“Neither friend nor foe”: how toxic friendship poisons our lives

Everyone has disagreements with friends. And this is completely normal, because we can discuss everything, draw the necessary conclusions and calmly communicate further. This is what a healthy relationship looks like.

A toxic relationship is a permanent conflict that is never resolved. Like a slow-acting poison, it corrodes us from the inside, and this inevitably affects our mental and physical condition. That kind of friendship is exhausting. Only it is not so easy to stop it, especially in adulthood, when there are no friends.

“Cherishing a few friends, whatever they may be, is one of the mechanisms of self-preservation. He makes us turn a blind eye to their negative qualities so as not to cut off old ties, ”explains psychotherapist Javier Moreira.

His colleague Gina Handley-Schmitt believes that formalities also make it difficult to end toxic friendships. Such people are literally woven into our lives: common acquaintances, we live in the neighborhood, children study in the same class. “We fear that a breakup is bound to complicate things, and so we agree to tolerate destructive relationships. But the constant violation of boundaries will have to pay with emotional balance.

So how do toxic friends harm us?

1. Transfer from a sick head to a healthy one

For example, they get offended for no reason. You are lost in conjectures, the first to start looking for ways to reconcile, because you do not want to quarrel forever. However, the friend does not return calls and messages, and when you finally break through the wall of ignorance, he simply says: “Leave me alone!” If this is repeated repeatedly, most likely he has difficulties with trust and the friend suspects that everyone around wishes him harm.

2. Somehow always stay right

Admit your mistake? No way, even if it’s obvious. Such people invariably find an excuse for any of their actions, do not repent and do not blush. It is useless for them to prove something, they stubbornly insist that it was you who got it all mixed up and misunderstood.

3. Criticize everything

Toxic personalities are masters at putting others down. What for? From the outside it looks like an inflated conceit, but behind it lies a desperate self-doubt. Low self-esteem makes them assert themselves at the expense of others, and this really makes them feel better. However, waves of negativity pour out on you, which cannot but affect your mental health.

4. Friendship with them is like playing with one goal.

As a rule, they do not respect those who value them – they simply use them for personal gain. Yes, and in healthy relationships there are “distortions” when one of us needs more support and attention. But one way or another, a balance must be maintained. It is unfair if one only knows what he is giving and the other is receiving.

5. Think you’re not doing enough

Even if you climb out of your skin. Toxic friends are constantly unhappy and demand more without giving anything in return. Moreover, they try to impose shame and guilt on you for not living up to their expectations. As a result, you go against your conscience and sacrifice your principles just to please them.

6. They prevent you from being yourself.

You always feel uncomfortable around such people. You seem to be pulled by the strings and forced to behave completely unnaturally: you feel constrained, droop, do not say what you would certainly say in a different situation. In a word, you are not comfortable, which clearly indicates the toxicity of the relationship.

7. Bring you to the state of a squeezed lemon

If you are exhausted all the time, especially after talking with a specific person, it means that he destroys your psyche. This is not about temporary misunderstandings, but about the fact that you are physically ill in his presence. Maybe it’s the constant nitpicking. Or it depresses you that you are pushed around. That is, everything has gone so far that you are ready to run away from this person to distant lands, if only he would leave you alone.

8. Do not allow to stop communication

Not openly, of course. But because of their behavior, you cannot decide to take this step, worrying about the possible consequences. Or you feel guilty. Most likely, the reason is gaslighting: your feelings are systematically discounted and assured that you made it all up. Therefore, you are tormented by doubts: maybe you should not leave a friend?

How to end a toxic friendship

First of all, advises psychotherapist Lisa Seid, admit that this friendship threatens your mental health: “Knowledge is power, as hackneyed as it sounds. Everything can change if we acknowledge the problem.”

If you want to end a destructive relationship, be adamant. Be clear about the reason for your decision, and at the same time remind you of your boundaries. If they are not respected, it’s time to cross the person off your friend list and go to the people you feel good with. Talking to real friends and loved ones is always a great idea. At least in order to remember what a normal relationship can be.