Natalie Portman: «I don’t try to act right»

I saw her just as close three years ago. Something in her has changed. Something has definitely changed. No, she is still the same small, still the same porcelain, still the same smiling. For all that, there was never any puppetry in her — she was always too meaningful for this, too thoughtful, too receptive. But now there was some kind of … recklessness — that’s the right word. A girl from a good family with a history, a Harvard honors student and a «golden head» with a degree in child psychology, a movie star and the face of Dior, a charmer and a perfectionist who managed to keep her personal life, as they say, paparazzi-free, she was always restrained, balanced and polite , did not allow extreme assessments and, in general, any harsh formulations. And now she has lightness instead of her former precision, determination instead of perfectionism, elegance instead of girlish sweet beauty. In gestures — speed instead of the former unhurried smoothness. In facial expressions — seriousness instead of a polite half-smile. And in clothes — minimalist black instead of the old sentimental pastel colors. She entered the Starbucks on Broadway near Columbia University in the 110th Street area where we have an appointment, throwing open the door decisively and flashing black glasses, black rubber boots and a black quilted down coat (very waisted, with feminine frills on the side) . The New York winter sun reflected in her hair like oil, and I thought: after all, this Natalie Portman is a brilliant girl!

Psychologies: The last two years in your life are full of big events. You starred in one of the most interesting films of recent years — Black Swan — and received an Oscar for it. You have found a life partner. Finally, they became a mother. What do you think today: life, circumstances make us change, or do we ourselves change our lives, ripe for decisive changes?

Natalie Portman: It is easier for me to answer as a psychologist, albeit not a practicing one. No, I’m sure nothing happens without our knowledge. Life forces us to change, and therefore we change it. Nothing happens outside of us. Outside of us are hurricanes, tornadoes, wars, economic crises. The rest is inside. What I consider the most important is inside. Internal changes — for whatever reason they may occur — are also driven by circumstances. I don’t know what to call it. Possibly a field. That is, we, who have changed, create a certain field around ourselves — and everything starts to move.

What field did you create?

NP: Maybe I’m just a little tired of myself. From my own success, from well-being, from conflict-free, from the fact that I am such a sweetheart, such a cutie on the screen. A sort of bunny without fur! I was resolutely involved in charity, and now I understand — precisely because I was looking for zones of drama, zones of conflict. No, I do not regret, and I continue, and I will continue (in general, helping is my calling). But the passion with which I got involved in the problems of poor African women, abandoned children, was generated precisely by the non-conflict of my own existence. There was not enough in my life that I myself could respect. I certainly don’t want to say that I envy the women I helped with, for example, small loans so they could start their own business. But for them, it is about existence itself—the physical and the person. Do you know what one of those who our organization helped in the Congo told me? «Thank you, I got back on my feet, and now my children are proud of me.» Do you understand what I mean? Before the man was the question of respect for her own children. What were the questions before me? About the size of my last name on a movie poster? So I decided to do something that I hadn’t dared to do before, actions that were not typical of me: a complete “nudity” in the preamble to “The Darjeeling Train”, a frank and rather, so to speak, hilarious comedy “More than Sex”. It was arrogance as a form of confrontation, as I now understand. I resolutely told myself that I didn’t want to be a bunny-doll on the screen … And the reality tightened up — the roles in the Brothers, in the Black Swan pulled themselves up — really, in an adult dramatic way … Once in the play » The Seagull» by my favorite director and actually teacher Mike Nichols, I played Nina Zarechnaya. So, now I would refuse this role even with Nichols. I don’t want any more of these lovers and disappointed virgins, these characters of the «pink library», as the French would say. I was tired of being young, tired of youth — with relationships without obligations, ease of climbing … I wanted an adult life — with «anchors», with obligations that cannot be evaded. Real, not puppet life.

But it would seem that you started living a real life early, matured early — already at ten you had an agent, at thirteen you became a star …

NP: Yes, that’s why! I… I learned adulthood early. But I was successful, for this reason I did not mature completely — success allowed me to remain a little cutie for a long time. This I now understand. Well, parents, of course. They took me so seriously! So wisely encouraged! So softly limited — all my childhood I could only shoot during the summer holidays … They are so devoted to me that … In general, they surrounded me with airbags. I always felt that I was completely, completely protected. You know, maybe I entered the university because I wanted … I wanted to prove that I myself can do something — without an intermediary screen. And studied fanatically for the same reason. Yes, long ago I began to feel the screen as a screen in another sense of the word — as something that reflects any impact of reality on me, as a partition between me and reality.

Maybe you’re just from the breed of excellent students?

NP: Maybe you are right. It is in me Jewish or émigré. Jewish — at the genetic level. Well, it is known that in the Diaspora the Jews had no right, for example, to land, and they could be expelled from anywhere and at any time. So, it was necessary to have only what you can surely carry with you. And the easiest way is to take your head with you. That is why education is so important to us. Not only because we are the «People of the Book», but because we could not be sure of anything except our own head. And I call my cult of discipline and evaluations an emigrant because I grew up, after all, in a semi-immigrant family. Although my mother is an American, we moved to the USA from Israel when I was three years old. Dad had to assert himself in a new professional circle, at a new level. I must have felt it even when I was very young.

Is there something that you are afraid of today?

NP: Yes, I have enough to be afraid and beware! That is, I thought that I was a coward — I am afraid of everything, I am afraid. Always tried to behave and do the right thing. And now I think that … Where is it — in «Batman», or what? In this spirit: one who does not experience fear does not know what courage is. Fear is the price of courage. Courage can be shown only if you have experienced fear. No, even better at Ursula Le Guin. Have you read The Left Hand of Darkness? Light is the left hand of darkness, Darkness is the right hand of light. Fear is the right hand of courage. Right now I began to live — a real life, when there really is something and for whom to be afraid! You know, it even seems to me that this is the main sign of the fullness of life — when there is someone who really depends on you and for whom you feel fear. And so you can be brave, if that.

Three years ago, in your interviews, you confidently said that you were preparing to have a baby. Although you didn’t know Benjamin Millepied, your partner and the father of your child then … Why exactly him?

NP: We met when we worked on the Black Swan. Benjamin choreographed the film, and I was blown away. With its authenticity, genuineness, it belongs entirely to ballet, without a trace. You see, ballet is the world of fanatics. You can’t dance and not be a fanatic — if you don’t belong to the ballet entirely, you simply won’t pull it even physically. There is even something sectarian here. It seems like some higher knowledge is available to them, because they went through a rite of some kind of initiation. In Benjamin, I saw a man who lives as fully as possible, because he is dedicated to what he does. And at the same time, he is not from a «monastic order», he is open to life. This is what I call existence in reality. I fell in love with its authenticity. And there is one more thing. Ballet people spend years in front of the mirror — there are mirrored walls in the rehearsal rooms. They get used to constantly analyze their movements, constantly see themselves from the outside. So, for someone from the ballet to see oneself from the side means to look at oneself, constantly look at oneself. See yourself as the center. And for Benjamin, this means being aware of yourself as part of the reflection. That is, understand your scale in comparison with others. Evaluate the ratio of figures. He is the most sober person in the world about human relations. He knows exactly how to relate to the world. That’s why he’s real. With him, it’s just impossible to feel like, well… just a pretty girl, a kind of accessory.

Have you ever felt like this?

NP: Yes, and not so rare. I was very worried about such a relationship — when a person was with me, because … well, I have a presentation. It’s boring.

What does it mean to you to be beautiful?

NP: Good looks are a huge advantage. Although all the studies say that it is easier to hire the owners of a normal, rather than an outstanding appearance. And people treat pretty people better than beautiful ones. Still, beauty is a privilege. I don’t want to be hypocritical. And speaking practically, it is more convenient to be beautiful than ugly. True, the European concept of beauty is closer to me personally. I mean, in America, the one who meets the standards, who according to the canons, who has everything right, is beautiful. In Europe, beauty is almost synonymous with uniqueness, beauty is originality, people nurture their singularity as beauty. It’s closer to me. Yes, and my appearance in some way limited me. In my youth, having been liked by people, I wanted to continue to be liked. And as a result, I became what everyone else wanted me to be — my parents, my grandparents, my friends, the objects of my romantic hobbies. Became a product of public expectations, did not want to let anyone down. And now I think: well, something will not work out for me, well, the film will fail — well, nothing, someone will lose some money, even if not only me … Nobody will die. And I learned to take risks, not to be afraid to fail, to let someone down. I even started to like things that I would never have loved before.

For example?

NP: For example, rap. Brash, outspoken. Obscene!.. I love it! I like how adequately these guys convey their state and their relationship with reality, what realists they are. This makes me incredibly happy!

Passion for rap and love for family; own film company and the absence of fear of failing with the film; social activism and being the face of a luxury product, the Miss Dior fragrance… How do you put it all together?

NP: I don’t see any contradictions. Rap is rhythm and frankness. In life, in relationships, this is more and more important to me. The fact that I am not so afraid of failures now … Failures make the taste of success sharper! And Dior… Dior is synonymous with striving for excellence, not buying. For me, yes. I also became the face of Miss Dior because the brand supports FINCA International*. And most importantly … You know, the project «Natalie Portman» is not yet completed. There is material — everything has already been filmed. But the final editing is ahead.

* Foundation for International Community Assistance — a fund in which Natalie is active, accumulates funds to distribute microloans (sometimes $ 50) to women from developing countries to start their own business. The organization has already supported thousands of causes and enabled thousands of women, often victims of violence, to gain independence and stability. Dior has made a significant contribution to FINCA.