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You love early breakfasts, exhibitions and walks, and he plans football and network games until dawn. You think that the child needs music and English, and he intends to send his son to a cadet school. The movie you’re crying over makes him laugh. How to get along and negotiate with partners with such dissimilar views? An expert in relationship psychology speaks.
The purpose of a relationship is not to become the same. Meeting a different person is wonderful because it teaches us to look at the world through the eyes of another.
You are different — and that’s good!
Imagine how it is to be with a person who agrees with you on everything and does not have his own point of view? At first it can be convenient, but then boredom from monotony will come.
Many people think that the divergence of opinion forces one to stick to one point of view, sacrificing another. In this case, of course, one of the partners is the loser. But this is a false limitation. After all, you can create a third point of view, containing both pictures of the world, and then something new will appear that was born during communication. This interaction will strengthen both of you.
Change your focus
If you are focused on seeing differences, then you will find them. Over time, you will begin to feel that you are completely strangers to each other. Think: if you are already in a relationship, then there is something in common between you, and this should be noticed. Before starting another discussion, think about what you have similar values and views, what you like to do together. Having discovered this, you will feel that you are drawing closer again, because by doing so you turn a person from “alien” into “our own”.
Make a choice
It starts with a concrete decision: are you together or not? This choice is not about “forever”, but about a specific moment. In this segment of life, you are moving in one direction, then everyone has the right to change their goals and guidelines.
Together with a person, you also choose his path. If this does not happen, then discontent and tension accumulate in the relationship. Therefore, before negotiating, answer yourself the question: do you choose this person and the life that he lives? Any choice is better than doing nothing, remaining in a dead end.
Recognize each other’s worth
If you decide to be together, do not forget about the partnership. It does not contain the concepts “I am smarter”, “I am cooler”, “I will teach you”, “I will prove to you”. Any attempt to suppress will cause either withdrawal or active resistance.
In partnership, we acknowledge the choice of the other person. Does he agree with your decision or are you trying to drag him along with you by force? If you want a joint movement — seduce your partner with what you like, talk about your experience without trying to teach him. Speak through «I-stance».
Eliminate distortion
Contact between two people is the meeting of two stories. The picture of the world of each of you is your personal conclusions and reactions to real facts. And they are all different. Thus, two points of view on the same event are obtained, each of which is distorted.
What is distortion? This is a story that arises along the chain «Fact — Reaction — Interpretation — Reaction to Interpretation — Reinterpretation». Sometimes a few minutes are enough for us to make a conclusion about something. But it is based only on our assumption.
Instead of assuming, ask directly:
Did I understand correctly that…
How did you come to this?
What do you think about this?
What would you suggest?
What is important to you in this matter?
The answers will help you see the picture of the world of another person, understand his motives and remove your distortions.
Agree
To maintain a relationship, it is important to be able to hear a partner, stand in his place and negotiate. And do it regularly, updating your “agreements”. How?
Do not save, but immediately speak out your emotions and claims to your partner and to relationships in general. The faster you say the little things that you notice, the more flexible and beautiful your communication works.
To do this, make sure that the person is ready to listen to you at the moment. You can clarify this by asking, “Are you comfortable listening to me now?”
Speak only from «I-position». Talk about your experiences based on facts, not speculation and accusations. Stick to the «sandwich» principle:
Tell us what is valuable to you in this situation, how it is useful.
Describe your feelings or thoughts about what you would like to change.
Start an exchange of opinions by translating criticism into a constructive one through a request or suggestion.
Try to understand, not judge. Recognizing the reality of the interlocutor does not mean that he is right, but your ability to see the situation through his eyes. After that, he will be ready to hear your vision.
When making a conclusion, clarify your assumption. It is important to find out whether you correctly understood the interlocutor and his version of the solution to the situation.