If a parent does not use physical violence against a child, children’s pain is often invisible to others. Passive-aggressive mothers act under the guise of concern for the well-being of their children. Our readers talk about how only in adulthood they realized in what cruelty they were raised.
Even as adults, it is difficult for us to come to terms with the fact that the intentions of the closest person, our own mother, are by no means always good. How can this be expressed?
Taunts
“All my life, my mother thought that I didn’t deserve something better,” Alexey admits. – Even at school, when other children were encouraged for success, I was perplexed that I was a good student. It was a reason to remember that my father, with whom she was divorced, was a lazy and loser, and to pretend to be surprised: the apple did not fall near the apple tree.
A few years ago, he invited her to a restaurant, after which she became ill. Now, when I propose to have dinner together, he asks: “Which one will we go to? The one where you poisoned me?”
“Passive aggression always assumes that the blow is delivered hidden. It hurts us, but we can’t show anything to the offender, we don’t have direct evidence, says psychologist Marina Myaus. – The mother in such cases can say that she was just joking.
It is difficult for a person who has been accustomed to a devaluing attitude since childhood, and in adulthood, to speak directly with her, because, like any passive aggressor, she accuses you of a lack of understanding. And it always turns out to be the injured party, which, in response to its love and care, meets only claims.
Mistrust
“I helped a friend move furniture, tore off his back and told his mother about it. The first thing she answered me was: “You, as always, exaggerate, it can’t hurt like that, don’t invent it,” Artem shares.
Trying to make someone question their own feelings and ability to perceive the situation adequately is also a form of veiled aggression. Many mothers use this in relation to young children, trying to forcefully, in spite of tears and protests, to feed, put on warm clothes, causing them to suffer from nausea or overheating. They convince the kid that he wants it, he just does not understand.
If a child complains about a kindergarten teacher or a teacher at school, they do not believe him and most likely will make him guilty, because “adults know best.” So, taking away from him the right to his own feelings and desires, the mother brings up extreme self-doubt, which the grown child takes into adulthood.
Boycott
“Whenever my mother didn’t like something, she stopped talking to me,” recalls Katerina. – I remember her sharply changing, absent look. And my state of panic – as if she had left me forever.
“Switching off from the corridor of communication is one of the most cruel punishments,” explains the psychologist. “It undermines the basic sense of security. “You are alone, I don’t hear you, I won’t help, I’m not responsible for you,” this is how the child reads the message. Often this continues with adult children: “I don’t talk to you,” instead of discussing what they don’t like.
As the mother ages and becomes even more intolerant, learned manipulation, which no one resists, is used more and more often.
Comparisons with others
“Since childhood, my mother constantly set other girls as an example: one has time to attend all the circles and at the same time an excellent student, and I am a lazy person, I just have to play. The other one is always neatly dressed and such a pretty, calm girl, but I am always worn and my clothes are on fire, ”says Vera.
Often such remarks are presented under the guise of motherly concern and either destroy any desire to move forward, or, on the contrary, involve them in an eternal competition to earn recognition with all their might. First maternal, and subsequently – all the people around.
Such upbringing methods are a “good” recipe for a person to get into dependent unions in adulthood, where he does not know how to build equal relationships with partners, but considers himself obviously worse and tries to earn attention and love.
Forced classes
“Mom always dreamed of a stage, but her parents did not give her the opportunity to dance, and at the age of five she sent me to ballet,” says Alina. – Insisted on professional activities that I did not like, brought physical suffering.
I cried and asked not to take me there anymore, but my mother was determined to make the stage my life’s work. When I finally got the opportunity to decide for myself and left the ballet, she could not forgive me for a long time.
“Often, literally punishing children with activities, the mother, as in the case of the heroine, can symbolically take revenge on her parents, who deprived her of the opportunity to do what she loves. It seems to her that she is restoring justice, living at the expense of her daughter what she herself was deprived of, Marina Myaus believes. – The narcissistic parent seeks to raise a “winner” in order to appropriate all the merit in the future.
Mothers of children with disabilities can subject them to increased stress, pretending that they are trying to develop and socialize in this way. In fact, it turns into a perverted form of punishment for both the child and, in part, herself for having him.”
What should adult children do?
First of all, try to speak out loud all your feelings that you may have been denying. You can do it alone. It is important to say everything, no matter how aggressive and cruel to the mother it may sound. You will most likely feel better.
By suppressing negative emotions, you kept yourself in the position of a child. And left the mother the right to punish you again and again. As an adult, you become her equal in rights. And you can decide whether to interrupt communication with her or agree on new rules.
A mother with the traits of a passive aggressor wants everyone, including herself, to look in a good light. And he chooses a form of hidden violence, because, as a rule, he is afraid of an open confrontation.
“Try to bring clarity to what is happening,” suggests Marina Myaus. – Talk about everything directly, but in a calm voice: “Why are you comparing me to this person? I hate to hear that, please don’t tell me that.”
In this way, you learn yourself and force her to do what the passive aggressor never knew how and was afraid – to honestly enter into a conflict and talk about her feelings.