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We are sure that if you follow certain rules in a relationship, then a happy and long union is guaranteed to us. But these rules often only complicate the situation, and it is high time to reconsider them. What myths about dating hinder us, and do not help, says clinical psychologist Jill Weber.
There are many recipes on how to attract interest and how to maintain it. All of them claim to be the perfect recipe for happy long-term unions. But are they really good? Jill Weber breaks down six «good» dating rules that don’t work.
1. Three date rule
Often we hear: you should agree to have sex only after a certain number (usually three are advised) of dates. However, there is no arbiter who can determine how many meetings will be required before being in bed with a new acquaintance. In order to feel confident and calm in a physical relationship, most people need to feel a psychological connection with a partner. Someone is able to quickly find this feeling (before the third date), someone needs more time. Instead of holding on to artificial rules, listen to yourself and your feelings.
2. Women’s game of inaccessibility
Do not call first, do not express too much interest, and even more so not be the first to confess your love — this advice is designed to protect against disappointment if we are rejected. However, intimacy and love are built on emotional openness. If you feel like calling or texting someone right after a date, but you stop yourself because it’s «too early,» you’re destroying the sense of spontaneous intimacy that’s important in a relationship.
There is no arbitrator who can determine how many meetings are required before being in bed with a new acquaintance.
Of course, boundaries are necessary, especially when we first get to know a person. But when we constantly suppress the desire to be sincere in ourselves, then we cannot find out about the openness of our partner. If you meet coldness in response to feelings, try not to take it personally. We can’t fit everyone, and mismatches happen in life. You allowed yourself to be yourself and now you know better if you need this person.
3. Man’s game of mystery
Some men intentionally close themselves, demonstrating mystery and inaccessibility. For women, the fantasy that it is they who will be able to melt the heart of a cold hero sometimes kindles the imagination. However, it is difficult for a man who has become accustomed to this role to be frank. Someone fears that as soon as he becomes himself, he will be rejected, and someone from the very beginning is not disposed to rapprochement and enjoys the game. As a result, relationships do not develop and lead to disappointment.
4. Don’t talk about exes
On the one hand, it’s better if your ex doesn’t become the main topic of conversation. On the other hand, if you have a long and meaningful relationship behind you, this is part of the experience that made you who you are now. It is natural to talk about what happened in your life — it is important for a partner to understand that you are emotionally free for a new relationship. Refrain from criticizing former lovers. Firstly, it looks like a humiliation of the ex-partner, and secondly, the ardor of your, even negative feelings, can be regarded by the new partner as a sign that the past still haunts you.
5. Be always cheerful and carefree
This myth is common among women. For some reason, it is believed that men like light, carefree girls. But these artificial standards are a disservice to both men and women.
Talking about your ex if they were an important part of your life is fine. It is important that past relationships do not become the main topic of conversation.
Women seem to think that in order to become desirable, they must start acting frivolously. However, if this does not match your temperament or mood, a new acquaintance will not be able to recognize your real «I». And it will be difficult for you to know if you will be attracted to him if you are yourself. Polls of men show that the majority prefer a woman next to them who has an independent point of view and is able to maintain a serious conversation.
6. Do not reveal your «dark sides»
It can be about the antidepressants you are taking, diseases (of yours or close relatives), addictions or phobias. If you’re suffering from acute depression, anxiety, or panic attacks, now may not be the best time to start a relationship. We are open to meeting a new partner when we feel ready to speak frankly about ourselves. In the end, we want to meet a person who is able to understand and support us in difficult times.