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It is unacceptable to pester a friend’s wife — both according to the code of male friendship and according to moral standards. But what if you’re in love with her? Silence and fight with your feelings? Our heroine unwittingly became a participant in such a story. And the psychologist explained the nature of the actions — both her and her husband’s friend.
«He’s a good man, he deserves happiness»
Nyuta, 37 years old:
“Ilya and I met with mutual friends at the New Year celebration and left the party together. And a year later they decided to get married. At the wedding, I noticed that Dima, the groom’s best friend, did not take his eyes off me. We had known each other for a long time, of course, but this was the first time he looked at me like that. However, I remembered this later — on the day of the wedding, it was not up to that.
We lived happily: we combined our fifth-year studies with part-time jobs, rented an apartment from friends for little money and, of course, roamed with might and main. Then I began to pay attention to the behavior of Dima. After drinking, he might say something strange.
Once we had guests, I was preening in front of the mirror in the hallway, and he came up behind, held out his hands to me and pulled them back without touching me. Another time we were dressing, also in a large crowd, and he helped me put on my coat. When I was very close, he said very quietly — either to himself or to me: “How beautiful you are …”
At that time, I reveled in a new life — freedom from parental overprotection, my love for my husband, a sense of my own «adulthood» and irresistibility. Consciously and unconsciously, I flirted with Dima, flirted — however, everything was within the bounds of decency.
I didn’t need anything from him, I liked being liked. I was flattered by his attention
Some time later, Dima disappeared from the radar. The husband sometimes saw him one on one and said that a friend had a girlfriend. I felt something like jealousy, but at the same time I was sincerely glad: he is a good man, he deserves happiness.
We had not seen each other for six months, Dima seemed to be avoiding me. However, my husband and I were also invited to his birthday party. I met his girlfriend, I liked her. Friendly and polite, she did not seek to get close to me. They looked happy and were, I must say, a beautiful couple. We began to get out somewhere more often four of us or in a large company. So another few months passed. Dima proposed to his girlfriend, they were planning a wedding.
One day, we were all at my parents’ dacha, where my husband and I had a big fight — I don’t even remember why. Everything happened literally in front of friends. I realized that I was going to cry now, and went away from everyone. I WAS VERY ILL. Soon Dima caught up with me. I cried, and he hugged me and said something comforting. Friendly, there was nothing indecent. I think if my husband saw this scene, he would not bother — a friend reassures a friend, what’s wrong.
But Dima’s girl found us — she came up, took the ring off her finger and gave it to him.
I was struck by her words: “You don’t need anyone but her. Don’t deceive yourself.» He paused and said only: «I’m sorry.» I left to let them talk. But soon she left alone, not even allowing him to take her.
We didn’t see each other for a couple of months. From my husband, I knew that these two broke up. I felt guilty even though I didn’t do anything wrong. And then I switched to my life — a pregnancy test showed two stripes, my husband and I were happy and made plans for the future. Ilya shared his joy with Dima … And then he told me that he suddenly accepted a job offer and left St. Petersburg for the Far East.
We have a daughter. And Dima is alone, single, and lives somewhere near the Pacific Ocean. We didn’t see each other, we didn’t explain, we didn’t discuss anything. Only every year on my birthday I get the same message with a brief congratulations from him. And for some reason, every time I feel sadness and … guilt.
“This is a story in which a man himself is responsible for his suffering”
Inessa Zakharyan, psychologist:
Such stories do occur. And often the female audience condemns the wife who “on purpose” does something special, knows some tricks to keep the poor man (who is usually pitied) with her. Everyone is familiar with these expressions: “And you let him know that nothing will happen”, “Shut him, he will be better off”, “She torments him”. Of course, there is also an element of envy.
Some free women failed to charm, but she, this “flip-tail”, has a husband, and this friend “dries for her”
In the story of the heroine, the feelings of his wife are very accurately described. This is inherent in female nature — the desire to please, to flirt. Yes, and everyone wants to be in demand, noticeable in any area of life — especially in the personal. And that’s okay.
The bride of a friend turned out to be very wise, who did not agree to be in the background in the life of a loved one. She understood the feelings of her beloved and was able to leave. Why? Because she treated herself well enough, understood her self-worth. And she knew exactly what place in the heart of a man she wanted to occupy.
And he? What did he see in her?
The magic is that this is the story of a husband’s friend, not a wife’s. Maybe, as a child, he or his mother liked fairy tales in which the only love for all time was sung. And as a child, he accepted the idea that it was right to be monogamous (remember Andersen’s «The Little Mermaid»). You chose once and you carry this choice through your whole life, and you pay an incredible price for this love.
Or he absorbed the romantic idea of a beautiful unrequited feeling — like a medieval knight for an inaccessible Beautiful Lady. For her sake, one could go to feats and even sacrifice oneself. But the main thing is to put it on a pedestal, sing and remember the distance, and sometimes create it yourself so that the ideal is unattainable.
But about the art of rational choice in fairy tales and ballads is usually not told
Or maybe he had a lot of injuries. It was dangerous for him to show love, to show feelings, to accept them, to open up, to have a dialogue. This is much more difficult, energy-consuming and unpredictable than suffering about the Beautiful Lady.
An important nuance: almost always he does not know her for real, close. It is no coincidence that the hero of the story praised the external data of his beloved. And this, too, can speak of a certain image in his head, which he fell in love with. In any case, this is a story that he lives himself and in which he himself is responsible for his suffering.