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Clutter is second nature to them. The chaos that reigns in the house gives such people a lot of inconvenience, but all attempts to put things in their places are in vain. What hides their mess?
“It’s impossible to find anything at my house,” says 39-year-old Sergei. – Once I searched the whole apartment in search of a mobile, which ended up in a dirty laundry bag. I regularly promise myself that I will sort everything out over the weekend, but everything remains the same. This situation causes a lot of trouble: either they promise to turn off the phone, or they take away the rights to the road … And all because I am not able to find a receipt in time or the registration certificate for the car disappears somewhere. Everything just dissolves in my mess!”
Reluctance to grow up
A sink full of dirty dishes, a pile of clothes, magazines strewn everywhere – the habit of chronic disorder often begins in childhood.
“Mom was simply obsessed with cleanliness,” recalls 40-year-old Marina, “she constantly rubbed something, washed it, put it on the shelves … Her excessive desire for order in everything made me feel uncomfortable, and I tried to keep a mess in my room.”
Sluts refuse to succumb to traditional notions of order and cleanliness, they see them as mere optional conventions that are reminiscent of the time when their parents constantly told them to “Clean the room.”
“At the same time, clutter is an easy and convenient way to get away from adult responsibility for your life,” explains developmental psychologist Olga Shiyan. Chaos allows you to demonstrate your helplessness and hope that someone will solve problems for you – for example, pay your bills on time, put things in order on your desktop.
way to get attention
“A person who is constantly losing something, searching and fussing, attracts attention and often arouses sympathy,” says cognitive psychologist Evgeny Krasheninnikov. “And instead of minding their own business, people around them start helping him.”
Not very self-confident people thus feel sympathy and support, which they so lack in life.
“I realized that my incoherence is hurting myself”
Varvara, 38 years old, assistant director
“Mess became a part of my life, apparently because I really did not want to repeat the fate of my mother and grandmother: their role in the family was reduced to the duties of a housewife. The confusion in the house even seemed to me somehow joyful – perhaps in defiance of the discipline that my work requires. But the moment came when I realized that lack of concentration harms me myself. Every day, for several minutes, I began to sort things out, defining each in its place, and gradually stopped wasting time looking for them. I recently took courses in Feng Shui, the Chinese art of decorating your home according to the energy of space. Cleaning is no longer against my inner harmony, it has become something of a game and (sometimes) even brings me pleasure.
Expression of egocentrism
Sometimes, by making a mess around him, a person seems to be trying to multiply the evidence of his existence – this is how his need to free himself from feelings of helplessness is manifested. If a person lives in a family, then imposing one’s disorder on loved ones is also a way to “mark” one’s territory. “It can be regarded as an unconscious refusal to leave some place for another,” comments the French psychoanalyst Alberto Eger.
Anxiety attacks
“After the divorce, I got depressed. And the apartment exactly reflected the state of my inner world: disorganization, disorder,” explains 46-year-old Marina.
But to continue to live in such chaos is to allow yourself to drown in anxiety attacks and in your own past. In this case, putting things in order at home, throwing away unnecessary things at the same time means putting things in order within yourself: freeing up space and energy for a happier life in the present – here and now.
What to do?
Start Small
The thought of spring cleaning can scare anyone. For starters, try to at least take out the trash and (or) wash the dishes, and for tomorrow, for example, plan to sort out some of the papers on the table. Step by step you will improve the situation.
Find an attractive reason for you
Think about what will change in your life put in order. Look for a motive to do it. Maybe you want to fully appreciate the beauty of the newly purchased furniture? Enjoy the cozy atmosphere of a clean kitchen? Or finally host friends so that you are not ashamed of the eternal bedlam? Show your willpower and set convenient cleaning hours – the order will not be restored by itself!
Stop asking for help from others
When something important disappears in your rubble, forbid yourself to seek help from loved ones. If you stick to this rule for a few weeks, then the factor of emotional “positive reinforcement” – increased attention from other people – will disappear, and things will begin to live in their places.
Clean up your soul
If you still find it difficult to let go of the lack of concentration, then your inner turmoil has deep roots. Sort out your emotions, fears, memories: put the past in its place, throw away everything that clutters up your inner world, and the problem of domestic chaos will be solved by itself.
Tips for others
In adolescence, the mess in the room is a way to declare one’s independence, independence from the parental model of behavior. Adults should not clean for the child if they want to instill in him a sense of responsibility. In the life of a couple, it is also not worth taking a parental position in relation to a partner, putting him in a position of eternal guilt. Treat the situation with humor, offer an agreement: “Okay, I’ll clean the kitchen, and you go to the store.” So you will soon find a common language and maintain balance in the family.