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In a situation of disagreement or hostility, help the child to pronounce their emotions, separate them from the emotions of other people, teach them to accept the peculiarities of others. Crisis psychologist Maria Zelenova explains how to do this using real situations as an example.
Children sometimes do not know how to behave in a conflict situation. They are especially vulnerable when it is necessary to sort things out with a classmate. Then the advice of an adult, a parent or a psychologist will help them. We started discussing the topic of children’s quarrels with stories about the childhood friendship of girls. This time the boys are asking for advice.
Newbie-badass
Timofey, 9 years old: “A new boy came to our class and started molesting me. He does not go into open conflict, he is afraid to fight with me, but on the sly does nasty things — either he pokes a painful pencil, or laughs at me when I answer. Or he will lie down on the whole desk (“it’s so convenient for me”). He slips insulting notes — «You can’t be so stupid.» I don’t know how to react to all this. I don’t want to go to school because of him. But I can’t be the first to fight.»
“Every person is a small state”
Let’s close our eyes and imagine that each person is a small state with its own rules, traditions and culture, with its own climate and time zones. Introduced? Then it immediately becomes clear how much we can sometimes differ from each other and what a huge world is inside each of us.
In some countries, you know, a different language, rules of conduct and religion, even holidays are completely different, and they are celebrated on different dates. And everyone, in general, has a right to it. There are countries that have excellent diplomatic relations, and there are those who are forced to exist side by side on a territorial basis, but they can’t be friends at all.
They live in their own neighborhood and try not to intersect. At the same time, each country has its own borders, quite clear and clear, and they are marked on every map of the world. And if planes fly too close, ships sail up, or even if some ordinary tourist suddenly decides to cross the border of a foreign country without a visa and permission, the owners will not like it.
They will definitely report about it — whether with a siren, an announcement on the radio, a warning. If this is a very warlike country, then military actions, but then, alas, there will be no casualties on both sides.
So are people — not everyone is always friendly, understand each other and want to communicate. But everyone should respect each other without exception. And when they climb on your border, it is very important for you to immediately report it — to give the same warning signal “reception-reception”, which is indispensable.
It is necessary to defend yourself and your borders, but not by a fight, but by negotiation
In response to the actions of this boy, you can calmly but confidently say: “enough”, “stop doing this, please”, “this is unpleasant for me”, “this is not funny”. Explain exactly what you didn’t like. Maybe he wants to be friends with you, but doesn’t know how to get your attention at all.
In this case, his plane simply got lost and flew into foreign territory by mistake. And then he will definitely hear you, apologize and try not to do anything that can be unpleasant anymore. If the first warning is ignored, then repeat the same thing, but shorter and without explanation: “I asked you to stop”, “enough”, “stop”.
If the second time there is no response, or even vice versa, the boy behaves more disgustingly, this is already an active provocation, and you should definitely seek help from adults — the class teacher, teacher, school psychologist.
If you start to fight, then this can only stir up his interest, and the war is guaranteed for you, and besides, you will seem like the main bully, but he did not go into direct conflict. But it is necessary to defend yourself and your borders, but not by a fight, but through negotiations.
And if the boy does not meet halfway, then higher authorities will definitely call the violator of the diplomatic agreement between countries to account to the fullest extent of the law.
Council to parents
If the aggressor boy does not respond to warnings, parents can intervene: talk to the class teacher and the child’s parents.
Between two fires
Misha, 10 years old: “I have two friends in my class at once: Slava and Oleg. But they are not very good friends with each other, because Slava often says nasty things about Oleg — that he smells bad, that he is fat, that he is a moron. You can tell him directly to his face, and then they quarrel. And I don’t know how to be. I want to stand up for Oleg, but I don’t know what to say. And at the same time, I don’t want to quarrel with Slava.”
«Friends are known not only in trouble»
There is a saying: friends are known in trouble. But in fact, they are known not only in trouble, but also in other situations. For example, when communicating with different people.
Suppose there is peace between you and your friend now and you are in a great relationship, but this does not prevent him from sometimes behaving completely disgusting towards others. What will you conclude?
The fact that your friend communicates well with you is wonderful. But if he is capable of rudeness and cruelty towards another boy, then one day he may begin to treat others and you in the same way.
And it’s not even so much that you’re between friends as between two fires. You may simply not like the way Glory behaves towards another person. If you and Slava are good friends, it means that he listens to you and appreciates your opinion, right? Try to talk honestly with him, explain that you are uncomfortable with the way he behaves with Oleg.
Perhaps he will try to correct himself, or at least explain what annoys him so much. Maybe he is afraid of losing his friendship with you and becoming unnecessary to you? There is nothing better than a heart-to-heart talk when you say that you do not want to quarrel with him. But this behavior of your friends upsets you, and it cannot continue like this.
3 books about friendship and quarrels for children
1. «On a High Hill» by Linda Sarah (Polyandria, 2015)
A story about how a «third wheel» is wedged into the relationship of bosom friends. Ethan and Bert run, swim, dive, play pirates and astronauts together. But one day the usual idyll is broken: Ethan and Bert meet a boy named Shu, who mustered up the courage and asked to play the game. Bert is not at all happy with the new company. Luckily, the friends find a way to show Bert that threesomes can be just as good and fun as two.
2. «Connie Quarrels with a Girlfriend» by Liane Schneider (Alpina Publisher, 2020)
Little girl Connie begins to learn about herself through her emotions and learns to cope with them. The book is written for joint reading and involves further discussion with the child. It is about the fact that all children are different and friends cannot avoid conflicts. But understanding how you feel and being able to talk about it, it is possible to maintain a relationship and come to a compromise, even if there was a strong quarrel.
3. «Will you remain my friend?» Jutta Langreuther (Polyandria, 2017)
The raccoon Fidget and the little fox Toptyzhka were inseparable until they quarreled over a trifle: someone ate strawberries in their common garden. Without understanding the situation, each blames the other for it. Is such a beautiful friendship going to be ruined by one unfortunate misunderstanding?