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Ask, but do not order or demand
To achieve cooperation means to instill in children the desire to listen to your requests and fulfill them. The first step is to learn how to give orders most effectively. Hard orders don’t work here. Judge for yourself: if at work someone commanded you at every step, would you like it? And a child’s day is full of endless instructions. It is not surprising that mothers continually complain that their children do not obey them. And you yourself would perceive a person who constantly saws you?
A child’s day is full of orders, for example: put toys away, don’t leave things anywhere, don’t talk to your brother in that tone, don’t touch your sister, lace up your shoes, zip up, brush your teeth, turn off the TV, go to dinner, fill up your gas tank, finish your vegetables, eat with a fork, don’t mess with your food, stop talking, tidy up your room, be quiet, make up your bed, go to bed immediately, take your little sister by the hand, walk calmly — don’t run, stop making noise — and so on, endlessly. Even the parents themselves get tired of pushing the child all the time — and he simply does not perceive their voices. Constant orders lead to the fact that the channels of communication overlap.
Positive parenting suggests replacing orders, demands, and prodding with requests. Wouldn’t you rather your boss (or life partner) ask rather than tell? In this case, you would have carried out his orders much more willingly. The same goes for your child. This is a very simple change, but it takes a lot of practice. Instead of saying, «Brush your teeth,» say, «Will you brush your teeth?» Instead of saying, «Don’t hit your brother,» say, «Please don’t hit your brother.»
Use the formula “Do it please” instead of “Can you do…?”
To encourage a person to cooperate, you need to express your desires as directly and clearly as possible.
Try for a moment to imagine yourself as a child who hears the following requests: “Can you calm down and go to bed?” or «Calm down, please, and go to bed.» At first glance, it seems that the phrase «Can’t you …» sounds more polite. “Calm down, please, and go to bed” sounds more authoritarian, commanding. However, if you think about it, you will feel that in the words “Could you …” there is a hidden order: “I ask in a good way, but it would be better for you to obey, otherwise …” Then, looking more closely at “Calm down, please, and go to bed”, you will see that this phrase is just an invitation to cooperation. If a person wants to object — please.
These small differences in wording make a huge difference, especially when dealing with little boys. The formula «Can’t you…» is also the least effective when referring to men. Women avoid asking for anything, and if they ask, they often do it in an indirect form. And children, even more than men, need the request to be expressed directly.
The words “Could you…” are confusing and ultimately discourage the child from any desire to cooperate. You are a parent. You wouldn’t ask a child if you didn’t think he could do what you’re asking. When you say, «Can you turn off the TV?» – then you don’t really try to find out if your son or your daughter knows how to turn off the TV. You just want the child to turn off the TV, but at the same time put a hint in your words that there is no good reason for him not to turn it off.
Avoid rhetorical questions
Rhetorical questions are even worse than the formula “Can you…?” They are appropriate when you want to highlight a point in a polemical presentation, but they are extremely counterproductive if you are trying to get someone to cooperate. Each such question implies some hidden message. In parenting, hidden messages usually contain an accusation that the father or mother is unwilling to state directly and masks under a rhetorical question. Many mothers are not even aware that they are expressing negative feelings, but if they look deeper into their souls, they will easily find them.
Women especially often use rhetorical questions to encourage their children to obey. When a mother wants her child to clean the room, instead of just saying, “Please clean the room” or “Will you clean the room?” — she asks a rhetorical question with some hint of accusation and condemnation — «Why is the room such a mess?». Let’s look at a few examples:
Rhetorical question: Why is the room such a mess?
Possible hidden message: You should have tidied up the room. You are bad. You’re lazy. You don’t listen to me, etc.
Rhetorical question: When will you finally grow up?
Possible hidden message: You’re acting like a kid. I’m ashamed of you. You are a big baby. It’s time to behave differently.
By avoiding rhetorical questions that precede the request, parents increase the chances of obtaining cooperation from the child. Otherwise, children simply stop listening. Rhetorical questions are an ineffective technique in communication. In addition to not having an effect on the child, these questions do not allow parents to realize their responsibility for the negative messages contained in their words. And if we are not aware of the negative messages that we put into speech, then we cannot understand why children shy away from cooperating with us.
Speak directly
One of the most important skills that mothers need to learn is to learn how to speak directly, especially when dealing with boys. Women often express their dissatisfaction without making requests directly. It’s like fishing in the desert. They leave themselves very little chance of getting the desired reaction. Here are some examples of indirect statements:
Negative statement: Children, you are too noisy.
Implied order: Be quiet.
Negative statement: Your room is a mess again.
Implied order: Tidy up the room.
In each of the examples, the parent tries to encourage the child to take certain actions by drawing his attention to the problem, but does not ask for anything. Often the child is not even aware of the request behind such words and only stares blankly into the space in front of him. To get an immediate response, you need to make a direct request, without negative expressions. Paying attention to the misdeeds and blunders of the child, you will not get cooperation from him. Let’s now look at how these negative statements can be reformulated into an effective request.
Refuse to explain
So, to encourage children to cooperate, replace orders and demands with requests. Also, don’t explain to them why you are asking for something. Many well-intentioned experts advise you to explain to children why you need to perform a particular action. This approach is inefficient. By explaining your position to your child in order to justify the request, you thereby concede your parental authority. You are confusing the child. So many well-meaning parents try to convince their children to follow their instructions instead of just reminding them that they have every right to resist, but mom and dad are in charge.
No need to say, “Will you brush your teeth? It’s time to go to bed: tomorrow you have a difficult day. Just say, «Will you brush your teeth?» Keep your explanations to yourself. Resisting the will of their parents, children most often challenge the rationale. If you do not give reasons, then the child has fewer reasons to argue.
Often men have to deal with wordy requests from women. Women usually give lengthy reasons why a man should do such and such, while he would prefer that the request be made short. The more a woman talks about the reasons why he should do something, the more resistance matures in him. The same applies to the child: the shorter you formulate the request, the more willingly he will cooperate with you.
If you want your baby to understand why he should go to bed, explain this to him later, after he fulfills your request. When the child is lying under the covers, you can tell him: “I am so pleased with you. You brushed your teeth very well. Now you will have time to sleep well, and tomorrow you will be fresh as a cucumber. Tomorrow you and I have a lot to do, and a sound sleep will give you strength. After a child has done something well, he is much more receptive to a little conversation.
Most parents have conversations specifically to get their child to obey when they resist or after they do something bad or make a mistake. Such an approach only exacerbates feelings of guilt or dissatisfaction with oneself and ultimately discourages the child’s natural desire to cooperate.
Skip lectures
Lectures on what is good and what is bad are even less effective than explanations. It is inappropriate to say, “It is not good to beat a brother. In general, fighting is bad. Please stop now.» Besides sounding contrived and unnatural, these words just don’t work. Of course, you should establish certain rules and policies in the family — but not in order to motivate the child’s actions. If lectures about what is good and what is bad are aimed at motivating certain behavior, the child loses the desire to cooperate and instead tries to figure out what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong. Children under nine years old are not yet ready for such complex puzzles, and after nine they simply do not listen to such lectures.
Children and teenagers should only be lectured when they ask for it. Many parents complain that their children do not talk to them. The main reason is that such parents give too much advice and give too many lectures. Especially strong rejection of lectures occurs in a child if the father or mother uses them to induce him to do something or explain why he is wrong. In these cases, lectures are not only useless, but lead to the opposite results. Here is an example of such a lecture:
«Your brother didn’t mean to hit you. You were just playing and he accidentally bumped into you. To resolve a misunderstanding, one should use words, not fists. By hitting him, you only exacerbated the problem. Now, if a high school student hit you at school, would it be good? In the same way, you act badly when you beat your brother. Instead of fighting, talk to him. You should not use your fists, but tell him: “I don’t like it when you hit me, stop it, please.” If this does not work the first time, you need to repeat your words. Remember: you must not fight. You can always find another way. Sometimes you just need to leave, showing him that you do not like his behavior. If you just like wrestling, we can go to a wrestling match someday or I’ll buy boxing gloves for you and me. It is very useful to be able to protect yourself in case there is no other way out, but it is not good to fight with a brother. You both know how to use words and you can always turn to me for help … So never fight with your brother again.
No matter how good and useful all this information is, if the child himself did not ask for advice, your words will only cause resistance in him.
Don’t try to manipulate with your feelings
Feelings should be shared with equals. Identifying your feelings and sharing them with others is a very important art; but teaching it to a child with remarks like «I feel» is a mistake. The authors of many books recommend that parents always tell their children about their feelings. Although they give this advice out of the best of intentions, but such tactics only hinder the establishment of cooperation with the child.
So, parents are usually advised to establish cooperation with the following simple formula:
When A, I feel B because I want C.
For example: “When you climb a tree, I am afraid that you will fall. I want you to cry.»
Or: “When you hit your brother, I get angry because I want you not to fight and live together.”
This and similar formulas are good for teaching children to communicate their feelings to each other, and for communication between adults. Such formulas are not suitable for the exchange of feelings between representatives of different generations. When the parents who are in charge of the family share their negative emotions with their children in order to encourage them to behave in a certain way, the children begin to feel too much responsibility for the mood of the parents. As a result, the child either feels guilty about the afflictions of adults and tries to adapt to their wishes, or comes to the conclusion that he is being manipulated and resists the will of the parents. Do not share negative emotions with children. It is not good for the “main” to put himself on the same level as the child. By talking about your negative feelings, you lose a lot of control over the situation and lose the power to seek cooperation.
Parents who share their feelings with their children are surprised: “Why is the child so violently resisting my authority?” Eventually, when these children reach puberty, they stop talking to their parents altogether. Many adult men hate it when their wives talk about their feelings, precisely because in childhood their mothers manipulated them through feelings. A striking example here is the statement of a mother or father: “When you do this and that, it upsets me very much. (After all, I have to work so hard for your well-being, and you don’t even try to meet me.) I want you to do as I say. Such a child has only two ways: either to consider himself bad, or not to pay attention to the words of the parent. There is nothing good in either the first or the second option.
If an adult is upset about something and wants to share his feelings, he needs to seek understanding and reassurance from another adult. It is not good to seek emotional support from children. It is clear that sharing positive feelings with children is great, but negative feelings will be perceived as a form of manipulation and will only meet with resistance.
Some parents believe that the words «I’m very angry» should somehow encourage the child to cooperate. Of course, these words will make the child quiet to some extent, but his reaction will be based on fear, and gradually his natural desire to give in to your desires will disappear. When parents manipulate their children with feelings, some children do respond with obedience, but not the will to cooperate. And many other children — especially boys — simply cease to perceive their parents. They do not listen to you and even avoid making eye contact.
Many parents use expressions like «I feel» to teach children to become more aware of their own feelings. This is best done not at those moments when you are trying to encourage the child to do certain actions. The best time to do this is when they ask how you feel or if you have ever felt the way they do.
The magic word to get cooperation
So, when you make a request, you need to be short, positive, direct, and use the formula “Please do…” or “Would you…?” There is one more trick left. The most powerful magic word to achieve cooperation is the word «come on.»
Until the age of nine, children usually still have a very weakly formed sense of their own «I». By constantly commanding a child, you are building a wall between yourself and your son or daughter instead of strengthening the natural bond that exists between parents and children.
Whenever possible, invite your children to participate in activities with you. Even when you ask the child to complete a specific task, for example: “Will you clean the room?” — preface your request with a phrase like: «Let’s get ready for the party.» If your request becomes part of an invitation to a joint activity, children are more willing to cooperate.