“My mother is old”

“A 60-year-old woman came to me for a consultation,” says Jacqueline Zinetti, a psychotherapist and specialist in helping the elderly. – She spoke about an event that excited her – recently her 84-year-old mother called her and said: “I’m sorry, I completely forgot to congratulate you on Mother’s Day.” The puzzled daughter replied, “What are you talking about? I’m not your mother!” – then the elderly woman apologized and seemed to be surprised by the confusion that had occurred.

I told my daughter about such a phenomenon as the reversal of generations – when adult children begin to fulfill the parental role for their aged parents. Unbeknownst to her, she began to transform into her mother’s mother. Very lively, almost furiously, the daughter objected: “I don’t want to!” But there is a legacy that no one can refuse.

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The end of omnipotence

The relationship between mother and daughter is always marked by ambivalence. Rivalry and imitation follow one after another throughout life so that the daughter can become a woman.

In order for life to continue, the mother must say goodbye to her wholeness forever, agree to separate herself from the new little body that she brought into the world and which no longer belongs to her. The baby is here, in her arms, suckling at her breast, and she looks at him, a little disappointed. He is different from the one she imagined mentally. Mourning for a “fabulous” child, a sudden emptiness, a feeling of disappointment because she is only a place of transition, a link in the chain: she is aware of her belonging to the chain of generations. Death becomes a reality, and she understands the whole metaphysical meaning of what was for her before an abstract aphorism: “He who gives life – gives death.”

The transfer of life leads her to another, her own, loss – she loses the status of “her mother’s daughter.” That part of herself disappears. Motherhood obliges to bear the losses: beauty, youth, omnipotence … and makes you aware of your own mortality. Therefore, she feels the need to compare herself with her mother and become more tolerant towards her. An adult daughter discovers that her mother gave her some of her beauty when she left adolescence and turned into a woman. She is excited that her mother’s body is losing strength, that it has parted with its natural wealth so that she, her daughter, can conceive her child.

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mirror games

She carefully, and sometimes with apprehension, watches the increase in maternal deprivation. She knows that at any moment the weakness of this woman can turn into omnipotence.

She has not forgotten the ambiguity, sometimes cruelty, of their relationship – especially during her adolescence, when her mother fought to maintain her integrity in the face of this threat: a child of the same sex wants to be like her and become what she herself is – a woman. .

The adult daughter has reason to be afraid. At the end of her life, her mother will give her an inheritance, which she refuses for the time being, but which will be forced on her.

The old age of the mother is a period filled with strong feelings. At this time, maternal emotional and family ties begin to occupy a special place.

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• When daughters grow up

Throughout life, a mirror game goes on between mother and daughter, which sends them images, familiar or unexpected, desired or hated, in which they mutually recognize themselves (or do not recognize themselves). Mirror reflections become unsettling as an aged mother guides her daughter’s reflection of her withering and impending death. At this time, the daughter often overcomes the second half of her life. Losing attractiveness, she is more vulnerable in the face of physical decline, in the face of death. She feels like she has less of a future.

A kind of communication is established between the aging daughter, who is dealing with a complex restructuring in her body, and her elderly mother. In the face of this withered woman who serves as her mirror, the daughter can only say goodbye to her youth.

Legacy of maternal function

If the mother becomes dependent, and especially if she falls into dementia, this strongly encourages the daughter to come to the aid of the mother in meeting her needs. And the mother makes it clear (for example, through reservations – calling her daughter “mother”) that she can no longer or does not want to take on maternal responsibilities and from now on she delegates this role to her daughter. The daughter becomes the support of the decrepit mother and clearly understands that she herself is aging and will not live forever.

When the dementia worsens, the old woman is completely immersed in oblivion, the daughter is covered by memories. She remembers her mother and their conflicting relationship, which nevertheless cannot be discarded, because they are part of her feminine personality. She feels her duty to become a caring mother for her old mother, to become her memory and memory of her. The transmission from one generation to the next, which was once self-sacrifice on the part of the mother, now turns into violence against the daughter.

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Sometimes the old woman screams, curses, gesticulates, exposing her emaciated body, aroused by senseless rage. Her haggard face is twisted into a grimace. What threat is she shouting out? Then everything calms down, she smiles and gently caresses her daughter’s hand, encouraging her: “How are you?” This is a powerful moment, because apart from her mother, rarely does anyone close ask her this question. A witch or a good fairy, a woman whose words make you live or die, ancient images of a good or bad mother are re-emerging from the past. As before, the adult daughter tells herself that it is really difficult to be the daughter of this woman. Nevertheless, she does not want to permanently get rid of this influence that has enveloped her since birth. It is still too early, she is not yet ready to become the bearer of death in her turn.