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Learn three languages, open your own business and grow spiritually — and all this is recommended to be done on maternity leave. As if there was nothing else for a woman to do! The author of the article felt for herself how society puts pressure on young mothers. She talks with humor about how she gave up on all conventions and, fortunately for herself, decided to just be a mother.
Women on maternity leave are a special category. Impressive, vulnerable and subject to external influence. A godsend for advertisers and marketers, online coaches and homegrown psychologists.
It is these women who form a vast and responsive target audience for bloggers. Unstable hormonal levels, an unusual way of life and forced isolation from society — all these factors affect young parents. Motherhood is a quiet swampy backwater where you never know where to step so as not to fall into a quagmire.
When I went on maternity leave, my work experience totaled almost 20 years. These were active, nervous, sometimes difficult years of irregular sitting in the office, constant phone calls, endless search for necessary and urgent information, writing regular reports and preparing documents, the volume of which was expressed in tons. Rest was rare.
It is not surprising that I slammed the door to my old life without remorse and proudly retired to give birth and raise a long-awaited child. At first I was absolutely happy, but my peace lasted only a couple of months, and then … social networks fell on me.
Before that, I had a certainty that I would read exceptionally smart psychological books on education and follow only some thematic communities. Popular social networks did not interest me before, but soon everything changed.
I didn’t have time to look back, as in my subscriptions, in an incomprehensible way, there were about a hundred celebrities and about the same number of fashion bloggers. I began to catch myself thinking that I was looking enviously at news feeds full of magnificent pictures of a happy family life and cloudless motherhood.
You have to be slim, smart and educated, work remotely with a baby in your arms, keep a fitness diary and create a business from scratch
It is not in vain that psychologists say that girls, and later women, have a more developed need for approval of their actions, which means that they subconsciously compare themselves with others more often. Apparently, this is something at the level of instinct.
When a woman becomes a mother, this instinct can take on massive proportions. Given that the decree plunges most women into a social vacuum, popular personalities on social networks often become a model for constant comparison and imitation. A vivid illustration of the effect of Ellochka the cannibal from the book «The Twelve Chairs», which tried to compete with the American billionaire from the pages of a glossy magazine!
Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia), Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia), VKontakte and similar platforms for virtual communication are the ones who set the standards for beauty, health, success and the incredible ease of being. Moreover, the bar is high: it is not enough to be slim, smart and educated and work remotely with a baby in your arms. You also need to keep a fitness diary, constantly go through self-improvement marathons and create a profitable business from scratch. And this is without leaving the first, second and so on of the decree.
Expectations and Reality
I always wanted to ask one question: HOW do they all manage to do it?
- “I took a course of personal growth when the child was only a month old, and now I know what I really want in life!”
At that time, the only thing I wanted in life was to sleep, sleep and sleep again.
- “When my son was three months old, we started going swimming. He learned to swim before he could walk. And my figure quickly came into perfect shape!
An interesting idea, but difficult to implement in my case — a suitable pool was too far away, and my daughter could not stand the car seat. I was simply incapable of risking my nerves like that.
- “It’s very simple! Start your business today and you will be able to travel all over the world.”
Each two-hour journey with a stroller, first through huge snowdrifts, then through streams and puddles, and then under the hot sun, left me without strength and desire to be anywhere else besides home.
«Not good enough» mother?
My dissatisfaction with myself intensified: I had no strength left for a sip of tea, let alone my favorite hobby. The child consumed my time and attention, and I was constantly annoyed and embittered at everyone.
I could not spend quality time with my daughter, because I was sure that I was not doing enough intensively with her. I thought that the usual walk with looking at the leaves and feeding the ducks on the pond does not enrich me in any way, I do not develop, but degrade. Childhood games seemed terribly stupid to me, and the endless routine drove me crazy. And all this against the background of beautiful calls on social networks to take an online training on attracting wealth, defend a dissertation or become the beauty queen of the area.
At some point, I realized that the reason for my nervousness is actually that I want too much. I drew a whole series of tempting plans in my head, completely not correlating them with reality. And naturally, when it turned out that they could not be realized due to objective circumstances, I began to hate myself and desperately envy those who did not have such problems. It affected all aspects of my life, motherhood in the first place.
4 steps to simple happiness
And I said to myself: stop inventing nonsense! I am healthy, still young and even used to get enough sleep for seven hours with breaks for feeding. Yes, I have a very active and demanding child, but, fortunately, this is our only problem.
My reality is this: I am on maternity leave and will be on maternity leave until my daughter goes to kindergarten. We do not have grandparents who could free me time for self-development, creativity, business or leisure. My conscience does not allow me to look for a nanny while I am alive. But I am no longer going to waste my precious time worrying about other people’s successes and my own far-fetched inferiority.
1. I chose to come back to reality and accept what I have with gratitude.. It was my first step towards finding peace in my soul.
My child does not need a mother who is a businesswoman, or a mother who is a virtuoso cook, or a mother with a diploma in a hairdresser and manicurist. Now my child just needs a mom who happily joins his games, and not constantly hanging on the phone in an attempt to find her imaginary happiness.
Happiness, here it is — next to her, pulls her hands to her and calls to run a race. And there is nothing shameful in the fact that now motherhood is in the first place for me.
2. As soon as I began to spend time with my daughter without feeling guilty and internal contradictions, the joy of life began to return to me. Playing children’s games with joy and full dedication is easy if you do it consciously. Choosing to spend time with my child — «and let the whole world wait» — was my second step.
Start loving yourself. Finally already! With all the shortcomings, psychological problems and pedagogical mistakes
I began to communicate more live with ordinary mothers at playgrounds and was surprised to note that the majority also adhere to the principle of “not straining on maternity leave”. Let at least something this period resembles a vacation.
Of course, there are those who are in the search mode for the most useful thing for their child: “educators” from one year old, fine arts from one and a half, ballet school from two, English, aikido and a fashion trend — figure skating are planned further. Such enthusiasm is contagious. Why are we worse? Here the main thing is to stop. And move on to the next step.
3. Learn to understand your desires and distinguish them from the opinions of others, listen only to yourself and your child — This is the third step, which is more difficult to do than it seems.
4. And the fourth step is to start loving yourself. Finally already! With all the shortcomings, psychological problems and pedagogical errors.
How? Praise yourself for a good mood, for a positive attitude, for awareness and involvement. Sounds trite, but it works effectively. At the same time, do not forget to rest when the opportunity arises, and pamper yourself.
By the way, I’m pretty good at “making myself a happy mom.” Maybe it’s time to create your own online training?..