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When sex disappears from a relationship, it is often attributed to low libido, romance on the side, or a “jammed” life. As a result, the couple breaks up, without understanding the real reasons and without trying to fix everything. Our author talks about his experience and gives tips that can help those who are facing similar problems.
«I moved away from my husband»
I was in my late thirties and there was no sex in the marriage. The beginning was stormy, but then the libido disappeared. I tried to look and act like it should be: passionate and sexy. I pretended to want sex with my husband. I went to gynecologists, therapists and other doctors who could suggest a way out. It was important for me to know that this could be dealt with.
But the answers I received didn’t suit me: “It’s normal for women to lose sexual desire in a permanent relationship”, “A little pain during sex is nothing to worry about”, “Your health is all right, you just don’t have a libido” .
I moved away from my husband. I felt guilty that my body was so aroused for so long and I could not reach an orgasm (never once in my entire family life). Instead of telling my husband about my needs, I distanced myself and remained silent.
In this delicate situation, we had to support each other, but silence, shame, discontent and fear separated us. It wasn’t until five years after my divorce that I learned the truth that brought me back to a fulfilling sex life.
Why women don’t want sex
The truth is that women’s sexuality is different from men’s. The desire of a woman is not constant, but cyclical. The process of female sexual arousal is based on multi-stage stimulation: physical, psychological, emotional and mental. It is also influenced by a sense of security and the ability not to do what is unpleasant.
If a woman receives the stimulation she needs, feels the attention and care, she gets arousal and sexual desire.
Arousal can be very intense and long lasting if allowed to develop naturally. At the moment of intimacy, women experience a wide range of emotions: from sadness and anger to erotic pleasure.
Women often follow their partner’s lead, and sexual intercourse begins before a state of complete arousal sets in. As a result, they are not satisfied, but they are silent about it, because they are afraid of hurting their partner. But the partner feels that the woman is unhappy, and insists on more frequent contacts. The gap between partners grows, trust disappears from the relationship, and the woman avoids sex.
How to build relationships as a couple
The vicious cycle can be broken if you overcome fear, shame and mistrust. This is possible if partners are aware of the differences in the arousal of men and women and learn not only to satisfy each other’s needs, but also add more play, care and sincerity to the relationship.
My clients — a couple in which both partners are in their early 40s — did not have the same desire. She accused him of only thinking about sex. He accused her of not wanting sex. In the process of therapy, they learned to achieve arousal in a partner and take into account her biorhythms. Now she agrees to have sex in the morning almost every day.
Difficulties related to orgasm, pain, lack of lubrication are more often not due to health problems
Pain and rejection of spontaneous caresses may occur due to insufficient arousal. Scenes from films where a woman is instantly turned on are true if the relationship is just beginning. During this period, she receives such a shock dose of attention and emotional connection with her partner that at any moment she is ready for caresses and kisses.
It is important for every woman to understand her body and the mechanism of arousal. Only in this way can she reach the magical state that sex gives.
About the Author: Irene Fair is an intimacy and sexuality coach.