Contents
People with narcissistic personality disorder are called toxic for a reason – their way of building relationships is based on constant manipulation and over time changes the biochemistry of our brain. Here are some tips to help you get free.
The feeling of love that we experience at the very beginning of a relationship with a narcissistic personality is experienced much more strongly than in a healthy relationship. The reason is that a narcissist (male or female) floods us with declarations of love almost from the first days, does not tire of admiring, seeking advice, assuring that we are perfection itself, he or she met the best person in his life and is ready for us to all.
This is called “love bombing”. Then the tactics change – the narcissist seems to retreat a little, his love confessions become less frequent, calmer, and finally the stormy ocean turns into a meager stream. It is a form of manipulation, control, and conditioning that the narcissist uses to keep us in his power.
Narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness
There is no doubt that we loved. The only problem is that narcissists cannot love us back. In dealing with them, it is better to rely on your inner instinct, and not on the strength of your feelings. We tend to get so trapped in our feelings that we lose the ability to hear the alarm bells and red flags that come with a toxic relationship. Narcissists cannot keep a face for a long time – very soon their facade cracks. But they are masters of their craft and, if you are inexperienced, can easily put you on the hook.
1. Arm yourself with knowledge
The most important and first thing to do in order to get out of the trap is to learn as much as possible about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how narcissists work, their typical behaviors and techniques.
You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Repeat and repeat over and over again. Until you study them properly, you won’t be able to free yourself from their toxic hook – narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness.
Feeling sorry for the narcissist when he or she has you trapped is pointless – they are just using your feelings against you. It is necessary to discard false pity in order to clearly see what you are dealing with.
2. Trust your intuition
Watch yourself – learn to share feelings and deep inner instinct, intuition. Start trusting your intuition, not your feelings. Associating with a narcissist weakens physical, mental and emotional health because we are trying to understand a person whose behavior contradicts words.
Instead of listening to what they say, watch how they act. Words lie, actions reveal the truth. We really get to know people through their behavior. Words are just a breach of your trust.
You feel sick and exhausted because your mind and body are telling you that you are in great danger, but everything seems to be fine (because he or she tells you so). Once again, trust your gut instinct. Become a cold-blooded explorer. Silently observe what is happening.
3. Don’t put yourself in their shoes
Go back to where you are supposed to be. It’s a matter of awareness. Mentally note how difficult it is to do this – these are the consequences of narcissistic processing.
Don’t try to guess what’s on their mind, imagine their next steps. Putting yourself in their place means trying to understand their motives, justify them, find a reasonable explanation for their behavior, and eventually get bogged down again in the poisonous swamp of their verbal manipulations.
No matter what narcissists say, they achieve their own benefit, no matter how logical their words sound.
When you catch yourself trying to get into the narcissist’s head, do your best to distract yourself. You can use your favorite mantra or prayer when the mind gets into the poisonous jungle. It’s hard and it takes a lot of fortitude not to give in to the brainwashing they put on you to make sure they’ve taken over all the space inside your head.
4. Ignore messages
For a narcissist, information has no meaning, its only purpose is to suck you into a quagmire of manipulation. The task is not to figure out whether to believe or not to believe the words of a narcissist. It is about breaking out of the vicious circle in which you think day and night only about what is connected with the narcissist.
Do not listen to or pay attention to the content of the speeches that the narcissist makes. This is their way to take out your brain to draw you into their world and keep you where you always find yourself in the role of bad and guilty. They will keep pushing your boundaries and blowing the fuses that signal you are approaching the boundaries to constantly keep you on your toes, unbalance, disturb your peace.
Trying to find common sense in the speeches of a narcissist is to force your brain to work in a stressful mode, it gradually drives you crazy. Know that no matter what they say, narcissists are seeking some benefit for themselves, no matter how logical or beautiful their words sound. Everything is only about them and for them, and the only desire of a narcissist is that you, too, be only about them and for them. They will do and say anything to keep you trapped in their little fantasy world. Once again: watch what they do (not say).
5. Protect your property and savings
If necessary, start saving money in reserve. Remember that they can completely bleed you. Protect everything that is of value to you. Acting from noble feelings and wanting to remain fair, you risk eventually being ruthlessly abandoned without a livelihood.
6. Silence is golden
When we love, we want to share our thoughts and feelings with the person we love – this is natural. But you do not have a loved one, you are dealing with a narcissist who pretends to be your soul mate. Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel.
Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in relationships – what we are ready to endure and what not.
You cannot move them. They use your trust against you. The more open you are, the more guns and knives they have in your back. Narcissists love it when you share. If you have to say something, protect yourself as much as possible – don’t tell the whole truth, be neutral, obscure or change the subject.
7. Who are you?
Deal with yourself, what you believe in, what is dearest to you in this world, in the name of what you want to live and die. Otherwise, anyone can convince you of anything. Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in relationships – what we are ready to endure, and what is categorically not. Strengthen your value system and protect what you hold dear. Then you will know what to do and how to behave, instead of hesitating and bending under the onslaught of someone else’s will.
8. Be patient
Keep watching and analyzing. By learning the basic manipulative techniques of narcissists, you will be able to recognize them accurately. This is a great help in the process of freeing yourself from the illusion of “great love to the grave”, “faithful” friendship or family idyll that narcissists have played for you.
Liberation does not happen overnight. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Be kind and patient with yourself. You learn to act and live in a new way – rethink, clarify yourself and your life principles, move to a new level of relationships with others. Give yourself time to deal with everything that’s going on.
9. Feed your soul
Help others, little by little, quietly and anonymously. Say something nice, even to a stranger. Fulfill one of your little wishes, just for yourself. Draw strength from religion if you are a believer. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that one day you will be free and the joy of life will return to you.