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We are people of habit. However, some addictions make life difficult for us. Personal development expert Gretchen Rubin suggests that we improve the quality of life by changing the way we act. The Psychology Correspondent accepts the challenge.
Gretchen Rubin is one of the most popular personal growth gurus in the US today.1. She is a mother of a family and a successful writer, and her approach is extremely pragmatic: drawing on her own experience, she offers her readers what makes them feel better.
40% of our daily lives are made up of habits, she claims in her new book, from where we put our keys to our food habits. We no longer notice most of the habits, but they “stuck” to us and sometimes interfere with our conscious life. An example: the food that we automatically eat after the children, “so that it doesn’t disappear”, and as a result our waist disappears … Or the habit of constantly looking at the phone, because of which we risk missing important moments of a personal or business meeting. Habits that burden us take root quickly, and getting rid of them is difficult.
It is necessary not to develop five-year plans for global change, but to change, replacing one habit with another. bad to good
We are all familiar with the “disease” of good intentions. More often than not, we soon stop looking after ourselves and return to the old rut. Gretchen Rubin decided to forge her own path. She liked the idea of psychologist Roy F. Baumeister and journalist John Tierney2: according to them, “people endowed with a strong will lose less time resisting their desires.” But the point is not at all that the iron will helps to resist the unbearable craving for chocolate. No, she allows them to organize their lives in such a way that there is no need to force themselves. They have good habits…
Eureka, Gretchen said. This is where our real strength lies: not to develop five-year plans for global change, but to change, replacing one habit with another. Bad for good. The habit is fixed within two months, and until then, regular “charging” is needed to achieve a result.
I am a rebel
The trick is, Gretchen Rubin emphasizes, that good habits can become a tool for liberation: once they are entrenched, they no longer require willpower. To understand what we are talking about, think about driving a car: once we have learned to drive, we no longer need to think about the process of driving. This allows me to free my head to think of a route or enjoy the scenery… I am full of bad habits, curious in spirit, and this path to change is very attractive to me. Maybe try?
The first step, Gretchen teaches, is to identify your “type,” to know your deepest traits. Without this, I can struggle for a long time trying to change: if my attempts go against my character, it will never work. So I’m battling what Gretchen called the “Four Inborn Dispositions” test.
First goal: make a list of tasks, write down everything you want to change, everything that complicates life, and acquire new reflexes
The purpose of the test is to find out what type I belong to: persistent soldiers (upholders), always ready to justify the expectations of others and their own; pedants (questioners), who resist the expectations of others and justify their own expectations, but do not get down to business until they understand that this is what is needed; obligers who feel obligated to meet the expectations of others, but not their own; rebels who resist both their own expectations and those of others.
After filling out the questionnaire, I discovered without much surprise that I belonged to the rebel clan (with a slight tendency to pedantry and a little helpfulness). The result, however, turned out to be quite accurate: according to the description, it is difficult for me to do what I am asked, but I look after my own interests … which creates problems for others. This is often a source of irritation, especially at work. Luckily, my streak of commitment allows me to not be completely immersed in rabid individualism, and I am truly mindful of my surroundings.
I make a to-do list
Since keeping commitments (both to myself and to others) requires a tremendous amount of effort on my part, I will acquire habits that will reduce the level of inner tension caused by my involuntary resistance. I try to imagine how good habits will make my life easier: by freeing my mind, I can do what is important to me, like writing something for myself.
Chronic absent-mindedness is added to my resistance: in vain I make gigantic efforts, I still forget everything. A cat at the vet, my glasses, and besides, what date is it, because of which I missed an interesting conference. Knowing myself, I should have put at least two “reminders”. So, the first goal: make a list of my tasks. I will write down everything that I want to change, everything that complicates my life, in order to clarify how my daily activities are organized and to acquire new reflexes. At the same time, I include nutrition in this list (too many snacks, too much sugar).
I invent my own rituals of transition
I’m a real pro at “putting off until tomorrow” anything that bores me. So Gretchen recommends that I set up transition rituals every time I have to do something that depresses me. For example, before I sit down at the table and start on that same to-do list, I drink a cup of tea and read a magazine. It suits me: I’m not too hard on myself, but I’m not too self-indulgent either. And I set myself a deadline: 10-15 minutes.
I am now on day 22 of the experiment and things are moving forward. I am doing my best. Although sometimes I put off a task until tomorrow, the number of unanswered work emails decreases, and I make boring but necessary phone calls on time. Plus, and most importantly, I was able to set aside a couple of hours to write for my own enjoyment. The fear is not all gone yet, but I feel virtuous, efficient, and this affects my mood. By being active, we manage our lives better and our anxiety is reduced, says Gretchen Rubin. I confirm that it is. The morning cup of tea became my starter. Nothing special, but it works for me.
I create associations
I also support automatic habits through associations. The bag left on the table from the evening obliges me to check everything again in the morning: keys, glasses, phone, bank cards. It was difficult in the early days, but the habit stuck. Also, when I get home, I forbid myself to take off my coat until I hang the keys in their place.
You can fight bad habits of the impulsive type according to the scheme that is used with children – to divert attention and buy time so that the impulse fades.
After discovering the world of good habits, I quickly noticed that it was really difficult to fight my spontaneous impulses. I knew this, of course, but I see more and more evidence of this: in deciding to make a choice in favor of a healthier diet, I was faced with my many weaknesses. One of them is chocolate, I love it very much.
Gretchen Rubin emphasizes: “Bad habits can be broken by making them uncomfortable.” Okay, Gretchen. No more chocolate at arm’s length. But I buy tiles for my friend and colleague Sasha, who works at the next table. And I’ll have to ask him for chocolate. And I can’t do this every two minutes … So it’s over with swallowing two squares at once.
I wait 15 minutes
I know myself: if you tighten the screws too much, I will send everything to hell in a couple of weeks. But – perhaps it seems like a paradox – I’m from the “withdrawal” and not from the “moderate”. That is, as Gretchen says, my nature is “all or nothing.” I must completely expel the object of desire. How to do it?
In relation to bad habits of the impulsive type, abstinence and…distraction is needed – the old scheme that many parents use with children (to divert attention and buy time for the impulse to fade).
As soon as the desire arises, I apply the “15-minute delay.” I take a break for a while. Usually, upon returning, the desire passes. And this applies to everything. Depending on the circumstances, it is enough to lengthen the delay … and fill it with something pleasant. Watch a funny video, talk on the phone, read a book…
I limit the number of my tasks
Psychologists have studied the effect of rewards on our behavior3. They discovered one unexpected consequence: the reward becomes the goal of the activity. We do things to earn a carrot, like running to get a beer. It makes us associate running with difficulty, with unpleasantness. Motivation becomes external, and therefore we tend to lose it. Conclusion: it is not necessary to build such “reinforcements” into the system, but it is worth allowing yourself from time to time.
I don’t want to become a good habits Stakhanovite obsessed with willpower. I limited myself to two goals: the organization of life and nutrition. After three weeks, some aspects of life have definitely improved, and I don’t think about it anymore. It is easier for me to improve self-organization than nutrition. No wonder: in one case I enjoy (from efficiency, clarity), in the other I try to limit myself … I will never become a model of total control. All the better! But I will never return to the previous state, when I constantly forgot everything and lost time.
Life is full of amazing things! Another reason to resolutely finish household chores – and the sooner the better!
3 questions Gretchen Rubin
“Knowing yourself is the only way to change”
You call habits “the invisible architecture of our daily lives.” What are you trying to say?
Research shows that about 40% of our actions are repeated every day. Therefore, if we change our habits, we will change our lives. Of course, the question arises: how to do it? I explore this fascinating question in my book.
To change your habits, you insist, it is important to know yourself. Why?
Because we are all different. By identifying the key aspects of our nature, we can tailor the habits that suit us. Only in this way will we succeed. I talk about many strategies for changing ourselves and show how effective or harmful they are, depending on our nature.
For example?
You want to move more. We’ve all heard the advice that it’s best to do it in the morning, it energizes you for the whole day. This is mistake. This tip works for early risers who wake up early in great shape. And this is absolutely not suitable for owls that live at night. If an owl tries to get up at 6 am, it will never work!
Pass the tests
- How do you welcome change?
1 Author of the bestsellers “Happy Home” and “Project Happiness” (Eksmo, 2013, 2014). Gretchen Rubin’s new book is called Better Than Before (Broadway Books, 2015).
2 Authors of Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength, Penguin Books, 2012.
3 Edward L. Deci Why We Do What We Do (Penguin Books, 1996) and Daniel Pink Drive: What Really Motivates Us (Alpina Publisher, 2013) .