They are often opposed. But do they have as little in common as many people think? There is something that unites them. Maybe that’s why a narcissist and a co-dependent make a strong pair.
Narcissism and codependency — what are they, what are the differences and how are they similar? What comes to mind when we hear the words ‘narcissist’ and ‘codependent’? What do you associate these terms with? asks the existential-humanistic psychotherapist Stanislav Malanin. — Often, narcissism in the minds of many becomes synonymous with excessive selfishness, and a codependent person is one who happily obeys and pleases. Very often in publications these concepts are described as opposite to each other. But I view them differently, avoiding the simplifications that often lead to devaluation and manipulation — both by co-dependents and by narcissists, who in reality may lack a healthy sense of self.
Who am I? Everyone asks this question sooner or later. Narcissists and codependents are no exception.
“Both of them are trying to understand who they really are,” continues the psychologist. “Relying on others is part of their survival mechanism as they define and maintain their identity. And what others think about them, what account they have and what status they have in the eyes of these others, is of great importance. This is a key feature of both narcissists and codependents.»
Their difference lies in the way they treat people. How to understand which group we belong to and which one our loved ones belong to? Why do some fall into the first, and others into the second?
I am the sun
The origins of narcissism and codependency must be sought in childhood. In the early years (before age 3), both future narcissists and future co-dependents experience neglect from a significant adult. But afterwards it differs in many ways on their lives.
“Narcissists are not capable of love — the way the average person understands it. They have their own idea of love,” says Stanislav Malanin. — Love and relationships for most of us is a two-way road: you give something to your partner, and he gives to you. This is a constant mutual exchange of emotions, care, attention, actions.
Partners, remaining separate individuals, build a unique joint space where rules and agreements work that suit both. Narcissists have a different view of interaction in a couple. And the reason for this is childhood trauma.
“Narcissism appears in those who have experienced intense shame. For example, he was publicly and repeatedly scolded or severely criticized in front of the whole class,” explains the psychologist. — And the only salvation from a huge sense of shame is to run away or «grow» protection in the form of a grandiose «I».
Such people consider themselves chosen, unique, over-gifted, although for those around them their abilities are hardly noticeably different from the abilities of others. They become the center of their own universe, where they let in those they consider worthy. The partner of the narcissist must satisfy someone else’s emotional hunger — with admiration, admiration, dedication. Narcissus becomes the Sun around which the planets revolve.
“People with narcissistic personality disorder turn all the attention to themselves,” says the psychologist. Often they lack empathy and are not interested in the needs of others. They can take care of the feelings of a partner, but only if this somehow affects the attitude towards them, allows them to raise self-esteem at the expense of others.
Planet of the orbits
A codependent in childhood also faces emotional coldness. He needs to feel needed. Codependents need someone to feed that hunger.
“We are all dependent on our mother at some stage. If no attention is paid to a child under 3 years old, his need for intimacy develops and grows, explains Stanislav Malanin. — It reaches its maximum point during puberty. It is during this period that teenagers experience crazy love, because of which they are even ready to die. But, unlike the narcissist, the codependent does not have his own «I» and the world, so he invades the boundaries of someone else’s. He tries to settle there, take his place and influence, expecting gratitude.
A codependent fills with himself and his presence the space and time of another: he writes SMS, sends photos, calls with questions, reminds himself, checks his partner.
“He leaves no room for freedom. Uses relationships to meet their needs. Requires approval, gifts, joint purchases. He sincerely considers all this to be a manifestation of intimacy,” comments Stanislav Malanin. “He is controlling and jealous.”
He is like a planet that the Sun must warm day and night, seven days a week.
“Such people are overly focused on others. They are happy only by serving others,” says the psychologist. “It often seems to them that no one but them knows what is right. Instead of praise, codependents expect sincere gratitude for all the “good things” they have done.”
Fit like pieces of a puzzle
Of course, everyone wants to feel loved and important. Paradoxically, a narcissist and a co-dependent can make a wonderful couple.
“Narcissism and codependency are essentially two tactics to achieve the same result: satisfying the need for emotional intimacy,” states Stanislav Malanin. Both narcissists and co-dependents want others to approve of them, they just go their separate ways. The narcissist’s needs are put first, and the codependent fuels their ego by satisfying their self-giving needs.» They fit like pieces of a puzzle.
Codependency and narcissism can become pathological if they harm others. If you notice the following signs in yourself, it’s time to think about visiting a psychologist:
- You have been or are in a toxic relationship in which one abuses the will and freedom of the other. Here we are not talking about temporary dependence due to a number of circumstances (for example, a woman on maternity leave), but about permanent patterns of a couple.
- You often feel empty, your self-esteem is low;
- You find yourself depending on the opinions of others about you;
- It always seems to you that others do not appreciate you as much as they should, or do not recognize your importance;
- You have never been properly thanked for everything you did or gave up.