationship with my boyfriend, I don’t have that role.

• Loving … two

Christina and Fred don’t feel anything for each other

Christina: We didn’t know each other before, but I remember how at parties I always thought: “How cute he is!” Then we met through Tinder.

Fred: This was my first date. I’m not one of those guys who get acquainted on the Internet, I don’t have that ability. I have two degrees in economics and neuroscience, I’m pretty clumsy and I’m not very good at writing messages.

Christina: Then we went to him, and then in the morning we had sex again.

Fred: We have thin walls and everyone knows if anyone has had sex.

Christina: Then I collapsed to my girlfriend right in yesterday’s clothes, we smoked and told each other everything that happened last night. I really felt very good.

Fred: I think the next morning Kristin texted me: «It’s got to happen again.»

Christina: And we’ve been meeting with him ever since. It’s very cool and easy. Only for sex. Of course, we talk to him and go out somewhere, but I do not feel any obligations towards him and absolutely no affection. This is one of the most amazing things I can do in college now that I have never done at home. Our family is Catholic and very conservative. Of course, I had sex at school, but sometimes I felt some kind of guilt. I am bisexual.

Fred: I think I don’t consider Christine my girlfriend, and she doesn’t consider me her boyfriend. I think it’s good to sleep with anyone, it’s just great, especially for girls. Being ashamed of it is the worst thing that can be, because then people will have less sex, which is terrible.

Christina: I’m currently dating Fred and this girl, Sarah. I just rotate a few people and it’s so good. I never felt before that I could do what I want and make the decisions I want. And it’s cool.

• Love that reveals us

Selby likes to live without commitment

“I don’t know if you can say that I’m promiscuous, but I’m definitely not the type to value relationships. I’m more interested in hunting. I’m in bed with this guy a couple of weeks ago and I’m so bored. 7 am. He’s so cute, so I don’t want to wake him up and all that. I take my cell phone and write to my girlfriends who are also here in the house. And all three answer me: “Yeah. Boring. Boy in bed. What am I even doing here? Let’s go for a walk.» And we went downstairs to the living room, all four of us drinking gatorade and talking about our night. And all these guys sleep in our beds. And I say: “I want to eat. Let’s go buy some sandwiches for breakfast.» And we leave them in the house — most of them are obviously for one night, so we don’t even ask them if they want anything. I wanted to stick a sticker on one of their foreheads, but then I thought, oh well. They guess. We finished our sandwiches, went into the house, fell asleep again, and then woke up next to our boys. It was one of my best weekends. You eat your breakfast sandwich, then you have morning sex, and then you’re like, adios.»

• How are roles distributed in a homosexual couple?

Darcy met the non-binary Leor, who should be called «they»

Lesson: We met two months ago when we first entered the university. We went from good friends to very good friends, but also with a physical relationship.

Leor: I liked her». We think alike. And we joke a lot.

Lesson: I used to think I was straight, but now that Leon is nonbinary, I need to think about it more. Use the correct pronouns: say not “he” but “they” and be mindful of a lot of little things – don’t call him “handsome” because that adjective refers to males and is gendered.

Leor: I’ve mostly slept with people who identified as women, because it’s very difficult in university to be queer, someone who doesn’t define themselves by gender. I have a share of male and female, and I am attracted to all people. Although I don’t have sex with men, it’s more about kissing and hugging.

Lesson: We consider ourselves exclusive, but we have not yet given our connection a name, we have not put a label on it. They (Lheor) are very monogamous, so I feel comfortable with Them. It’s nice to have those around you who feel safe with Kemi.

¹ «Heirs to the Sexual Revolution,» New York Magazine, online publication October 18.