Even 50 years ago, the reins of power in raising children were completely in the hands of the mother, but today everything has changed. There is a new generation of fathers who are ready to take parental leave and do not want to be content with a supporting role. Educator Margrit Stamm introduces the term «new fathers» and recommends reconsidering views on the distribution of parental responsibilities.
What is the difference between the “new fathers” and the traditional ones? According to Margriet Stamm, this term is relatively vague. However, after a series of studies, she hypothesized that one cannot determine whether a father is good or bad, based only on the amount of time that he devotes to the daily life of the family. Such fathers invest more in upbringing and education than previous generations. Strain voiced the idea that, even while away from home, the father contributes to the development of the child — in the long term. And the questions come to the fore: what does it have to do with children? What is the responsibility of the family? How are responsibilities shared between parents?
Among the men who participated in the study, about 70 percent consider themselves new fathers. Even 20 years ago, there were only a few percent of those. Some participants identified themselves in words as new, but in behavior they manifested themselves differently. In fact, they wanted to «settle accounts» with their own fathers, to be better than them. “Becoming a mother, I planned to do things my way. And today, children sometimes blame me for what I accused my parents of,” says Professor Stamm.
It’s time for mothers to change
New fathers cannot become full fathers without new mothers. “In my book, I try to shed light on the role of the mother. Women are not just victims, overwhelmed by family concerns, they are fixated on the model of a good mother. They want their father to live up to their standards, to act like a junior partner. But I am convinced that children will not succeed if fathers try to become second mothers. They are already allowed to nurse the child, swaddle him, feed him and behave femininely. Children develop more harmoniously when they feel security and courage, that is, the female and male parts, ”explains the professor.
This means that society and time also expect changes from mothers.
A narrow view of fathers
In her research in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, Professor Stamm has repeatedly complained about the one-sided concept of fatherhood, which fixes visible achievements and hides other equally important aspects of fatherhood.
“In the German-speaking world, the hours of the physical presence of the father are mainly taken into account. Whereas the Anglo-American study focuses on fathers’ invisible contributions: Bringing a decent wage at the end of the month is also a form of child care! There are other indirect forms of family work: filing taxes or repairs, checking bills and ordering housekeeping services, researching the media, shopping for goods and products, maintaining social contacts with other children and their parents, participating in school affairs. Stamm says.
There are women who claim to have become parents exclusively for themselves.
A narrow view of the function of fathers emerged in the 1960s and 1970s. In those years, the cult of the mother was actually created. First of all, thanks to the theory of early attachment by the British child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. It is believed that a woman is more loaded, and men are a lazy sex, because many have a one-sided view of the very concept of home and family work.
“Most of the time in our study was spent on clarifying one question: what counts as home and family work, and who does it more than others? Only gradually did it dawn on me that I had a one-sided view. I am convinced that we need to rethink the work of care, then the balance changes and we get a new basis for discussion.”
In researching views on paternity, Professor Stamm faced several prejudices. For example, the biologically based belief that a mother is inherently a more caring person and therefore better suited to care for a child. A father can learn this, but it takes too long. So the mother would rather do it herself. In the Modern Fathers study, 60 percent of men said that role sharing was never discussed in their partnership. It turned out that there are women who claim to have become parents exclusively for themselves and actually block fathers, taking complete control over the child.
Salvation is not at work
Surprisingly, the value of a child has recently increased: families are becoming small, and all the attention of parents is given to one offspring. “Statistics show that over the past 15 years, mothers have added eight hours to childcare, and fathers three hours. They say to themselves, “You are the architects of a child’s brain. So do not miss anything, stimulate and promote the offspring! Parents take this very seriously, and men try to catch up on the weekend with everything they missed during the week due to lack of time.
New fathers today attach great importance to the emotional value of the family. They come out of the shadows: they want to participate in the life of the child in the same way that mothers have for a long time participated.
“Young fathers often say that emotional peace in the family is very important to them. The prevailing professional competition and the professional insecurity associated with it provokes a search for security and warmth. This, at least in part, explains why the family has become something of an opposite pole in the harsh competitive professional world. Of course, we are talking about finances. Can I afford to enjoy the emotional warmth of the family and bring less money home? Then it turns out that a woman should earn more so that the general budget does not suffer. And this needs to be negotiated. Unfortunately, this is discussed too rarely.”
The traditional male role of the strict head of the family is disappearing today. It is less and less common to see a distorted picture of family well-being: a father who is absent all the time, who escapes from the family hustle and bustle by running away to work. Many men are trying to be more present at home. What will a good father look like in the future?
Fathers claim their half of parental territory
“A good father is one who is not only ready to go on parental leave, to spend the weekend with him. It is, above all, someone who cares in the long run. He pays equal attention to both his professionalism and caring for his family. New fathers and mothers teach their sons to care and integrate male competencies into their upbringing. Close connection with children, kinship, even when children grow up. It’s more than just being in the family. But what the new father will definitely not do is imitate the mother, because the children are already overprotected, ”the professor predicts.
But, if the fathers claim their half of the parental territory, how to divide the time? There is no such thing as a good or right family employment model. How many families, so many options. “Rather, one should rely on alternative models that take into account different lifestyles and economic conditions,” recommends Prof. Stamm. — Sometimes it may be better for a man to work less for some time, his working day was shorter, in another period — a woman. Couples should be able to choose between different options without being stigmatized.”
The model of equal partners creates additional tension, brings more conflicts and disputes in pairs. We need to spend more time negotiating the distribution of responsibilities. But it is precisely this model, according to Margret Stamm, that strengthens relationships in the long term, both in a couple and in the family as a whole.
Source: psychologie-heute.de