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How to properly build financial relationships with loved ones if they constantly climb into your territory, violating the boundaries? How to ask for a pay rise if you know the impostor syndrome? We share our working practices.
I prefer to define border types as «mine» and «not mine». It is important for even the closest people (parents, children, spouses) to realize where is “mine” and where is “not mine”, and not to violate boundaries. The degree of penetration into the personal territory of another person depends on culture, upbringing and trust. And in order to live without conflicts in the modern world, one must be able to negotiate.
Material (financial) boundaries
This is the protection of personal property and the right to have your own budget. The unwillingness to share toys in children is the beginning of defending their property boundaries. Unfortunately, the attitudes “everything is common”, “public is higher than personal” have distorted people’s ideas about them.
Every day during consultations, I am faced with the fact that 90% of the family do not understand how it is that both the husband and wife are able to have their own personal budget. Or how to refuse friends who asked to borrow a large amount of money? Respect for your material boundaries is to allow yourself not to give if something inside of you opposes it. And strangers — do not be offended if you were not given something.
How to build personal boundaries with relatives
The most common complaints are: “mom is climbing”, “dad is waving his fist”. Even if the child is already over thirty, he hears every now and then: “you don’t need to spend so much”, “why such an expensive car”, “why buy potatoes if you can grow them yourself”. And then a similar story begins with the relatives of the husband or wife.
How to learn to fight back? Polite but firm. Saying «no» and not offending — this skill is also being formed, this is the position of an adult. If a 30-year-old child has not learned to build boundaries with his parents, then he will transfer this to his family, which will most likely lead to conflicts and cries from the series: “They don’t understand me!”
Why are people afraid to seem rude, and why is it uncomfortable to defend their boundaries? How to learn to «fight back» culturally?
Fear of causing discomfort to others arises at the level of instincts. It’s the fear of being rejected. In primitive or ancient society, expulsion from the pack was equal to death. These «keep quiet» and «be patient» were instilled by our ancestors for the purpose of self-preservation or «no matter what happens.»
Even the phrase “culturally fight back” speaks for itself: here it’s either “fight back” or “culturally”. By old standards, being cultured means sacrificing your borders, and if necessary, your life. Now the trend is different: «I don’t like one, like another.» Therefore, it is easier for modern children to say “no”, and others have to put up with it.
How to ask for more money at work
Real life example: an employee works for two, wants to ask for a salary increase, he does not have a background or an additional option (another job). How to get the desired increase in salary?
Often the inability to ask for more money for work is due to the impostor syndrome: a person thinks that he is not smart enough or experienced enough, does not understand this issue. Another reason is fantasies about others: “they don’t have money to pay me,” “the competitor’s goods are cheaper, so they will buy from him.”
And the trick is that these thoughts and ideas have nothing to do with reality. This is all “chewing gum for the mind”, which rationally explains why I do not and will not have the income that I want.
A person earns as much as he allows himself to earn. As long as he perceives money as a kind of will of other people who will give him pieces of paper with numbers “for something”, he will be limited in funds. Money does not come to us from someone, it is born inside, like energy.
1. Recognize your strengths and limitations
I suggest doing this exercise. Without stopping, in one fell swoop, write 100 answers to the question: “What is stopping me from earning as much as I want?” If you get more, great! You will affect all your internal blocks.
Then we click through all the items on the list like soap bubbles. Not enough education? Learn, but for now you probably know people who earn more and without education. Do competitors have the same product? Define your unique selling proposition to your advantage.
2. Overcome the fear of rejection
Learn to say no. You are not required to explain the reasons for the refusal. The dialogue might go something like this:
“Stay two hours after work so we can turn in the report faster.”
“I didn’t plan to stay late at work, but if you pay me overtime…”
Refuse? Changing jobs is the easiest way to move up the career and financial ladder. And if you want to get a different result, start acting differently.
3. Learn to ask for a raise
How to do it?
View the cost of a similar specialist in the market.
Calculate in money what benefits the company receives from your activities.
What will she lose if you quit.
Put it on a list and talk to your superiors with arguments.
We summarize the
To learn how to qualitatively defend the boundaries, first of all, you need to feel your own value and learn to enjoy life without others. Once you feel like a whole person, boundaries will become a natural state. Then it will be easy for you to define them for others as well, because the violation begins with the fear of rejection.