The word «narcissism» is often misused to describe personality traits, but what does it mean? What are the challenges faced by children raised by parents with these traits? The psychoanalyst explains.
People who are called narcissists often function successfully in life. In communication, they give the impression of charming and gifted personalities. Their self-control is better developed than those suffering from borderline personality disorder or regressive features.
In the clinic, I often work with such people or patients raised by narcissistic parents. They have some noticeable features:
- In communication with others, they often mention themselves or talk about themselves.
- They have an increased need for love and admiration.
- They need to be constantly reminded how special they are.
The narcissist is torn apart by internal contradictions between a sense of his own importance and worth and the opposite sense of his own insignificance, which he tries to fight against, receiving the attention and admiration of others. Because of this, communication is difficult and discouraging. At first you feel that they are in dire need of special attention and care, and soon they no longer need it, and criticism will be the answer to attention.
Abrupt changes within the same conversation, as well as other personality traits of narcissists, create such problems in communicating with them.
What happens to children raised by narcissists?
If you had such parents, you probably had problems with spontaneity, creativity and games. Imagination and spontaneity were stifled by constant tension — you couldn’t afford to relax even for a second. They did not understand what was happening, due to the unpredictable and contradictory behavior of the parents. In severe cases, you may have experienced psychological trauma.
One of my patients said: “I was afraid to go home. When my father was at home, it was very difficult. His mood could change unpredictably in the blink of an eye. One day I come home, and he just brought everyone a few pieces of cake. I was very happy and told him about it. But before I finished the first bite, his mood changed dramatically. He decided that I didn’t really like the cake and would have preferred something else. He said that he noticed something in my facial expression that he did not like, and began to literally interrogate me, and eventually accused me of ingratitude. Everything could end very unpleasantly. I lost heart, realizing that I could not change anything. I still had a piece of cake in my mouth, and he began to get angry and accuse me of ingratitude.
I burst into tears before finishing my portion, and as a result, I got my face dirty, which pissed him off even more. All this was terrible, but quite typical and expected. When the father was very angry, he could turn to physical violence. Coming back from school, I thought with horror what would happen this time if he was at home.
As children, they learned that their role is to calm and comfort the narcissist, and therefore they look for such a partner.
Unpredictability in parental behavior can be traumatic for a child, especially when it comes to physical abuse. If you grew up in such conditions, it will most likely be very difficult for you to unleash your creativity and your talents.
Other long-term consequences are also possible. Children of parents with this trait often find partners with similar personality problems. As children, they learned that their role is to calm and comfort the narcissist, and therefore they look for such a partner.
Everything is repeated as they unwittingly return to unhealthy situations from childhood. I have met adults who have entered into several relationships or even marriages in which the same narcissistic pattern was repeated. Psychotherapy can help you break out of this vicious cycle, rethink problems and experiences that are sucking you back into the familiar relationship pattern. Therapy will show the way, but it will take a lot of time and work to go through it.