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Our children’s first crush… We never seem to be ready for it – especially if a child falls in love at the age of five. How to respond to “adult” manifestations of children’s feelings? Psychologist Galia Nigmetzhanova explains.
“In recent months, I’ve only been thinking about the fact that, while raising my daughter, I made some kind of terrible mistake.
It all started with the fact that a couple of months ago Dasha came from the garden and said that she liked Nikita. To be honest, I didn’t attach much importance to this: I had all these “tili-tili dough, the bride and groom” and my parents. But then the teachers began to say that the children walk by the hand, and my daughter is the initiator – and she is only five!
Further – more: they say that Dasha sits on Nikita’s knees, hugs and kisses at every opportunity … I listen and die of shame. What must they think of me? What kind of mother am I? I’m going to the garden for my daughter, and everything inside shrinks: what did she manage to throw out today? And I can’t figure out how to react to it. Stop? Pull up? But maybe it will only get worse … How to explain to her that children do not behave like that?
Maria, 32 years old
Galia Nigmetzhanova, psychologist:
Many girls and boys at the age of 4-5 have a special sympathy for a child of the opposite sex – that same preschool “falling in love”. In these first relationships, there is no subtext of courtship, but there is a desire to be friends, to share what you like, to be near, to physically feel the presence of another.
Behind her (his) frank behavior is not “licentiousness” and not too early sexuality. A preschooler experiences strong emotions for the first time in communication with a peer, but still does not know how to express them. Therefore, it is so important at this moment to be able to simply rejoice (without appreciating) such a fullness of the emotional life of a son or daughter.
Do not criticize behavior
Adults often fail to “rule themselves”, let alone small children who, to the fright of their parents, “impose themselves on the boy”, “cling to him (her)”, “do not allow a step to be taken”. Children have yet to understand the importance of personal space, to learn how to coordinate their impulses with the desires of another person.
And for us adults, this is an occasion to think about how we express feelings for each other in the family. It is good when children see the hugs of their parents, tenderness and caring attitude: this is how, most likely, the child will behave.
Your sharp negative assessment may later affect the adult life of your daughter
Don’t make fun of your daughter or criticize anything you don’t like about her behavior. Better tell me how you can express sympathy. Is it indecent to sit on a boy’s knees? But how then can a girl show a desire to be in physical contact with him?
Your sharp negative assessment may later affect the adult life of your daughter, preventing you from showing strong feelings, depriving intimate relationships of spontaneity and pleasure.
Talk about relationships
A child in love is already able to reflect on feelings and relationships. Talk to him about what to do if you are not accepted, offended, rejected, how words and deeds can hurt another. At the same time, you should not touch his feelings directly and offer, say, “buy a new dress so that Nikita will be surprised tomorrow – you have love with him.” Children 4-5 years old do not tend to draw attention to their appearance.
Let me experience the drama
At this age, sympathies change quickly: for some children, falling in love lasts a couple of weeks, for others – a year. But many of them (especially girls) experience the loss of friendship as real grief: they retire, refuse to eat, cry. Do not devalue the feelings of the child at this moment, but do not dramatize! Give your child the opportunity to experience this situation.
The experience of the first friendship, the feeling of how good it is to be with someone together, will come in handy in any partnership as he (or she) gets older. Growing up, we often forget the name and appearance of our chosen one, but the feeling of fullness of life and bright colors of that short period of preschool love remains with us for life.
About expert
Galiya Nigmetzhanova – child, developmental, family psychologist, co-founder, leading consultant of the Psychological Center for Family Support “Contact”.