My new identity: from fitting to vaccination

Personal grafting is a metaphor inspired by the practice of horticultural grafting. If a wild apple tree grows in the garden, varietal cuttings can be planted to it in a special way. If the cuttings have taken root and grown together, in place of the wild game a downright cultivated plant is quickly formed and even with normal fruits. In the field of practical psychology, a similar procedure can be carried out in the process of personality development, yielding equally good results. How it’s done?

A person has his way of life, his habits and habitual self-awareness: his I. “This is the kind of person I am, this is my character, and I usually live like this …” A person has the right to be the way he is, but together with him we have the right to consider other possibilities. If a person is interested (or we are interested in him), we can offer him a new, more attractive and worthy way of life, offer a new, more interesting model of his personality.

More precisely, a set of his new personalities. Because why have one when you can have many?

The first step and the main condition for mastering a new personal role (model, image) is a choice, a person’s inner consent to this, interest and desire to do this. In life, not everything here happens consciously: often a grain is thrown to a person, a thought begins to wander, matures in the unconscious, only after that everything is consciously formed: “I’m interested in this, I want it!”

A person usually makes a positive decision and becomes interested if he is prepared for this. For example, a not very self-confident young man is offered to try the role of an active leader in a training camp. If a young man believes that being a leader is worthy, if others are going to support him in this role, if, moreover, he has already seen several people who have mastered this role, he will most likely treat this proposal with interest. If during the discussion he understands that there is nothing to be afraid of, failure does not threaten him with anything, and success promises new opportunities in life — he will at least try. Feeling the support of others and receiving applause for albeit small, but victories on this path, he will understand that he can do it in principle. If, as a result of the discussion, he understands that the role of a leader is promising for him in life, he will be able to achieve his goals in life faster with its help, he will begin to practice this role more and more often, mastering it step by step.

The second step — If a person is interested and does not mind, we jointly put a new mold on his old personality. We help him build a new, more decent body (correct back, various facial expressions, smart, reliable and gentle hands), discuss his old non-adaptive beliefs and their possible replacement with new, more promising ones; we give a new, rich culture, we engraft new feelings … Gradually, a person learns to think in a new way, feel richer, move more freely — learns to live in a new way, as one should. While this new has not grown and is still worn badly, such behavior often turns out to be only a mask. The new is always foreign at the beginning. Over time, when this is mastered and internalized by a person, it will become a new personal style and spiritual skills.

The development of a new personal model sometimes goes easily, with enthusiasm, it requires only technical study and the development of natural habits for a new image of personality. In other cases, a new personal image may cause internal inconvenience, embarrassment and sometimes protests. The first fitting usually reveals this. It is necessary to deal with this every time specifically, what is it? This may be an occasional discomfort from meeting a new one, which, as a rule, is always a little alien at first, and you can generally ignore this. If it is a fear of a completely new life, this is also not scary. Don’t be afraid, life is beautiful! It is more difficult if it is the fear of admitting that your whole life before that was an unsuccessful preparation … It is not easy to admit this, sometimes it requires leisurely rather psychotherapeutic work, sometimes it can be solved by a decisive energetic breakthrough.

In some cases, an attempt to master a new personal image is faced with an objective inconsistency with current values ​​and, in the end, with the physical constitution of a person. Tried, but it doesn’t fit. So we’re filming, it’s not ours. We are all different, and the most ideal model for someone is a Procrustean bed. There is nothing fatal here, this is just a fitting, and if a person tried on, scolded and realized that it still does not suit him, he can always return to his former image and lifestyle. He gained new experience without losing the old one.

It is important not to make a decision prematurely. The first failed attempt can only say that this first attempt was unsuccessful, and you need to try a few more times and for some time. How much, how long? Usually, a week is enough to try on most personality models and looks. It all depends on the quality of the offer and the price: if a person is offered worthy models and mastering them is not too burdensome, people do not refuse such new things and are in a hurry to quickly replenish their personal wardrobe. In any case, this second step ends with the person making a decision. For example: «Yes, this is promising, I want to live and be like this.» Or — «No, it’s not mine.»

A personal new thing will become comfortable only if a person uses it, wears it. You have to get used to the new costume, you have to get used to the new personality, in addition, the new elements of the personality must be harmonized with everything else that was characteristic of the person before.

The two main exploration styles are frontal assault and quiet siege. In the frontal assault mode, a person takes on a new personal role, a new personal image immediately and for the whole day, then only increasing the tasks and making the game deeper and more interesting. This is time-consuming and energy-consuming, but for strong people it is bright and effective. In the calm siege mode, a person masters individual elements of a new style, separately learns gait, separate gestures, sometimes allows several new phrases for himself, and chooses only free, unstressed time for these experiments. Both a frontal assault and a calm siege have their pluses and minuses.

Harmonization of a new personal image requires its coordination with the previous patterns of behavior and personal habits. As a rule, it is more justified not to destroy the former way of life and former habits, but to leave them in local situations for special tasks. Unlearning old habits is not always easy, but it is not always necessary, because with a reasonable, masterful approach, they can also be useful.

A man knows how to whine cool — great, let him leave these compassionate eyes for his beloved when she really wants to feel sorry for him. If a man easily rages and is powerfully aggressive, this is also not bad, it will always come in handy for sports games and rich sex. Everything is good when used at the right time and in the right way.

In any case, if the personal model, lifestyle, feelings and culture are new, unusual for a person, they will need to get used to. Sooner or later, addiction almost always happens: if you successfully stay in a role for a long time and do not distance yourself from it, deliberately repeating: “This is not me, this is not mine, this is someone else’s!”, a new personal role becomes part of us. What was previously alien gradually becomes one’s own. And not just one’s own, but is identified with the Self. Any personal roles leave their imprint on the soul, and over time, as a rule, they grow to the soul, grow into the soul and become a new Self (or an element of the Self). From the outside, they become the inside.

Accordingly, this is the task of active personal growth — to build up a new personality on the I, make it your new I, turn small sprouts into the volume of a new life, so that personal roles become a habit and a way of life, so that a new way of life becomes natural and native.

Be prepared for the fact that the new way of life will be in conflict with the old environment: yes, this is what usually happens. What to do? Actively and consciously form a new environment. How? See the article «How to work on yourself», or even better — get up on the Distance. There you are guaranteed to receive an environment that will support you and stimulate you in your work on yourself.