Living together with a narcissist is not an easy test. However, a divorce from him can be even more unpredictable. A difficult breakup, which your partner most likely prepared for you, is not a reason to stay in a destructive relationship, says therapist Terry Gaspard. It is only important not to succumb to the tricks of an experienced manipulator.
The scenario of the partner’s behavior that led to the divorce is called narcissistic personality disorder by psychologists. This means that a person is confident in his exclusivity. Therefore, everyone who falls into his orbit, especially his wife and children, should treat him as an indisputable authority.
If the narcissist is not getting the attention they want, they will try to punish you. Not all of them openly violate the criminal code and use physical violence. Most turn out to be emotional abusers, which is no less painful for the victims.
A person with a narcissistic disorder lacks compassion even for those closest to them. You most likely will not be able to part friends. Divorce requires a clear defense strategy.
Narcissist-recidivist
In the book Disarming the Narcissist, psychologist Wendy Bihairi cites the most dangerous of this type, the «psychological recidivist» who is devoid of any moral restraints and respect for alien space. Distinctive features of such daffodils:
- He considers you his property and is beside himself with the fact that you are out of control. He will keep you as his victim at any cost, and for this he is ready to apologize. Don’t be under any illusions — a narcissist never repents. And if you believe, he will find a way to punish for the humiliation that you subjected him to, forcing him to ask for forgiveness.
- The ambitions of such a person are not supported by talents and achievements, so he suffers from low self-esteem. If he sees that you or the children are showing interest in someone else, forgetting about his exceptional person, he will begin to suffer from jealousy and try to take revenge on you.
Wendy Bihairi believes that your safety, both mentally and physically, should be a top priority when leaving a narcissistic husband. Especially if you are dealing with a “psychological recidivist” who, at the very beginning of the divorce, will begin to intimidate the consequences of your decision.
It is worth completely isolating yourself from communication with him. Enter into any negotiations only in writing or through intermediaries you trust.
Why did you choose it?
It is necessary to stop putting the interests of the former partner, which he presented as the interests of the family, above his own. “A sense of codependency often distinguishes those who are fascinated by and marry a narcissist,” says Ross Rosenberg, author of The Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love Those Who Hurt. — People who are prone to codependency easily fall into the emotional service of their spouse.
The narcissist, as an extremely selfish person, sees his potential victim well and knows the tricks of seduction well, trying to tie his partner as close as possible. He mistakenly takes this as signs of special closeness. And for a long time he denies that this relationship is one-sided: the narcissist only allows you to love yourself and take care of his interests.
Recognizing painful addiction is the first step towards inner liberation from a destructive union.
How to leave?
These rules for communicating with a narcissist will help during the divorce period:
Concentrate on what you can control. These are only your own emotions and actions. It is not worth wasting energy to predict his actions. Do not agree to what your ex-husband imposes on you, avoiding possible conflicts and maintaining the illusion of a truce. Imagine that during the divorce, he turns into a difficult business partner with whom you are forced to cooperate and achieve a beneficial result for yourself. From now on, your motto is: «Only the facts and nothing personal.»
Set clear boundaries. A narcissist, as a person with a high degree of conflict, will try to provoke any, even negative, attention from you. Before the meeting, think over the plan of the conversation in advance and try not to deviate from it. If he starts to translate the topic, to convince you to return, say: “The relationship is over for me, we have different roads. You need to accept it.» If he insists, leave.
Do not show sincere emotions. First of all, never apologize. The partner will immediately interpret this as a sign of weakness and try to turn it to their advantage by imposing decisions that are contrary to your interests.
Clearly track the moment when you start to show feelings and emotions (this can be a state of guilt, despair or panic) and tell yourself “Stop”. Remember that your goal is a divorce on the most favorable terms for you and the children.
Take care of support. You should be surrounded by people who fully share your position, who will not try to reconcile the parties in the name of preserving the family. Do not reject the professional help of a therapist and / or a lawyer. Relatives will be needed not only in a psychologically difficult moment, when it is important that you are listened to. If a partner begins to threaten, negotiate with him only in the presence of a third party.