Do you often promise yourself to change? Start eating right, exercising, spending less time on social networks? How many times have you tried to start a new life from Monday and how many of these Mondays have already been? Psychologist Dmitry Nabatov explains what makes it difficult to start life from scratch.
Trying to change something in ourselves, we often meet internal resistance. It can be laziness, or ingenious excuses, or a sudden breakdown. Why is this happening?
At such moments, when we give ourselves the word to embark on the path of change, a struggle between two parts begins inside. One part craves change, the other wants to leave everything as it is. In Gestalt therapy, these parts are called «underdog» and «overhead dog». “Dog on top” is a part learned from parents, it requires us to become better, to constantly improve. Underdog resists these changes and offers new excuses.
The so-called paradoxical theory of change helps to reconcile both parts. Its essence is to accept in ourselves those character traits and qualities that we consider “negative”, for example, laziness.
Change happens when we finally become ourselves, without trying to appear or become someone else.
When we scold ourselves for shortcomings, it takes away the lion’s share of internal energy. Thus, self-criticism deprives us of strength and drives us into a state of depression. Confident in our own inadequacy, we begin to reproach ourselves for impotence… And so on in a circle.
To stop this, you need to stop focusing on shortcomings and scolding yourself for them. The paradoxical theory of change states that change occurs when we finally become ourselves, without trying to appear or become someone else.
Do an experiment: put a rubber band on your hand and every time you start scolding or shaming yourself for imperfection, pull it back and lightly slap your hand. This will help stop the flow of internal criticism and self-flagellation. After a week of experiment, you will notice that there are more internal forces.
Other steps to help deal with resistance
1. Try not to scold yourself for your shortcomings, but to figure out why you are not able to achieve the desired changes.
What stops or scares you? Perhaps you are asking yourself too much, too quickly or too radically? Maybe you just need more time and preparation to implement your plan?
2. Take small steps.
If you want to change your diet, introduce healthy foods little by little, gradually replacing unhealthy foods with them. When it comes to an active lifestyle, start with a daily five-minute workout and increase each week.
Every person is a system. The more we try to change ourselves, the more another part of us resists.
3. Sometimes it can be helpful to figure out what is pushing you in the direction of change.
Is this your decision? Perhaps this choice is imposed on you from the outside — by parents, friends, advertising? Try to be critical of the trends of the modern world and listen to your own desires and needs.
It is important to remember: each person is a system. The more we try to change ourselves, the more another part of us resists, pushing us back. In psychology, this phenomenon is described by the Yerkes-Dodson law: the more actively we motivate ourselves, the higher the level of internal tension, which reduces our ability to act. Therefore, it is important to find the best motivation options for yourself so as not to burn out.
If you can’t figure out on your own what the cause of internal resistance is, you should contact a psychologist: he will help you change your attitude towards yourself, and only then find out the reasons that stop you on the path to change.